Stuck in the middle

[amber19]

My husband and I will be visiting my in-laws next month and although we are very excited there’s been a fallout between my MIL and bhabhi after my BIL and bhabhi left the joint family living situation.

My husband and I supported them and tried to get them on speaking terms again but it’s been 9 months now and my MIL still despises my bhabhi very much. My BIL comes over now and again to see my FIL and MIL but they never ask about their granddaughter or bhabhi.

So now, we are going back after all of this has happened in our absence, and I’ve constantly been stuck in the middle between the two. I love and respect both of them but I’m made to choose one over the other many times. Since it’s also my in-laws.. I’m trying to be as respectful as possible and don’t want to create any more further drama. When I speak over the phone to my MIL - about what we’ll do, etc and mention my bhabhi, her tone changes and she says that if my bhabhi will be present, she will not. I don’t really know what to do? I’ve tried to tell her kindly that they both are important to me, but my MIL is very stubborn… so I’m just contemplating now how I will divide up my time there between the two without one getting hurt.

I’ve told my bhabhi how I feel about the situation and she understands, she’s even willing to sit down and talk to MIL to try and resolve the issues that they have with each other, but my MIL does not want this. So would you guys even bother to patch things up if you were in my situation ? Or just let them remain the way they are towards each other?

My husband wants to try to patch things up between the two, but I feel like it might make things worse as my MIL is quite stubborn and when she doesn’t like someone… she never ever works to fix the relationship.

Also - my bhabhi is 1 month pregnant and she’s only told me and my husband. No one really knows as it’s quite early into the pregnancy, so I wanted to spend as much time with her, and help her out as I could while I’m there. It’s just confusing now with all the added drama. Any tips on how to work around it?

[anya]

Re: Stuck in the middle

Whether you like it or not, let your husband do the patch up, no matter what he is their son and will be forgiven eventually by your mil. You should not interfere or take sides at all.

As for spending time with bhabhi, curb your desire to be there alone to avoid further drama. Be there with your husband. It's his brother's house so let him decide/convince him to spend more time there and let him deal with mil.

[Reha]

Re: Stuck in the middle

You need to stay out and not touch this fight with a ten foot pole.

I realize you care for them but they're adults. They can work out their own differences. Also, very seldom do DIL's who get involved in these situations walk away with a badge of respect from their MILs. If you get involved...you will be in a situation where tempers might flare. Whatever irrational behavior follows that will also land on your shoulders. Let your husband mediate if he really wants to but you need to stay out.

Also, divide up the time as you wish. Do what you have in mind and be honest yet very respectful with your MIL when you tell you are going to Bhabi's to help her with a few things.

[amber19]

Re: Stuck in the middle

@Reha

You need to stay out and not touch this fight with a ten foot pole.

I realize you care for them but they're adults. They can work out their own differences. Also, very seldom do DIL's who get involved in these situations walk away with a badge of respect from their MILs. If you get involved...you will be in a situation where tempers might flare. Whatever irrational behavior follows that will also land on your shoulders. Let your husband mediate if he really wants to but you need to stay out.

Also, divide up the time as you wish. Do what you have in mind and be honest yet very respectful with your MIL when you tell you are going to Bhabi's to help her with a few things.

Yeah I hear you.. I'm not going to get involved in that. It's my husband's idea so if he wants to sit them both down to talk it through... I'll be on the side lines I guess. I don't really like all that arguing and desi drama anyways.. it gives me anxiety. :s

[amber19]

Re: Stuck in the middle

@anya

Whether you like it or not, let your husband do the patch up, no matter what he is their son and will be forgiven eventually by your mil. You should not interfere or take sides at all.

As for spending time with bhabhi, curb your desire to be there alone to avoid further drama. Be there with your husband. It's his brother's house so let him decide/convince him to spend more time there and let him deal with mil.

I never intended to get involved or play mediator between them, it's just that I feel like if I spend time with one the other will get hurt/jealous. It's more so my MIL who doesn't like me bonding with her alone - simply because she thinks bhabhi just spends the time saying bad things about her. As for bringing my husband along - some things are strictly more ladies stuff like shopping, cooking together or going to the salon where he won't really fit in nor feel comfy.

