Basically, hubby has been out of a job for over half a year, just started one recently. And he is hell bent on going to pakistan for his precious nephews wedding in the next coming months.
I broke down the financials for him, clearly showing him its expensive for us, the tickets, the gifts, the visa, and bunch other stuff. He agreed that its alot and yet he still wants to go.
Side note- we have been talking about taking loans out on the house to do some remodeling etc, etc, and hes like, whatever is left over, will pay for pakistan so we shouldnt worry.
At first the plan was for him to go alone, which would have been fine.. and now he keeps going, its okay we wont get another chance like this, cuz we rarely go. By rarely i mean, i havent been in over 15 years, and he hasnt in about 10. And this is my chance to meet his brothers/sisters etc who live there, who cant come to the US cuz he is already doing enough of that on his own to me. “You dont want to see my fam” “you have no interest in them and making a relationship” blah blah. I’ve never met them
and i dont want his family talking crap and putting it in his ear that i didnt want to go and other bs, cuz they will 100% do that.
Im in tears. Im scared of adding onto our debt that is already piling up, and nevermind the whole security issues going on both there and here. And knowing his family, typical freakin inlaws, my every move will be confrolled, what i wear, where i go-if anywhere at all, i know i wont enjoy.
What a stupid idea to goto Pakistan and meet his family there. Very stupid. I believe he doesn’t meet your family either because it’s just stupid meeting eachother’s families. I’m amazed at the girls here. Who want their parents to be worshipped by guys but when it comes to them meeting them for once in 15 years or calling once a week. It’s so depressing that they have to come here to share their humongous issue. Your husband hasnt visited his family for 10 years tells how much he listens to his sisters. You on the other hand are very controlling. Lets see for how long he can take it. Best wishes for him.
Exactly !! Lets forget that for about 7 months we had to be extra careful and watch every penny spent cuz we didnt know how long it would take for him to get a job. Only things we spent money on was food, utilities, car, credit cards and mortgage. Necessities, nothing extra.
And yes, going to pakistan isnt a necessity, its a luxury. No one said we cant go later in the future. Im talking about NOW. The fact that he hasnt gone in about 10years has nothing to do with me since we have been together for only 2 years. What happened during those 8 years that he didnt go is on him, i have nothing to do with that
And yes, travelling overseas, without pay (i dont have any vacation time to cover the time period i would have to be gone), buying gifts, kharcha for whatever will come our way there, is WAY more important than coming back and watching our wallets again like a hawk to make up for all the expenses and going into further debt than we have already accumulatd by living on one income for the past 7 months. Right ?
Its easy to spend money when you have it, its not easy to run a household on limited income and not worry about tmrw.
And who the hell said anything about parents?!? His parents are HERE, and i see them constantly, twice if not more than in one week, along with his brothers and sisters that live here too. We live in the same city.
Dont be so quick to ****ing judge when you dont even know half the of it, or dont want to understand.
You know, these financial issues, they will always be there in a smaller or greater degree. There will never be a perfect time to go. You guys have been away for a very long time. Nephew’s wedding is a great oppurtunity. Just take the plunge and go . Just do it. Many of the elderly relatives may not be around for much longer. Visit them while you have the chance. You will not regret it.
Not worth the money, there are people that haven’t attended their siblings wedding for bigger reasons so a nephew shouldn’t be a big deal. Going a year and a half without a job and then an expensive trip to Pakistan isn’t the best idea.
Ah, the perennial issue for so many couples. I know a lot of couple who have fought over the same issue.
Things have changed a lot since the first/second generation settled here and were focussed on building themselves up. Trips to Pakistani would be considered a rare luxury. Probably going to offend some people but now guys come from Pakistan and before they are anywhere near being settled, an annual trip home is the most important thing, even if it’s funded by credit cards or loans.
So, I know where you are coming from (especially with the having to continue with keeping a tight budget to make up for it) but I’d second krash. If it’s a one-off, just do it. It probably won’t be as bad as you’re expecting and at least you will come back knowing that you don’t have it still looming over you.
A house is not an ATM, if he wants to borrow from the house to go entertain himself then he needs to grow up. Even Lil Harris has a job since 14 and he knows if he wants something he needs to pay for it. Compelling a spouse to do sth against their wishes is psychological and emotional abuse. Tell him no and IMHO you shouldnt be adding to debt to remodel either, by the look of things your husband does not have a stable employment.
