I don't think it has much to do with "love". It has more to do with trust. If people really feel the need to do a background check like this, isn't it better to be upfront about it and give the other person a chance to come clean if there is any slight chance they are hiding something? Going behind someone's back and doing a check like this without giving them a real, genuine chance is pretty sly, in my opinion.
Nice answer :k:
Both the spouses should have the guts to accept the other for who they are. If one feels a need to hide something, that means that the other partner is not trusting enough which is why he/she cant trust the other to share with him/her his/her fears/plans/past.
There should be a trust between the two.......... the foundation must be the trust. And no "checks" should be required.
Although, it doesnt work that way in reality. There are usually so many worldly things involved the relation which is built is not really between the two hearts which makes it slightly superficial.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
I don't think it has much to do with "love". It has more to do with trust. If people really feel the need to do a background check like this, isn't it better to be upfront about it and give the other person a chance to come clean if there is any slight chance they are hiding something? Going behind someone's back and doing a check like this without giving them a real, genuine chance is pretty sly, in my opinion.
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hmmm Mehnaz I was talking more about the arranged marriage scenario
but
even if you know the person a bit but not too well, there's no real RELATIONHIP yet, trust should not be built immediately, it has to be built gradually... you can't just start trusting everything everyone says .... your trust is something very precious and you shouldn't place your trust on everyone just like that... you have to really test the waters before you start trusting people....
alhamdulillah ALHAMDULILLAH ive been lucky coz my trust has never been betrayed by anyone but i've seen it happen to many others...
there's nothing wrong in doing a background check imho in such a scenario...and i don't think there's anything sly abt it either...you're not harming them...neither are you maligning them or even affecting them in the least... you are simply getting to know more about them... nothing wrong with that i think...
ofcourse if you find something disturbing, then you should ask them abt it in a nice way and give them a chance to explain...
khayr, i dont know, ive never been in this situation....so im not speaking from experience....but these were just some thoughts :)
Well arranged marriages are different cause there is rarely any time for trust to develop before marriage. In those instances, it would be stupid not to do a check. From my understanding, a thorough family background check is usually conducted by the parents (including asking questions about grandparents and distant relatives .... who may be either alive or deceased :p ) ... but I was talking more about marriages where the girl and guy do talk beforehand, do spend time together, etc.
personally, i wudn't mind a background check. Moreover, I'd even assist if a person wud want to do a check on me. Conversely, if i'd decided to do a background check (which i wudn't decide easily) i'd ask and expect approval from that person as well
:)
Mehnaz hmmm in that case yeah maybe doing a background check would be kind of weird...hmmm...but again im thinking if i was in the situation i wouldnt blame the other person or be hurt if they did a background check on me...i mean, it doesn't mean they don't trust me, it just means that they're the "careful type" you know?
abt trust: i would say they dont trust me if i tell them something and they think im lying...thats what lack of trust is..
but doing a background check doesnt mean they dont trust me..
maybe they jus feel awkward asking me those questions directly..u know...
and u cant jus expect the other person to tell u all that...i mean u never asked either right so why shud u expect that they tell? one should never have any expectations
and the other thing is..normally parents do the background check, but if your parents are not involved and you decide to conduct it yourself...is that really wrong...hmm...not sure...
one of my friends who got married to one of her classfellows did ask his friend(s) about his family's property holdings and their financial status and stuff...it was something that did matter to her and asking him directly seemed rude to her...so she asked his friend...
only after she knew all these details did she decide to go for him...
and i know she just wanted to know what she was getting into thats why she asked...
that was a background check i guess in a way?
hmmm.....
i dono, im not in the situation so cant say much i guess...
BTW Mehnaz, im answering in regards to the situation that funguy talked abt:
[quote]
*Originally posted by funguy: *
So, let's say you have started to like this person that you either met through some friend/relative or on your own. You two meet a few times and things start to get serious and you are both thinking along the lines of marriage.
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so, at this point there is no emotional/official commitment...which is what officially establishes the relationship of mutual trust...
at this point they are just "considering" each other...testing the waters...this IS the time to get to know everything abt the other person before taking the plunge...
I prefer to shoot first and ask questions later.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
You ask them up front whatever you need to ask and vice versa. There comes a time when things become 'comfortable' enough to ask ... and the other person might volunteer/open up information about themselves on their own without being asked. Doing an official background check is a bit extreme. You should be able to trust the other person is telling you the truth and if you have to go to the extreme of doing a license check, etc. then you may have trust issues. I dunno ... maybe that's naive of me.
