I hope everyone is well and healthy. I will try and be brief, but as of late I am extremley confused about my LIFE (!). I have no idea what I want to do and, it seems, endless time to figure it out (due to covid) which is another type of aniexty in itself (I need to get out of the house, I am going crazy).
Basically, this past year I have started the first of my PhD and tbh it was going great. Have an excellent research question, got into the top uni in the UK for my course and into an Ivy League in the US for a visiting scholarship. I spent first semester in the UK then went to the US for half a semester before I had to go home due to covid. The issues began in the US, I lowkey realised I was kinda wishing I was like my friends (who are all working and none are in any type of education anymore) working, making money, getting apartments, just general adulting without the stress of school, etc. I started having these thoughts here and there but just put it down to stress or whatever. Then covid happens and I got pulled home early. That really messed up my momentum. But it did with everyone. Myself and all my peers have lost the will to work, concentrate or make any progress. Which is fairly normal in a PhD lifeline, espicially considering the circumstances. But me - I have REALLY recently lost interest. I am just SICK of reading 24/7, theorising till the cows come home, writing and rewriting about the same topics and concepts and just in general this PhD isn't exactly what I though it would be. I really thought it would be a little more practical than theoretical and I am not enjoying it as much now as I was in the beginning. Then I got some recent feedback from supervisors in which one of the them (there's 2) indicated I should rethink doing a PhD cos this IS how it is and it is only going to get harder/worse as the years progress. So that kinda threw me for a loop. Then on top of this, due to covid, fieldwork for PhD's (which is my next step) has been put on hold for at least 6 months to a year due to safety precautions. So that means my timeline is extended and I may not finish will I am 33/34. I am 28 now. That is waaaaaaaay too long to be a student and not make any real money/income (rn i just do random jobs at the uni that pay by the hour just as some pocket money but live mostly off student loans as I am self funded). And tbh the one thing I am most upset about rn in regards to not doing a PhD is that I can't go back to NYC for my visiting scholarship cos I loved life out there. But that isn't even realted to my PhD!!!! So as of now, I decided to take an academic intermission and just figure things out.
So my issues is I don't really know what to do. Do I carry on? I am not even sure I want to or that I enjoy it anymore. I originally wanted to do a PhD because I love research and learning and I love my question, but I know I def don't wanna be an academic so is there even a point? Plus I feel so guilty giving up on Ivy League and sad giving up my NYC life but also kinda wanna cry thinking about reading any more academic texts lol.But then option is to work but I have NO IDEA anymore what kinda job I wanna do. I work in the field of international development...and I have good experience but it is only about 5 years worth and any job I get would be just above entry level.
And this is just extra but I hate the idea of monotonous 9-5 life!!!!!!!! But I know realisitically there is not much I can do about this...thats just the world we live in. Lol. So maybe ignore this part.
Anyone been through anything simular? Major life choice/career confusion? Any advice is appriciaited. Thanks.
**Well Beti if you don't mind so I can call you that, first off I would like to know what is your field of study?
I think you seemed to have picked for the PhD Thesis a subject or line of research that you had not thoroughly investigated or previously worked on, and when you jumped into the research it was either not challenging enough or outside your interests!
As far as I remember there were only two (?) GS members with a PhD but they aren’t active on this forum anymore. What everyone else could tell you is that you kinda really do need to enjoy if not tolerate the long process. It’s quite a long and lonely commitment, will it pay off?
Once the corona circus is over, are you willing to sacrifice certain things and are you going to be able to regain your focus/interest? Or was Covid-19 the final straw? I know this has caused more stress, not just for you but any other (PhD) student. But it came with an opportunity, for you to take a break and ask yourself if this is really what you want? Not just the process, but also the endgoal?
As soon as you have a more clear idea of what you can see yourself doing in the next 5 or 10 years, you’ll know what to do. Having a goal makes the process worth it in the end, even if makes you wanna curse/cry/give up at times. That’s normal.
I would love to have a PhD in Psychology one day but reading your dilemma it’s exactly what puts me off going that route. I don’t think I love doing research that much. The few brain cells I have left cannot tolerate so much confusion and stress.
