Re: Strictness?
I was raised the same way. I got married--not forced nor arranged--and while married life has its own challenges, it was, and still is, better than being single and living with my parents. I have never doubted their love for me, but in our culture, a girl is her parents responsibility until she's married, no matter how old or educated she is.
Re: Strictness?
I*slam teaches us that you **should* marry to relieve your problems. Do you think Allah (swt) would forgive her if she forcefully abandoned her parents (however wrong they may be, they still care about her) for freedom? ** Keep in mind that all this crap about marrying for love, or your childhood love, high school sweet heart, all that mumbo jumbo, was created by the Western world to brainwash us.
Good point BUT its still a big risk to get married just to escape a bad situation. Ideally one should face a less than desirable situation head on and try to solve it rather than run away--and to many, gettin gmarried to escape your parents house sounds like running away.
Re: Strictness?
it's a very very very big risk.
Marriage comes with lots of problems and issues of its own.
I'm surprised some of you are able to question the perfection of the words of Allah (swt) and the Prophet Muhammad (saw). What's the risk that's so big? Marriage is a must, according to Islam, and the purpose of marriage simply isn't so that you just marry someone you've developed feelings for. The Prophet (saw) blindly married widowed women with children to support them, and the story of Hazrat Aisha, with whom the Prophet (saw) married all for reasons beyond mere intimate love.
But what is this risk you guys are afraid of? Are you afraid that you're going to commit yourself and miss out on all the other worldly pleasures? Dating? Clubbing? I am not saying to marry any desperate fool, but if you find a man close to Allah (swt) in heart then you will not have those same problems as you would with anyone else.
Marriage completes the soul. Subhan'Allah you should be welcoming any challenges it brings forward.
Re: Strictness?
Good point BUT its still a big risk to get married just to escape a bad situation. Ideally one should face a less than desirable situation head on and try to solve it rather than run away--and to many, gettin gmarried to escape your parents house sounds like running away.
Not fair, you edited your post while I was writing my lengthy one -_-
But your solution is a very modernized approach. Typically, a true follower of Islam would likely have a different solution (not to say you're not or anything). But it's not about running away, it's about making the best decision she can. Perhaps Allah (swt) purposely put her in this situation so that she may get married young, perhaps it's in her kismat? What other solutions would she have, run away? Astaghferullah, I hope not. I can guarantee you that had she approached the Prophet Muhammad (saw) he would have most likely first approached her parents and spoken with them and second suggested for her to marry.
Re: Strictness?
** But what is this risk you guys are afraid of? Are you afraid that you're going to commit yourself and miss out on all the other worldly pleasures? Dating? Clubbing? I am not saying to marry any desperate fool, but if you find a man close to Allah (swt) in heart then you will not have those same problems as you would with anyone else. **
You're clearly not married and out of touch with reality.
Re: Strictness?
You're clearly not married and out of touch with reality.
You're accusing me of being out of reality because I choose to follow the teachings of Islam. That makes me out of reality? That's ironic. May Allah (swt) show you the right path.
And fyi, I was married already. It didn't work out, but I'm still for the idea. Be careful who you choose to point your fingers at without knowing anything.
Re: Strictness?
You're accusing me of being out of reality because I choose to follow the teachings of Islam. That makes me out of reality? That's ironic. May Allah (swt) show you the right path.
And fyi, I was married already. It didn't work out, but I'm still for the idea. Be careful who you choose to point your fingers at without knowing anything.
I'm sorry it didn't work out BUT just b/c one doesnt want to get married doesn't mean they would rather go clubbing or date around or other "worldy pleasures."
Maybe for others getting married is a solution, but if someone would rather complete their education and become independent, then that isn't wrong either.
Re: Strictness?
I really dont think anyone was telling the OP dont get married - they were just telling her dont get married for the wrong reason. If a good proposal were to come for her, Im sure she would accept it - and Im sure everyone here would agree that she should accept it. They are just telling her dont marry any Tom, Dick or Harry, just to get away from your over protective parents. You dont want to regret anything in life later on because you rushed it. Marriage is not something to rush, no matter what your situation is. Marriage is for life, and its something that needs a lot of thought, and prayers before you go into it.
