For fist full of smiles 
Star Trek - The Punjabi Generation.
by Sody Singh Kahlon (of the Funjanbis)
Space - the final frontier. These are the voyages of S.S.Chandrasakaram. To seek out new life and new civilisations. To boldly go where no Singh has gone before. Tooo dooo, dooo, dooo, dooo
Surinder Singh Chandrasakaram was on the bridge when Scotty Singh comes running in. “Captain Ji! She kanny take any more. She’s gonna blow!”, exclaimed Scotty. “What are you talking about? I’ve just had the ship MOT’d from the Galactic Mohan Brothers. They told me that it would go from zero to warp 60 in four seconds. Are you saying that they’ve pulled a fast one!?” “No, no its not the engines”, explained Scotty, “I’m talking about my wife Santo Scotty, she’s having her baby!” “Oh I seeee!” replied the Captain, “well don’t just stand there go get Dr. Makhan McCoy. You’ll find him in the Sikh bay. And while you’re at it, ask him if he’s finished ironing my lycra kacha. I want to wear it tonight at the Diwali Dinner on planet Bollywood.” Scotty dashed to find the Doc.
“That’s another crisis sorted. I need a drink,” sighed the captain; “Computer, give me a Pepsi - the choice of the Next Generation!” “Would you like a Milky Way with your drink?” asked the Computer, “Make it so!” came the reply. “Take the bridge, Number 1.” “Where would you like me to take it?” asked Take That (who were the current Number One!). “London already has a bridge, so does New York…” “Enough, of this floundering!” shouted the Captain, “Lieutenant Worf-inder, arrest Number One, and put Number Three in command while I take five minutes to do a Number Two!” “yopwaHHomwIjyISop, sala”, mumbled Worf-inder as he escorted Take That away.
Suddenly, there was a massive surge of incorporate quantum particles into general relativity causing the upset of the cosmological constant (in other words there was a bang!). “Red alert, red alert”, shouted Commander Data (the ship’s robot with an Intel inside), “the ship is experiencing hostile reactions that violates a state of tranquillity!”. “He means we’re under attack!”, explained Counsellor Tejo. “Raise the shields, maximum yield, full spread”, shouted the Captain. “Open hailing frequencies. I am S. S. Chandrasakram of the Federation (ie the Sikh Federation). Your actions are most unnecessary and threatening the very principles of my peeing in my pants! Identify yourselves at once!”
Within moments, up popped a face on the Sony Trinitron screen. “This is Raminder Romulan of Ceti Alpha Six. Sorry about that,” apologised the Romulun, “we’ve got trigger happy Vikram the Vulcan at tactical. He thinks he’s Luke Skywalker! Won’t happen again.” “It better not”, threatened the Captain, “one of our photon torpedoes can ruin your whole day. Especially if we fire it up your quantum fissure! Think about it punk!” With that remark the Romulan’s ship vanished into the night sky. “Bloody learner drivers! Warp speed two”, ordered the captain to Jarnail Geordi, “and take off those stupid looking sun glasses!”
“Damage report, Mr. Shortu Spock”, “Well, I’ve got a slight cough, my head hurts and I aint 'arf got an ear ache!” “Thank-you Spock. The man has an IQ of 209 and he still failed his GCSEs!” murmured the Captain. “Let me put it more simply; WHAT HAPPENED!” “Oh, why didn’t you say,” started Spock, “well, the frequency harmonic between the deflector and the shield grid caused the warp-field generator to overflow the anti-attainguator, and that of course, naturally created an amplification of the inherent energy output in the reactors. But don’t worry about it”. “The flash was the reflection of Jean-Luc Picard’s bald head”, clarified Counsellor Tejo. When Picard had finished flashing (and all the crew had finished having a good look), the ship proceeded on its journey.
Before long the Star Fleet had arrived at a large star base sprawled with flashing neon signs. “Open a channel”, came the well known command, “Identify yourselves!” said the Captain. “I am King of the planet Borg,” came the reply, “you can call me Borger-King. What can I get ya?” “Well, if you’re asking I’ll have a Moon-Bean Burger and some fries - and don’t forget the Star Wars toy!” ordered the Captain. After travelling for a further light year the star ship eventually reached the end of its journey (and about time too!).
Captain’s log. Supplemental. Star date 09-08-96. We have completed our mission and arrived at the very edge of Federation space. I’ve dispatched an Away Team to study the inhabitants of this uncharted territory. The life form appear friendly (most of the time) and so far we have been ignored completely. There are numerous methods of communication but we have not managed to understand any of them! The younger aliens regularly patrol the urban district in shiny shuttles whilst the elder ones engage in deep discussions on community happenings. “It’s life but not as we know it.” And the name of this world; Jalebi Junction, Southall. We may not know what the hell they’re talking about but the Away Team have gained 400 lbs in one week! Close encounters with a Southall kind can be an enlightening experience indeed!
Thankyou Janab E Alla…Scarlet 
xXx