[redvelvet]

Re: Stuck in the middle

@amber19

My husband and I supported them and tried to get them on speaking terms again but it's been 9 months now and my MIL still despises my bhabhi very much. My BIL comes over now and again to see my FIL and MIL but they never ask about their granddaughter or bhabhi.

** Human nature is such that the more we force something, it results in turning the other person way. Allah is said to be the controller of the hearts. You've given it your best shot and she still harbors a grudge, so accept Allah's will and give them space. What that means is that you should back away from your efforts to make her reconcile. Make dua for her guidance. It's okay if they don't enquire about their bhabi or granddaughter. Yes, it's sad and shameful, but it's not the end of the world. The most important thing is for the child to have loving parents and a healthy home environment. Your bhabi and her child have no severe shortage of friends and family who love them..so minus two people (MIL and FIL) is not the worst thing in the world. Kid has a nana and nani and you n your husband that make up for that. **

When I speak over the phone to my MIL - about what we'll do, etc and mention my bhabhi, her tone changes and she says that if my bhabhi will be present, she will not. I don't really know what to do? I've tried to tell her kindly that they both are important to me, but my MIL is very stubborn... so I'm just contemplating now how I will divide up my time there between the two without one getting hurt.

One of my khalas and my mamu don't see eye to eye. It's been years. Their other siblings have accepted this and work around their grudge. So, they either hold separate events...or invite at different timings....or they calmly accept that one of them will not attend an event. Maybe your MIL is trying to make u feel guilty by saying she won't show up. Don't get sucked into that. Just calmly say..."Koi baat nahi ammi. I'll just meet you two separately." It shows her that you've accepted her decision and that you won't be pressured into feeling guilty.

I've told my bhabhi how I feel about the situation and she understands, she's even willing to sit down and talk to MIL to try and resolve the issues that they have with each other, but my MIL does not want this. So would you guys even bother to patch things up if you were in my situation ? Or just let them remain the way they are towards each other?

Don't force it. What if Bhabi tries to talk to MilL and she gets so mad that she ends up saying really foul things that hurt your bhabi and strain matters further? What if MIL than turns against you for arranginh this patch up? Back off. Some folks learn their lessons the hard way n maybe she's one of them.

My husband wants to try to patch things up between the two, but I feel like it might make things worse as my MIL is quite stubborn and when she doesn't like someone... she never ever works to fix the relationship.

*His wanting it doesn't change the facts the 9 months of trying yielded no results and that MIL doesn't want to budge. *

Also - my bhabhi is 1 month pregnant and she's only told me and my husband. No one really knows as it's quite early into the pregnancy, so I wanted to spend as much time with her, and help her out as I could while I'm there. It's just confusing now with all the added drama. Any tips on how to work around it?

Spend time with MIL. Do not bring up bhabi with her. Spend time with bhabi...it may have to be done secretly...but give her time to. You just accommodate your schedule/time around them. If mil begrudges u spending time with bhabi....then that's when your husband needs to step in and say that he can't avoid his brother and his wife and child altogether...cuz it's an unreasonable expectation from your MIL. But stop pushing reconciliation. Don't comment about bhabi to mil. Change the subject when she brings it up.

[Royal_Gala]

Re: Stuck in the middle

You shouldn’t even be thinking about this…That’s how much you need to stay away.

Last year I came across something similar in my own ILS family and I took NO sides…I told my husband straight up that you need to keep this **** away from me, I respect each and everyone, you deal with however how you like…but me and kids are not involved in anyway. Thankfully my FIL is a very sensible man (God bless him) and he also told me stay out of it and whoever tried to get me involved he shoo’d them away

So please take my advice, let them figure this out, they are grown up adults and are more than capable of resolving any issues.

[Paheli00]

Re: Stuck in the middle

@amber19

I never intended to get involved or play mediator between them, it’s just that I feel like if I spend time with one the other will get hurt/jealous. It’s more so my MIL who doesn’t like me bonding with her alone - simply because she thinks bhabhi just spends the time saying bad things about her.

Question: How does you MIL know that you’re spending time with or even talked to bhabhi? Does MIL directly ask you if you have seen/talked to the bhabhi and whether your husband was with you?