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You need to know about the person in order to trust them.Trust comes after ,knowing them comes before.
Mehnaz, you make a valid argument on trust but it takes time to build relationships based on trust. My discussion was aimed at some of our typical pre-marriage period which can be of as short as a week or may be a few months. Wouldn't it be wise to run a background check just to make sure the person is not some psycho or listed on John Walsh's list.
In Pakistan, people can do some research by word of mouth from distant family or friends but in the states everybody is a stranger. The only tools you have are to run an investigative report that includes his criminal, marital, financial and may be medical records.
I think it MUST be done in cases where the pre-marriage period is not long enough or where the two are not allowed to meet alone.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by funguy: *
Mehnaz, you make a valid argument on trust but it takes time to build relationships based on trust. My discussion was aimed at some of our typical pre-marriage period which can be of as short as a week or may be a few months. Wouldn't it be wise to run a background check just to make sure the person is not some psycho or listed on John Walsh's list.
In Pakistan, people can do some research by word of mouth from distant family or friends but in the states everybody is a stranger. The only tools you have are to run an investigative report that includes his criminal, marital, financial and may be medical records.
I think it MUST be done in cases where the pre-marriage period is not long enough or where the two are not allowed to meet alone.
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I agree with you completely. I was talking about another scenario though, like you noted. :)
If someone does have some deep, dark secret, it won't necessarily show up in a criminal record or through thorough family background checks. That goes in all situations, arranged and non-arranged scenarios.
FG just ask and tell all there is to be asked and told. If you think she is still keeping back stuff then go for the sneaky way.
My problem is I don’t trust others. And I would not ask. I would take the back door. I know it is sneaky and unethical but I wouldn’t ask. That is ONLY if it is a short period of time. Which really wouldn’t apply to me. BTW, this thread is NOT about me. I was just raising awareness for you lot. 
That gives me insight to deep-rooted psychological problems caused by traumatic experiences involving breech of faith and trust. See my secretary and schedule an appointment.
Dr. FF
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Femme Fatale: *
Dr. FF
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That was the only good part of your post. Sounds so naughty.
You know, all you unmarried guppies are in for a surprise. The bottom line is, when push comes to shove, it's the 'little things that matter' not the back ground check.
Well where do you draw the line? If the person has done something wrong, sexual or criminal, and if it's in his or her past, it's beweem them and Allah and we have neither the right to know, or ask, or invade their privacy by doing background checks. And by the way, do people tell the other person they did a background check on them?
Neither me or my husband did background checks. We volunteered information when and if we felt like it. And our parents were satisfied that they had known each other 30 years ago and had mutual friends. And all it took from the mutual friend was, "they're great people".
- Sarah posting with Abdullah's account
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ahmadjee: *
You know, all you unmarried guppies are in for a surprise. The bottom line is, when push comes to shove, it's the 'little things that matter' not the back ground check.
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^ so true :) and the funny thing is there is no standard list of 'small things', that u can be on yr guard on beforhand. these things have a way of showing up once everything is settled out, and then u're left wondering kay ab mujhay is ka pehlay say kaisay khayal aaya ho sakta tha.
dear FG, ok fine, say some one does the back ground check and every thing comes clean and he ends up marrying that woman. After 2 years he comes to know she was sleeping with a guy during her undergrad……now what….i guess back ground check is only effective to some extent…..dude if you have a little bit experience of hanging out in desi party circle in a big city in north America ( Toronto, Chicago, Houston, NY), you will find so many Pakistani ABCD girls in these desi parties who belong to religious families. They openly say that they will have as much fun as possible during their undergrad college life because later on their religious dad will force them to marry some NUT anyways…..I have personally met some really decent paki girls who after becoming friends told me about their sexual experiences. One of them was going to the law school with extremely rich and well-educated background. Being a law student, of course her back ground check would be A plus but…..anyways…..Having said that I also agree that majority of the Muslim girls in north America are decent and do not involve in haram stuff.
But there are many who play the double game quite effectively. I have spent many years in Chicago and have personally witnessed many dramas of these ABCDs….no wonder they are confused.
In Pakistan, every thing is not fair either but it is much easier to find the reputation of a girl back home. Given the close society back home, people poke noses into each other business all the times and therefore, it becomes very easy to find out all “ details” but in north America it is quite difficult…..my advice is to watch out becuase we are talking abt marriage here..not a one nite stand…