Everyone knows the teachings of the Quran, and we all understand that getting married young is recommended, but its not in everyone's kismat to get married at 18 or 19 - for some people, no matter how much they want, it just doesnt happen until their late 20's or 30's.
Re: Strictness?
You're accusing me of being out of reality because I choose to follow the teachings of Islam. That makes me out of reality? That's ironic. May Allah (swt) show you the right path.
And fyi, I was married already. It didn't work out, but I'm still for the idea. Be careful who you choose to point your fingers at without knowing anything.
I'm sorry it didn't work out BUT just b/c one doesnt want to get married doesn't mean they would rather go clubbing or date around or other "worldy pleasures."
Maybe for others getting married is a solution to a bad situation at home, and if they do it and it works out for them, that's wonderful.....but if someone would rather complete their education and become independent rather than get married, then that isn't wrong either nor are they going against Islam.
And you're the one accusing others of not being Muslim for suggesting she not get married, yeah thats not pointing fingers is it?
Re: Strictness?
I'm sorry it didn't work out BUT just b/c one doesnt want to get married doesn't mean they would rather go clubbing or date around or other "worldy pleasures."
Maybe for others getting married is a solution to a bad situation at home, and if they do it and it works out for them, that's wonderful.....but if someone would rather complete their education and become independent rather than get married, then that isn't wrong either nor are they going against Islam.
And you're the one accusing others of not being Muslim for suggesting she not get married, yeah thats not pointing fingers is it?
Clubbing and dating were only two examples I mentioned, they weren't all I'm limiting the possibilities to. I'm all for educated women, as they make better companions, and even independence. I have two older sisters, I'm the only and youngest son, and they are both extremely independent. One of them was a previous Miss Pakistan (runs her own business now) and another trains models, teaches in a high school, mash'Allah has two beautiful girls, and is married, yet she still works full-time with her husband. I know well about the beauties of independent women.
But don't take what I said out of context, sister, I never implied that marriage was the only solution, simply that it is the best solution. I never said that not choosing to get married young is against Islam, and astaghferullah I never pointed fingers at anyone claiming they're not being Muslim. You've taken everything I said out of context completely. Please point out to me where I accused you or anyone of not being Muslim?
I would like to know though, since you're in such disagreement with me. What solutions would you provide to her? She can continue her education, but that will not change the problems at home with her parents. She can bare with it and finish her education then get married, but then that would still be implementing my solution. Unless you disagree with that too?
Re: Strictness?
the girl needs to be rebellious.
Re: Strictness?
wow, I feel sorry for this girl. Growing up is hard to do, and then on top of that, not being allowed to have friends while you are growing up is even harder. Is this girl in school? Is she allowed to have friends over at her house? If she is, then she can have friends over that will be able to show her parents what kind of people they are, and that they are shareef. If she can do that, that is going to help her in the long run. As her parents get used to seeing the same faces, and they get to know the friends better, they may lighten up. Maybe they dont allow her to go out with the friend cause they dont know the friend, even though this girl knows that she is very shareef.
The only advice I have is to invite friends over, and let her parents see them, and interact with them on their own turf, where they are comfortable, and they can keep an eye out for anything "bad" they think may happen. Once they see that their daughter has a good shareef friend, they may lighten up.
TOTALLY AGREED =D
Re: Strictness?
Clubbing and dating were only two examples I mentioned, they weren't all I'm limiting the possibilities to. I'm all for educated women, as they make better companions, and even independence. I have two older sisters, I'm the only and youngest son, and they are both extremely independent. One of them was a previous Miss Pakistan (runs her own business now) and another trains models, teaches in a high school, mash'Allah has two beautiful girls, and is married, yet she still works full-time with her husband. I know well about the beauties of independent women.
But don't take what I said out of context, sister, I never implied that marriage was the only solution, simply that it is the best solution. I never said that not choosing to get married young is against Islam, and astaghferullah I never pointed fingers at anyone claiming they're not being Muslim. You've taken everything I said out of context completely. Please point out to me where I accused you or anyone of not being Muslim?
