Strength of a parent

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I would like to know what makes a parent strong…strong in the sense where they can be pillars of support for their children.

I’d be a bit clear. At times I wish, I could simply go to my mother and say everything bothering me and cry to my hearts content. But I just can’t do it. Mind you, I’m no little girl, well in my thirties now but still.
One thing is, I’m not very expressive by nature…I don’t open up easily. Besides I love my mother too much to make her worry about me. I realise that she has been through a lot and has had more than a fair share of tough times. She is a heart patient, has lost 3 children, out of them one passed away just two years ago, at the age of 29!!!
Still, at times the going gets so tough that I wish I could cry out loud and she was there for me. Though I know it’s not happening.

Now I’m more interested in knowing, how I can play that role for my children. I hope and wish that they never face any tough time in their lives inshaAllah. But I want to be a strong parent, the one their children can turn to, anytime they want to.
Any tips to share???

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Re: Strength of a parent

i guess this starts from the very beginning. be there to kiss “booboos”. hug and talk to them from an early age. when they look uncomfortable, ask if they are ok. mine is still a baby and i do this and I hope this builds a base of him knowing that I am concerned and willing to help out always. more experienced moms can share better.

as for your mom, i think she is a super strong woman to hv survived what she did and if you want to cry , go to her and cry. you are putting up a roadblock yourself. she is strong enough for it. the hesitancy imo is in you

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Re: Strength of a parent

You are right, I think. It starts from very early on. It’s working fine for me so far but it doesn’t help that I am the only parent around, for most part and in charge for disciplining them as well. I feel my boys relate more to their father. They are close to me but they don’t really open up to me as much as to their father, which is fine as long as they rely on at least one of us. I’m more concerned about my daughters, though. They are younger and we have a great bond but still I find my elder daughter taking after me. She doesn’t open up that easily. She is about to turn 11 and I am anxious that she needs a much stronger bond at this stage but I’m unable to figure out, how can I help her. Youngest is 7 and she comes to me fir everything, no matter what.

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Re: Strength of a parent

Afia, think of those who don’t have their parents in this world.

you may find solace in your mom’s lap without telling anything. a mother will sense what you want/need and she will ask you to open up.

you thank Allah that you still have maaN-baap kaa saayaa over your head.

May Allah make things easy for you. aameen

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Re: Strength of a parent

Yes I’m thankful that my parents are alive alhamdulillah.
However, my concern is not about my relationship with my parents, it’s about my role as a mother for my kids particularly my daughter.
I know I can go to my mum any time and tell her whatever is on my mind but her health and well being being my prime concern, I simply cannot do it.
At the same time I want to knowhow I myself can be strong enough that my kids can come to me anytime without worrying that their problems/troubles will affect me.

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Re: Strength of a parent

I guess you need to actively dull this into their head. Keep telling them that. Tell them you live them. Tell them you are there to help them. Tell them actively to come to you. Tell them you’ll make things Ok.

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Re: Strength of a parent

excellent question afia and a difficult one.
In my opinion, I think it depends on how your children perceive you. children perception of you depends on how you react to crises (big n small) in your daily life.
so how do you deal with/react to adversity?

everyone has their own way …

do you cry all the time? stop smiling, laughing or behaving as per your baseline normal?
do you spiral into depression? or regress emotionally?
do you adopt the martyr attitude?
Does anger take over your life? or religion? to the exclusion of all else …

there are numerous other ways to react … none of them are necassarily wrong as long as those states are temporary.
In short if your children grow up seeing you languish and collapse under a burden of hardship … they will naturally want to protect you from further hurt/stress/pain/worry by not sharing their own issues.

children do as you do, not as you say … i already see this in my daughter who is only 3 yo yet.

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Re: Strength of a parent

^
Your response makes sense…a lot of sense, actually.
I think you are right that children perceive us according to our reactions to circumstances. I never thought of it, this way, even though it is only logical.
Jazaakillah for making some excellent points. I’ll read your post again and again. :slight_smile:

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Re: Strength of a parent

Be their friend. Share your feelings with them, they will start sharing their with you.

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my take on this is, keeping issues hidden because you dont want to worry someone is, a bad way of dealing with concerns and a very flawed communication set up.
this whole concept if hiding stuff is based on ppl not knowing how to handle issues and emotions, practically.

if a child doesnt see its parent sharing concerns and issues, how can the child learn to do so in return with its own parents when they are in a crisis?

i live in a diff continent than my folks. i expect them to tell me of major issues that concern them so that i can go with the flow. my mom doesnt have the best health, but doesnt believe in hiding stuff from me cuz its better i know from the get go that she is sick etc, so that i can deal with emotions and thoughts right along with them.

i also in turn, let them know how things are at my end, not the daily tid bits, but if something major has come up, especially if its health related.

if i had seen my parents hiding all issues from me, that would have sent me the mssg that we just deal with our mess ourselves and dont need to talk to anyone. to treat issues as if they were a burden. so then how could i burden them?

imho, issues come and go in life. lets not call it a burden and make it impossible to be talked about. what is family if we cant even talk about whats bothering us?

unless the person is terminally ill, it should be ok to get a grip of ones emotions, cut out the fringes and just talk about the issue at hand in a mature and practical manner.

here is the issue, lets fix it. OR, here is the issue, it cant be fixed but let me vent, get it out so i can go bk to being normal again

having said all that, this only works with ppl that have a grip of their emotions and can see the big pic rather than going into “OMG hai hai ab kia hoga oh noooooo”.before you know it, focus is on them and your issue has been swept back.
if my parents were like this, i doubt i would tell them anything lol. but it would be incentive enough to not be like them, break the chain, so that my own kids would have someone to talk to and vice versa

:slight_smile:

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Re: Strength of a parent

You make a lot of sense, Khawa…
I feel I have been making too many mistakes regarding sharing my concerns and issues…time to correct 'em. I hope it’s night too late

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its never too late. never. :slight_smile: