So it’s quite common advice to tell wives in unhappy marriages to stay for the sake of the children, but what happens when the kids get older or perhaps want to move away for uni or marriage?
Isn’t staying in a marriage just for the sake of the kids encouraging women to become too emotionally dependent on their children?
Re: 'Stay for the children'
100% independece means no relationships.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
compromises are the corner-stone of any marriage. compromises can be made only to a certain degree after which separation is the best option.
i know an old man who has been married to a mentally challenged woman for the last 4 decades. they have healthy, successful children. all kids have moved out and they are living in an empty nest. he initially stayed in marriage for the sake of children and now they are inseparable as a result of living together for 40+ years together.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
No its not being emotionally dependent on the children. Its putting your kids first before yourself which is a sacrifice only a mom can make to make sure they have stability in life growing up and would get to see both their dad and her.
But in some instances, staying can be harmful if there are fight and abuse in front of the kid, in that case, its better to leave than to stay
Re: 'Stay for the children'
It's a fine line as pisi mentioned. I think mother should make her own independent decision.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
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Re: 'Stay for the children'
My friends who came from marriages where their parents stayed together for the children wished that they would have just gotten a divorce. They grew up in a passive aggressive environment and now have issues in their relationships because of what they witnessed in their household (not necessarily abuse).
Staying together for the children may end up being more detrimental to the kids than people think.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
Once you are sure that you are in a marriage just for the kids, do yourself, ur kids, ur spouse, ur next 10 generations & the entire humanity a favor and LEAVE!
Believe it or not but kids pick up on these things & that is more harmful for them! Also, as a spouse you dont want someone to be with you cuz you have a leverage on them. That's just sad on so many levels..
Re: ‘Stay for the children’
@Pisiform I am not a mother & dont have a single maternal bone in my body either so I ask with the best of intentions to understand that isnt that unfair? Isnt a mother also a person & a fellow human being who has desire to love and be loved by a partner? Why does it sound like an either or option? Either she provides stability in the life of her children by being in a loveless marriage or set herself free of a dead relationship.
Seems like a short term solution to me, maybe it takes kids a while to wrap their brains around the seperation but 10-20yrs down the line when they see their patents happy wont it teach them to chase their happiness rather settling due to circumstances? Arent we trying to teach our kids life long valuable lessons anyway?
I thought we are in an era where women didnt have to make these choices, that they can make choices in their self interest as well. Yes maybe than mothers wont be the advocates of ultimate compromise..but why do we expect them to be that anyway?
I recently came across of a post on Humans of NY where a man gave up his $100,000 job, his RR, house, bank balance etc to run away from a dead marriage which he lived in for 20 years only for the children.
How suffocating he must have felt to have taken such a drastic step?
Re: 'Stay for the children'
Well, Life is not fair. One can go chase happiness but to what extent? There is no such thing as happiness, its all about your perception. There are plenty of woman who desire to be loved; you have heard of woman who were divorced 2 or 3 times, with kids, dating again, or with bf .. still looking for love. How would they know if they would find happiness with the next one? Nothing wrong with them ... in fact, good for them for looking for their prince charming ! But you cannot say the kids are growing up had stability, do you think those kids seeing men - their father, step father .. come and go in their life thinking ... oh yes .. mom is chasing happiness!
I am not saying to live in an abusive relationship to make it work. I am totally against it ! But at least she should try to make it work and not just move on if she has popped 3 kids with the guy and still thinks she doesn't love him. Thats stupid. She should have thought of love before popping kids.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
if a couple is extremely unhappy in their relationship then even if they both agree to compromise for the sake of their children, the children will be affected by their unhappiness.
broken homes/marriages are not perfect solution either but if the relationship is very abusive for either the husband or wife the children will never grow up with a happy soul and peace of mind and in that case in my opinion the couple should separate.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
They should at least give it their best effort to make it work. I have taught students at various grade levels. I've seen the effect of divorce on them. I have seen kids who have behavior problems and there is no dad in the picture...he either has no role or a very limited one. Scuttling between mom and dad....going to one parent's house x times a week and another parent's house the remaining days. Or a single parent coming home from work too exhausted to even look at what homework their child has....or to discipline their child. And I wonder why the parents are not together and in my heart I wish that parent had some more support from a spouse...someone to lean/depend on.
I mean I understand that parents sticking it out in dysfunctional marriages can mess up kids as well. But I've also seen effects of a divorce and an absent parent. Yes, there are exceptions....there will always be exceptions. There will always be beat-the-odds success stories. But you do have a zimaydari in thinking about the impact on the children...and to think about whether your reason for calling it quits is legit or just a series of petty issues that were made into mountains and could be prevented by an adjustment in priorities or with some sabr/compromise.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
Such a beaten topic is not going to generate any traffic, put some more effort to show ur efficiency.
Re: ‘Stay for the children’
^Really? So where are all the millions of thread on this so-called ‘beaten’ topic?
Or is it just the subject matter which seems to irritate you..
Re: 'Stay for the children'
Pisiform, do you really believe there's no such thing as happiness? You make it sound as though the chances of finding someone to love you are very low, that we should perhaps just be grateful for stability..
Saeed, what were you going to say?
Re: 'Stay for the children'
So it's quite common advice to tell wives in unhappy marriages to stay for the sake of the children, but what happens when the kids get older or perhaps want to move away for uni or marriage?
Isn't staying in a marriage just for the sake of the kids encouraging women to become too emotionally dependent on their children?
I'll go ahead and assume we are talking about situations where all efforts to fix things have failed already. There is no possibility of having a normal relationship but the woman stays.
Pakistan doesn't have the same kind of child support laws as the West. For a woman back home leaving the husband's house could have a serious financial cost even if she works. It's easier to make such a sacrifice when it's just your standard of living that's at stake. However, when you have kids you have to think about what they'd be giving up. Not being able to go to a decent school, changing neighborhoods. This stands true for a lot of women back home who don't work or don't make as much as their husbands and don't have well to do parents.
Do women get too emotionally dependent on their kids? Of course. They plan their future around their kids. We're going to have a better life once my son is all grown up and I won't need my husband's money anymore. Kids are expected to take sides when mummy gripes about how much of an asshole dad is. And tanaay for being your dad's son are used to blackmail you. "Sure you did that, that runs in your dad's family." These are things a kid shouldn't have to hear regardless of whether the dad i an asshole or not. A lot of emotional baggage gets unloaded on you when you're still just a kid.
And that's why I think having kids is an extremely bad idea.
Re: 'Stay for the children'
great discussion guys....many thought-provoking ideas.
@ShimmerV -- great input from you....many people can't admit that they are not "maternal" by nature since this is almost expected of a woman. thanks for sharing your feelings.
I don't know if I am right but I think that once you have a child, even if you are not maternal, you develop a sense of responsibility towards that life that you have helped to bring into this world. And that helpless, little being is so very, very dependent on you that to jeopardize what is considered the "perfect" environment is just not something you are easily willing to do.
Having said that, there is a fine line between staying in a relationship for the sake of your children or doing it because you are not ready to take on the challenges of going it as a single parent.