I would like to know though, since you're in such disagreement with me. What solutions would you provide to her? She can continue her education, but that will not change the problems at home with her parents. She can bare with it and finish her education then get married, but then that would still be implementing my solution. Unless you disagree with that too?
^ Ok fair enough.
I would like to know though, since you're in such disagreement with me. What solutions would you provide to her? She can continue her education, but that will not change the problems at home with her parents. She can bare with it and finish her education then get married, but then that would still be implementing my solution. Unless you disagree with that too?
Get married
:-D
Also, if you see her response to that part, she says, getting married to an uneducated cousin from back home and wishing for a better life... now I don't know how true it is, b/c I certainly thought that way when I was much younger and it couldn't've been further from the truth. Also the "uneducated cousin from back home" is such a tired cliche....it MAY sound bad but it really goes much deeper than that; the fact that many women have married men/relatives from back home and are living happy lives shows that it isn't the worst thing in the world.
BUT i can understand the fear behind getting married. When your view of the world is limited to your parents and close relatives who seem to be very close minded and impose ridiculous rules, it makes you think married life may be full of the same thing--and I won't lie, sometimes married life can be a nightmare when the spouse and inlaws are abusive (though there is always that fear no matter what the situation).
Re: Strictness?
Ive been there Hellpp and completely understand your frustrations. :)
My parents wouldnt even let me go to a mall.........period. Forget hanging out there with friends. No parties. No socializing. No eating out. No field trips. Nothing at all. As in nothing.
I was also the eldest one though. They didnt know any better and were scared of outside influences ruining their children.
You have to show them its okay. Invite your friends over, have your mom meet their moms and start the process off that way. Dont expect her to warm up immediately and just be alright overnight.
Be patient and start to expose your parents to different things...they will eventually let their barriers down but it will take time.
Re: Strictness?
Islam teaches us that you should marry to relieve your problems. *Do you think Allah (swt) would forgive her if she forcefully abandoned her parents *(however wrong they may be, they still care about her) for freedom?
Keep in mind that all this crap about marrying for love, or your childhood love, high school sweet heart, all that mumbo jumbo, was created by the Western world to brainwash us.
Really??? So how come there's a hadith that says something along the lines of 'there is no better thing for two people in love than to marry'..
And what is all this 'abandoning parents' about?? I didn't realise moving out for a while to preserve ur sanity was 'abandoning' them. Yes, in Islam parents do have rights, but those rights go both ways (have you not read about the rights of the child in Islam?) and if the parents oppress the child those rights can be forfeited, one obvious example being that a girl's wali can be replaced if he is not doing a good job.
All this 'love is bad/unIslamic' cr*p is DESI (ie Hindu influenced.. 'we must be our parents lapdogs, treat them like gods, never question them or point out when they are wrong - even if we say it in a decent way) brainwashing. In religious terms there's nothing wrong with love as long as u don't cross the boundaries.. In Islam marriage also comes with responsibilities and if u can't fulfil them (ie give ur partner enough time, attention, be able to run a household) obviously it's better to wait till u can. I have literally lost count of the number of idiotic simple-minded desi parents who believe marriage must be the answer to practically any issue their child is going thu, whether it's having non-Muslim gf/bfs, drink problems or drugs and it almost never works out.. Someone mentioned u need to marry for the right reasons, if a girl/guy is having problems with their parents surely it would be better to try and sort them out than just run away and prob ending up not being able to get over that resentment/bitterness for years (if ever)..
OP, does ur friend not have any female cousins she could go out in a group with or kids of her parents' friends? (I know it's not much but at least it might be a start).. Does she have an elder or auntie that her parents might listen to if they try and reason with them? Obviously not healthy being stuck at home all day, am sure a lot of us would go mad if we were in that situation :( Would ur friend have access to a desi counsellor she can go to (maybe thru school/college)?? I only say desi cos they might better understand that mentality of not wanting the girls to go out, threatening to marry them off if they step out of line etc..
