Studies and Marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
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Note: Sorry about the long post, I have bolded my main question below.

I started uni later then most people so I still have two years left for my degree to finish, but I am going to be married soon insha’Allah with the man of my dreams. We met 2 years ago and because of the usual family’s disapproval phase, couldn’t go ahead with anything before but now alhumdullilah all is sorted so my question is how would I juggle my studies and marriage life and what are some tips you could give me?

My fiancé is 7 years older then me and I am 24 so we’re of the right age to start living a married life, don’t want to keep prolonging it because my future of mum in law is of age as well and wants to see her grandkids in her life, when she is well enough to play with them. I have been to there house countless times it has a very peaceful environment and they are very loving people. My fiancé wants me to move in now and get our nikkah done. So I really want to hear some tips to manage my marriage responsiblities and going about keeping on top of my studies as the same time. I have a Kurdish friend who got married even before she got into uni and like me has only done her first year and has a baby boy now to look after, so I guess it’s doable. I don’t want to have babies whilst I am still at uni but I want to run my house like any good bride and don’t want to struggle with studies. So please share your views about it.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

I cannot give you tips but I know its a lot of hard work. I know a girl who married young (20-21) and went through college, was pregnant when we were taking MCAT and had another kid during her 3rd year of medical school. And there is another girl who dropped out of college soon after getting married because she "couldn't deal with it". In both scenarios husbands were quite supportive ... and I hope your husband is too because you would need a lot of support from him fosho

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Re: Studies and Marriage

It’s just as hard or easy as you want to make it. It’s really up to you. Going to uni etc while being married is really not rocket science.

I’ve done it and if I had to do it again, I would do it. All you need is some discipline and a husband who isn’t afraid to pick up a thing or two around the house. :k:

The topic was up recently, I think if you do a quick search on university and marriage, it will come up again.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

Thanks for the replies girls. My fiancé is very supportive and is a very hands on guy, loves to cook too and so do I, and will do it myself after marriage. But I do lack discipline as I don't have a job so not that many responsibilities except for my studies so I am panicking a bit by the thought of being the member of a new family and all of the sudden take responsiblities of everything or most things.

I also have a medical condition that might prevent me from having kids easily and going on birthcontrol is necessary for me whilst at uni but my PCOS might get worse after I get off them and wanna have kids. That's discussion for another forum but I thought I'd add it here.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

Congrats on your engagement as marriage. I did not know otherwise I would not have teased u so in other threads :)
I think you can def manage it. Main thing is being balanced and getting help when you need it from in laws and husband. You'll need their support. Plan and timetable events. Plenty of married people in my course. Sometimes they have to sacrifice going to some social events for family/kids which is no big deal. Get help from your university if you need it. They're only too willing to help.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

^ Thanks for the wishes and suggestions :)

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Re: Studies and Marriage

It depends on how supportive your husband and inlaws are. And how committed you are to studying.

One of my friends got married when she had 8 months left of her course and she really struggled to finish because she couldn't concentrate on her studies as she had quite a demanding husband which she thought he was besotted with her. She just about finished her course but did not go onto study a further year which would have increased her job prospects.

Another friend had only 6 months left n she got pregnant immediately, she was expected to make breakfast for everyone and make roti and Salan for lunch before going to college in the morning. Then come home n cook dinner for everyone. All this being pregnant n studying for her finals, it nearly broke her marriage. She had a MIL and 2 SILs but was still expected to do all that.

I would definitely recommend you complete your studies even though u may think u don't need to, as its something to fall back on. Whether to do this before marriage or after depends on your situation.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

OP, look at other girls around you who were in your situation.. were they usually able to do it?

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Re: Studies and Marriage

Like everyone said, it all really rests on you and how disciplined you are in finishing your bachelors degree. It can be done but you just can't lose focus.
I know marriage will be a new thing, with more responsibilities and times to slack off, but if finishing school is important to you then you should just set up a schedule and stick to it. Maybe even make friends in uni with girls who are very studious and form a study group to keep you on track.

Planning kids and means of birth control is your and your husband's business, but maybe waiting a while to adjust into the family and finishing school wouldn't be such a bad idea. You're still quite young and I'm sure by the time you are done with your degree, you will have plenty of time to conceive. :) I think added stress also doesn't help and pregnancy should be a beautiful phase in your life that you should enjoy and be as stress free as possible.

Congrats on the upcoming marriage by the way :)

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Re: Studies and Marriage

I know so many girls, myself included, who were to finish school after getting married, and most of them were from very conservative backgrounds as well.....but I think the thing they/we all had in common was that they/we weren't living with inlaws, they/we were alone or with their own families. not sure if that makes any difference...but when it comes down to it, only 2 things really matter: how badly you want to finish your degree, and how much support you have (and how much you really need that support--emotional or financial--will explain below). Without either one, it's impossible to meet any goal.

In my case, I was able to finish my bachelors, after a long time, practically limping and fainting at the finish line (not literally....you know what I mean!), I had the desire to go further that wuold have helped me a lot but I didn't have the support so I lost the desire. Now I'm older, more experienced and mature, the desire is still there but not as concerned about having teh support (at one point having the emotional/mental support meant more than anything)....so it can be done, but not without the desire/the support (or not caring about the support)

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Re: Studies and Marriage

I want ot add something else. Maybe get married during a break? Is taking a semester off possible?

