Re: Spending night at inlaws
She'd be alienating herself if she were to avoid them altogether. That's not the case as she'll still be helping them out even if she doesn't sleep over. She already knows it's not a big deal to both families....and let's say that staying over is totally acceptable within her cultural group.....despite this both she and her fiancé find it odd. So, she should do what she feels comfortable with.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
I think a good compromise is to spend the day with them, and make sure someone is around you at all times but then go home at night.
When I got married, my devrani (who was engaged but not ye tmarried to my devar) was fully involved in everything--now I have no idea if it was OK in her community, or it was just our families or what, but as far as I know no one's tongues wagged. Guess it depends on the people.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
Members of those communities do not think finances spending the night is a norm...lol spending the whole day yes, as khattichic said but not spending the night.
No, Dulhaniya, i am referring to staying over at night and yes in these communities it is a norm, but norm not as in you could go and stay over every other night but it is perfectly normal staying over at night on happy occasions in the presence of your in-laws and tens of other relatives :)
however, since you do not seem to be comfortable with the idea then you should take the middle road in this situation, like be there till late night and when all the fun hungama finishes go back to your own place and then come back to your in-laws next morning. although i am sure your in-laws would say to you that " why bother going to ur place for 5-6 hours, lets just stay here". :)
Re: Spending night at inlaws
It does depend on families. My extended family is very conservative and none of my female cousins would even go for a short visit to their in laws' before getting married. But my in-laws have a completely different mindset. Before my marriage, when my fiance used to visit the country (he lived in a different country), I would sometimes spend all day at his parents place to spend time with him; and they were okay with it. Before he'd leave, I'd be in his room helping him pack and stuff as well. And they would invite just me for dinners/lunches when fiance would be around...I never spent the night but stayed till pretty late in the night. So maybe your in laws really do want you there and don't care for the brown traditions....if you find it really weird, then talk to them politely about it. But since they really want you there, maybe it's not a bad thing after all?
Re: Spending night at inlaws
Being an involved part of the wedding festivities sounds great and kudos to your in-laws for involving you. To honour their wishes, go early in the morning and have someone (mom, sister, older bhabhi/cousin) stay with you for late evening events and then drive you to your own home.
But as some others have said, I wouldn't spend the night - you are engaged, you aren't married (not even nikkah-o-fied) yet.
I know some families where they won't even invite the DIL/SIL to be to family events/parties, not because they don't care for the girl, but to help protect the girl's reputation. They don't want other people to "talk" and others who don't know the family dynamics just might talk.
I think being involved is different than spending the night, but this is just my perspective.
Agree with the above. Help out by all means but I personally wouldn't stay over. It seems weird to say the least (but that's my opinion).
I think the best thing you can do is like Sehrysh said is to go early possibly with someone and stay til say late but leave with said family member. Is that possible?
Can you kindly decline the offer to stay over or will it offend more than do good?
Do what feels comfortable.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
Yea go and enjoy the wedding peeps but don't stay over. Even if they have offered it to you. They may not think anything bad now but other people will... and you don't wanna sow those kinds of seeds into their head anyway. Just come home late.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
One of my friends got married last year and her soon to be bhabhi stayed over for two nights at her place (for mehndi and then followed by wedding the next day). This soon to be bhabhi (lets call her B)was invited by my friends family and was very involved in almost everything. So the wedding got over and B went back to her place. A week after the wedding I got to know from my friend that people had started talking about B and her brother to an extent that rumours leaked and B and my friend's brother had to get a Nikkah done within a week. Wedding is not until next year though.
Of course this is an extreme case but in my honest opinion, I don't think you should stay over. Like others said, stay for the whole day and leave later at night but avoid staying over if you can.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
I would say no because there can be too many complication that are not necessary, if you dont live that far from your inlaws, stay till late and come home to sleep and then go early morning, talk to your nand and MIL and tell them how you are feeling about staying over.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
No, don't tell your nand and MIL your feelings about staying the night over.....because they might get offended and assume u don't trust them or that you think they don't know about social rules/etiquette.....this may seem odd but sometimes things backfire this way.....and they'll just convince you to stay over as they've already made up their mind.
If you are absolutely certain u don't want to spend the night.....talk to ur parents and have them come up with a valid/reasonable excuse that they can give your MIL for not spending the night. Make sure the excuse is such tht it won't get caught later on. Or have you parents talk to MIL and explain that they don't feel comfortable as this is not done in your family or whatever. But do NOT attempt explaining to your in-laws yourself. Have ur parents do it...because that lends authority to the affair and keeps it cleaner and u protected.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
People are going to talk no matter what you do. If you stay past midnight, people will talk too. You just have to make sure that you and the people who matter to you are okay with whatever decision you make, and don't worry about the gossips, because some those will comment just about your presence in the home before marriage.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
^Exactly!