Your husband is a dummy. Y’all already took a huge ass leap when it came to remodeling your home so there is no reason to add on more expenses and you will probably find some other occasion to visit his family so he can pipe down and deal with allocating finances to more important matters first.
I agree with the above… particularly the bolded portions. In this type of unstable economic climate and given his lack of unemployment and the fact that you are maxed out financially, I’d put my foot down and say no to either of you going. If you’re the only one employed at the moment then you should have final say in this matter.
There will always be other weddings to attend later on and you can start saving for a trip from now.
He just doesnt understand . The only reason why this marriage is getting so much importance is cuz the nephew is the firstborn in the family and a big deal thereof.
Yes, money comes and goes, when you are living on one income with a hefty mortgage and tons of other expenses, common sense has to play a role too. I wouldnt wish this upon my enemies, how we went through this time. And just cuz he has a job now, doesnt mean we are suddenly loaded, it just means we are playing catch up on stuff that we owe. has nothing to do with me not seeing the fam and whatnot, since i already do that here.
When i got married, no one bothered to make a trip, to visit. Nor did some of them even call to congratulate, yet i have to take time out and be there for them.
If he is acting that inflexible then maybe you should just convince him to go alone. I’m sure you really have some geuine excuses. You have to argue about it very intelligently and politely. You have to diffuse the tension first to make him understand your point of view. I hope things get better for you.
I think he wanted to go last year too but apparently that didn’t happen. Do you intend to make a thread every time yore husband will want to go see his family in Pakistan?
Just one question, if you guys are already in debt then why are you thinking about taking out loans to remodel? Remodling is not a necessity, it is a luxury and luxuries should be indulged in when one can afford it. As the urdu saying goes, chadar deikh kay paoun philao.
From your post, it seems the underlying issue is that you assume you will be controlled in the midst of “typical inlaws”. My advice is that if you only look at money, you will miss all the important experiences in life. If I am correct, you have not met husband’s family in Pak and seems like it’s the perfect time to go, he can attend his nephew’s wedding which he really wants to and which is not going to happen everyday plus with all the family there, you can have a nice introduction. I doubt with wedding preps they will have any time to control you tbh. If the wedding is in a couple of months and your husband has a job now, strict budgeting can accomplish all this without adding to debt. Now I of course do not know your exact finances so if the above is not possible with budgeting then it’s best to not go.
Your husband can go alone. If they are typical in laws and act controlling (and yes they can even during a wedding) you should not be forced to go. I don’t know why adult women are bullied and they are shamed for not letting themselves be bullied. Its a disgrace. And of course all this is expected by desi wives. The husband has no such obligation if the wife’s side has a wedding. Even if he goes, he acts like a guest usually. Not all, but its common. You should let your husband go but he shouldn’t force you.
The remodelling thing was just so we could get a loan to pay off other stuff, we are not actually remodelling anything. So its more like, switching around debt.
I can sense they will be controlling there, cuz the ones who live here are controlling as well. I try my best to avoid it, but it happens, being the dil and all. Even my brother in law, who is 2-3 years older than me, tries to act like my dad and says dont do this and dont do that and gets mad at stupid stuff that happens. And always does jatana of being “older” so he knows better.
I could care less about this stupid wedding, the couple is moving closer to us anyway so we will be seeing them alot in the future. Its more of to see his bros and sis’s there, they dont even tslk to their extended family aunts and uncles etc etc.
Why arent some people understanding the fact that how can we afford such a big trip which will cost several thounsabds of dollars when one has been out of a job for 7 months! Thats alot of time to go without income. Thank God i had saved alot, and now all our savings is gone cuz we used it up. Instead- people focus more on the part about not wanting to see inlaws. Logic has to be used too people.
And xaos, no he hasnt wanted to go to pak last year or any other year for that matter, its just this wedding he wants to go to. and i will make a thread about it every damn time if i want to. Ignore it if you have nothing contructive to say
Going alone was the original plan.. had he not gotten a job again recently, he wouldnt have been going either
A part of me feels like if i dont go, i will regret it.. but $$ IS an issue. But also- i dont want his fam go expect us to come everytime there is a nephews or neices wedding.
you don’t want to go…that much is clear from your posts…reasons can be made/justifications created..doesn’t matter…
so, it comes down to this…no matter what justification/argument you have in support of your stance, its not gonna stand… and your in-laws (eternally) and your husband (for some time) will be pissed at you…
so, now you gotta prep for that pissedoffness…