Someone also mentioned it's not bad to marry a guy from 'back home', obviously it can be true but regardless of that it should be **the girl's choice if she wants to, **her parents don't have the right to make that decision for her..
Re: Strictness?
Really??? So how come there's a hadith that says something along the lines of 'there is no better thing for two people in love than to marry'..
And what is all this 'abandoning parents' about?? I didn't realise moving out for a while to preserve ur sanity was 'abandoning' them. Yes, in Islam parents do have rights, but those rights go both ways (have you not read about the rights of the child in Islam?) and if the parents oppress the child those rights can be forfeited, one obvious example being that a girl's wali can be replaced if he is not doing a good job.
All this 'love is bad/unIslamic' cr*p is DESI (ie Hindu influenced.. 'we must be our parents lapdogs, treat them like gods, never question them or point out when they are wrong - even if we say it in a decent way) brainwashing. In religious terms there's nothing wrong with love as long as u don't cross the boundaries.. In Islam marriage also comes with responsibilities and if u can't fulfil them (ie give ur partner enough time, attention, be able to run a household) obviously it's better to wait till u can. I have literally lost count of the number of idiotic simple-minded desi parents who believe marriage must be the answer to practically any issue their child is going thu, whether it's having non-Muslim gf/bfs, drink problems or drugs and it almost never works out.. Someone mentioned u need to marry for the right reasons, if a girl/guy is having problems with their parents surely it would be better to try and sort them out than just run away and prob ending up not being able to get over that resentment/bitterness for years (if ever)..
OP, does ur friend not have any female cousins she could go out in a group with or kids of her parents' friends? (I know it's not much but at least it might be a start).. Does she have an elder or auntie that her parents might listen to if they try and reason with them? Obviously not healthy being stuck at home all day, am sure a lot of us would go mad if we were in that situation :( Would ur friend have access to a desi counsellor she can go to (maybe thru school/college)?? I only say desi cos they might better understand that mentality of not wanting the girls to go out, threatening to marry them off if they step out of line etc..
Someone also mentioned it's not bad to marry a guy from 'back home', obviously it can be true but regardless of that it should be **the girl's choice if she wants to, **her parents don't have the right to make that decision for her..
Let me suggest to you that you should calm yourself, as the tone of your wording clearly shows your emotions. There is no reason to get upset when we are debating about Islam. When people are in love, yes it's sunnah to get them married quickly to save them from committing sinful acts with either each other or others.
I never completely ruled out that getting married for love is a bad thing. Either I wrote my thoughts out incorrectly or you're taking it out of context. Either way what I was trying to say is that everyone is against the idea of marriage, but you don't always have to marry only for love. The hadith doesn't say you ONLY marry for love, it says that if you ARE in love, then you should. I would recommend for youto read the hadiths more carefully.
And I did say before in this thread that even children have rights and parents are never above Islam. Before writing, please educate yourself properly, sister.
And I'm no uncle. Astaghferullah I have probably sinned more in my life and have done more bad deeds than most people on this board but I am now repenting for all that I've done. The least I can do is to help my fellow Muslims stay away from making the mistakes that I did, and it is also my duty.
Re: Strictness?
I never called u an uncle and ur wording made it sound as tho marrying for love must be some stupid western concept, of course love isn't the be all and end all of marriage but at the same time it does hold a lot of importance for some ppl and it's not fair to make out it's necessarily a bad thing..
Anyway, I'm sorry if my tone came across as too harsh..
Re: Strictness?
I never called u an uncle and ur wording made it sound as tho marrying for love must be some stupid western concept, of course love isn't the be all and end all of marriage but at the same time it does hold a lot of importance for some ppl and it's not fair to make out it's necessarily a bad thing..
Anyway, I'm sorry if my tone came across as too harsh..
No it's definitely not a bad thing at all, and even I myself would prefer to marry someone I love. But it's alright, I believe I'm at fault as well for not being more thorough in my explanation. I might've gotten a bit carried away as well :( I was never a patient person, it's hard trying to be lol.
Btw, your avatar is adorable. I love dogs!