People are going to comment no matter what.
If you don't show up at all, someone might comment something nasty regarding your relationship with your in laws..
If your parents are okay with it, it really doesn't matter what people say...
Do what you are comfortable with.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
:k: It is IMPOSSIBLE to please every-single-person. The earlier a woman realizes this, the better it is. No matter what a desi woman does…there will always be someone out there who has a problem with it.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
i dont think you should spend the night by all means go help out during the day but at the end of the day come back and sleep at your own house. how much would u really be missing over night? adults would be sleeping anyways and ya the youngsters might stay up and have fun but thats what would create more misunderstandings cause no adult would be there to "supervise". before I got married last summer I went to pakistan to shop for the wedding and my husbands cousin was getting married and his aunt insisted that i attended but my parents said no. my grandma had 2-3 dinners at several occasions for his side of the family (extended family) to come and meet me at my grandma's house. my mother in law herself said its not necessary for me to attend the wedding and she actually said to my husband and my sister in law that she respects my parents for saying no and for me myself saying no and so did his grandma. his aunt was really mad at me but his grandma said thats how girls should be raised and im glad that my grandson found such a girl even tho she grew up in canada but she has the values. im sure there wouldn't have been 'baatain' as my husband wasnt in pakistan at the time but i knew if i went i would be judged constantly like if i laughed too hard or if i didnt talk to someone more than other its just not worth it.
according to my mom its not about your in laws being okay with it she says the bigger thing to consider is that its just an engagement and that could break off (ALLAH NA KARE) as it hold no real place in islam and ALLAH na kare if it does break off after u have spent a night at his house its a hard thing to justify to your future husband/in laws. i hope nothing ever happens between your relationship with ur in laws and fiance InshaAllah but these are tiny things that are important to keep in mind. plus since your fiance also finds it weird that you will be spending the night at his house before nikah i think u really shouldn't. your sister in law should understand and you can tell her that you will be with her till shes in her bed but after that you will be heading home for the night and will be back in the morning to help her.
i realize that people might make baatain even by you being there at night and stuff but if you have to draw the line somewhere id think this is where it should be.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
**“according to my mom its not about your in laws being okay with it she says the bigger thing to consider is that its just an engagement and that could break off (ALLAH NA KARE) as it hold no real place in islam and ALLAH na kare if it does break off after u have spent a night at his house its a hard thing to justify to your future husband/in laws.”
**
:k:
^THIS! It’s mainly this reason (as well as others), but mainly because of this that I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of it either. It is ONLY an engagement, not a nikkah…and khuda na khaasta if it breaks, who needs for a future rishta potential to get weird ideas after possibly finding out that she spent the night over at her in-laws. And for those saying that well I did it and so n so cousin/khala/parosan/classmate/friend that I know did it…and no tongues wagged is NOT a guarantee that it will be like this for everyone. Why take the risk? Yes people will ALWAYS talk and we can’t always remain fearful…but in some cases the possible risk and consequences of “talk” are greater or more severe.
Besides weddings tend to put people on edge and increase chances of misunderstandings, arguments, etc. I’ve seen people get snippy and lose their lihaaz just from wedding tensions …and not just bridezilla. Just help during the day n go home in the evening.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
I would not stay in this situation. I would rather go a couple of hours ahead, stay a bit late after the guests leave and the function is over and come back home to sleep
Re: Spending night at inlaws
We shd have a criteria on which we shd be able to weigh our actions and make decisions also and that is given to us in islam....Allah ka kia hukm hey is barey main....ur fiance is namehram will u have a mehram with u all the time?? U judge n decide.
Re: Spending night at inlaws
^The mehram thing wouldn't have to be an issue if she's not left alone with him..
Despite what ppl are saying I think it's mostly down to 'what will others think?' If religion was really the issue we shouldn't be staying at cousins' homes either when we visit Pak yet most are obviously fine with mingling with non-mehrams then..
Re: Spending night at inlaws
^Ditto Deeba. I think culture has become overwelmingly something we bow down to. My advice was based on the fact I felt OP wanted to get involved but at the same time didn't feel comfortable staying at her future husbands family home. To combat that I felt it was quite reasonable of a request for her to take part in the prep work and then leave at night to go home. I've seen many girls do this in Pakistan too-noone seemed too bothered about the mingling with the opposite sex part (as I assumed would be the issue from a religious POV) but there you go.