I got married in the middle of winter break; due to a few reasons, we weren't living together right away. When I went back home and back to school.....ehhh it wasn't the best decision in retrospect. I missed him so badly and wanted to be with him, his family, and things at home sucked, so school suffered as a result. I now wish I had taken the semester off and started again in the fall; in the long run a semester off wouldn't have made a huge impact on my end date.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

Thanks alot Amber and Sara. :)
Finishing school is my top priority and my fiancé supports me completely alhumdullilah plus taking a break would just slow me down I want to just get it over and done with. I personally don't have any friends who got married whilst at uni, except for one. So its nice to hear there are others who have done it. I will move in after my nikkah because not doing so will just make me miss my husband like Sara said and I won't be able to concentrate on my studies. Rightnow i am on a break but before I would stay at uni till my fiancé finished work so we could meet for an hour or so, I'll be saving all that time too. There's just my mil and bil in the house and they are very loving and understanding people. I just don't want to screw anything up or disappoint them.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

background

my wife finished undergrad after we were married, was supposed to be an engagement but turned into a wedding..long story s
she finished her masters a number of years later while working full time and with two little kids
I finished an executive program while working full-time, heavy travel schedule and with 5 year olds needing attention at home
plus I did some several intensive certificate programs requiring 20 hours a week of effort over one month

tips

1- Support, your spouse has to be supportive, willing to pitch in more than they have been, and also adjust their expectations. Support can also be from broader family base if they are around. Or hired help for things like cleaning.

2- Sacrifice- somethings will have to give, this is your own stuff...TV shows, Facebook time, friends and social time. Your own hobbies.

3- simplify- it can be many things, instead of going to gym, use the treadmill at home, or instead of going to the nice gym 10 minutes away, go to the basic one 2 minutes away. Use grocery delivery service like pea pod.

4- study efficiently- good study habits and skills are critical. I have always had bad study habits in terms of not staying current or laming around while studying. That changed when I did my exec program. I had to make most of time so there was a plan, what I needed to do when and figure out a way to get it done. studying on flights and in airports. begum even took advantage of weekend social events where the drive would be 40+ minutes each way, and she will be going over her notes while I drove.

5- set schedule- whether it is early mornings or late nights to do your work. stick to it, have others stick to it too.

6- set your own expectations- you are doing it for a reason, it will be very tough to do this and have everything else be perfect. pick your battles. countertop may be a little dirty, you may not get a chance to send holiday cards..whatever it is that you usually do but can't do. be okay with it.

7- stay positive- it will not be easy and it would look very easy to just give up, and rarely anyone will say oh you quit..quitting is easy with other demands, everyone understands that. staying positive will keep you from giving in to the temptation of quitting.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

Was this person in Pakistan?
I have noticed that it's easier to finish school here in the West versus Pakistan as you. Ant really take semesters off as easily etc.

I would suggest you go ahead and finish it up. I have def seen many girls do it and am sure IA you can too. One tip I will give you is that spend at least 15 minutes everyday talking to the female members of your in laws ( MIL). People want that too esp women,not just cooked food. Try to cook at least one dish of your MIL or BIL's choice every week.

I am going to uni too but I am doing it slow. I have 2 kids as well.

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Having support and determination/focus are KEY. My husband wasn't supportive at all...sure, he encouraged me to finish my bachelors...but when i had finals going on and a baby screaming to be played with/dinner to make/other chores... he refused to help. My time was spent looking after husband and baby...barely got time to study....and as a result my grades suffered. I'm done with school but it made me bitter about a lot of stuff...my relationship with my husband suffered a lot during that time...i'm looking to go about this a different way/path now...for further education. My own family (parents, sibling) were extremely helpful...when i had school my mom would look after Ibby and even offered to cook me dinner to take home...but husband didn't like that. Before we got married he seemed very supportive but really.. he wasn't at all. Everyone's situation is different but i always tell chicks to finish their studies before even thinking of marriage. It's just a lot easier IMO...u can focus on one thing at a time...school is already a full plate...and then u add marriage on top...very stressful.

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why does she needs to cook a dish of her BIL's choice every week....that's just ridiculous.

OP, you can do it, I was working on my certification program after getting married while working and taking care of my infant. Things came to a pause after our move last year as I have to transfer my license and stuff before I can start the program again. It is not easy but with support and motivation you can do it.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

It is really depends on you.

How driven are you? would you be ok with missing dinners with your husband or feel guilty about not maintaining obligations to your family or in laws? Are you ok with others taking care of your kids? If you would feel guilty about these things, you probably should finish your education before you get married.

Also, do you have close friends who are married and studying? do you think you could be like them? Maybe a good idea would be to see people who are married and didn't finish studies and the girls who continued despite early marriage, and see which personality/thought process you are more like. That may be able to predict what your outcome would be. Both outcomes are equally good, as long as it makes you happy!

Last, just because your husband is supportive now, don't trust it will be like that forever...once all the stress of marriage, kids, family, housework etc enter the picture, even though most women have to deal with balancing their whole life, it can be overwhelming for your man, and he may just desperately want you back all to himself!

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I don;t think this is crazy. the poster just meant that do nice stuff for your in laws. Making small sacrifices and getting in their good books early is better than starting off seeming "too busy for them" and making amends later. Once they see your love for them, and they love you, they'll always be willing to help you and misunderstandings dont get blown out of proportion.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

Well, she wants to keep her in laws happy. Obviously when one is busy with studies, one has less time for other activities. Maybe the OP can't cook every day or get time to talk properly with the family for a few days. In such a case if someone shows that they care very once in a while it could help. My own husband's nephew has been staying with us for a year off and on. Although, I don't get time to cook like he is probably used to in Pakistan and also my husband likes to eat different food than he does, I do try often to do something to make him feel welcome in our house.

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Re: Studies and Marriage

Couldn't agree more!

Getting married is stressful enough, getting to know your spouse and his family, no matter how much u think u know him, u won't know him until u live with him.