One thing that I have observed in my friends who pursued PhD is that it does get tougher and lonelier as time progresses. Self doubt peaks around 3rd year, perhaps because quitting and pushing further both seem equally a complete waste. Except for rare cases, even the best students go through that. During that phase, the role of the main supervisor is pivotal. Unfortunately, most supervisors are extremely selfish so I wouldn’t expect much. So you do your own assessment based on your progress so far, the feedback you’ve got, and most importantly your personal values.
One thing I’ve come to believe in, after a very tough job I held for sometime, is to differentiate between challenges and things that are overwhelming. If something is a challenge, I try my best but if something is overwhelming, I quickly quit.
PHD is a depressing and isolating experience, you need a good support system to get through it. And if you don't have that then well your emotions are exactly what it feels like. I also thought about pursuing PHD after master's where the first 2 yrs of master's would have counted toward Phd but I noped the heck out of it after seeing so many depressing phd students plus my first yr in grad school was quite tough in itself.
You should write a pros and cons list for pursuing phd and for not pursuing it, sometimes having your thoughts on paper helps you reach a decision. Keep in mind though, you are going to be 33 in 5 yrs anyway so take the age factor out of the equation when making your decision.
Education is costly, plus you are giving up on income and life. A few of my friends did PHD's and didnt really do better than the ones who had bachelors or masters is life and they kindda geeked out in life and learnt from books rather than from life. Human interaction and learning on the job are a good thing. Unless you are studying psychology, where you need to have the PHD.
Several years ago I was debating getting a degree in a different field; one that I was always interested in. At that time, I had taken a break from my profession; I actually felt as though I couldn’t return to it. Mentally, it was a very uncomfortable place to be in. I did some research, I thought of pros and cons, I even spoke to people with first-hand experience in the field I was contemplating. But I still couldn’t reach a conclusion. Sometimes that happens. That you research and rack your brain and ask around and you still can’t decide. So, I did istikhara and it has always worked for me. I just prayed 2 units and afterward I recited durood, followed by the istikhara dua, and then my plea worded in English, then I concluded with durood. In my dua I asked Allah for such clear guidance that it would not leave behind any feelings of doubt in my mind/heart and I also asked Him to make my heart content with His will. While making the dua, my phone was ringing. It was maghrib and I thought it strange because I wasn’t anticipating any call. After I got done, I looked at the phone and it was a friend of mine.....one who usually doesn’t call. This particular friend had a friend who belonged to the field that I was interested in. She called to give sone information about the field........and the info I received answered the questions/doubts that I had and that I couldn’t find during my online research. I was able to make my decision easily....very easily...and it was soon followed by a feeling of relief. I look back at that time and I feel okay. I don’t feel any regrets. My istikhara dua was answered while I was praying. When I told the friend on the phone that she had provided me with the answers I was seeking in my istikhara.....she was stunned, too....because of the timing of her call and my prayer. So, OP, do istikhara if you are still feeling conflicted. Ask for guidance that is so clear that it will remove all doubts from you. Ask for your heart to be content with the guidance. You can repeat istikhara several times a day or even every day until you reach a conclusion. It's a simple process and you can do it on your own. Unfortunately there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding istikhara and Desis have complicated it. But know that it is always something you can do and things will fall into place.
1) You got into top uni in uk
2) You can go to Ivy League school in USA
3) You like your field and topic of research
4) You are probably doing well in your ph.d so far
5) You don’t like 9-5
Maybe you can take a break, get a job, work two years. The. You will know wha you want to do. But danger is you may not want to go back. If your job is in ur field of research then you may be able to finish ur ph d sooner. Some of the work rpexperience can be included in ur research
One cannot just do PhD unless they are mad passionate about the subject they are into. Needs a lot of dedication. And yes sacrifices from fun but thats what passion make you do, aint it?
Like literally crazy.
So thats upto you are if you are willing to go that far or no. Also dont let the colors you see in others' lives like partying etc distract you. You'll get all what you want but have to be patient, not just patient rather a lot of patience is needed. Think about it, once you finish your starting point will not be the same as the starting point of others, you'll be way ahead.
And in the end if you are still losing interest, you might not cut for it to begin with. And its always an option to rollback while you got time. I can guarantee you have a great future ahead either way but if I were you I would take it all the way and that'll shape my direction.
You do not see doing Ph.d as career, how come? Why do it if it is not a career path?
You are not earning anything hence still see yourself as a "student", which really can be a killer feel
I am currently in my last year of my Ph.d and yes there have been times when I really had to motivate myself to continue, but for me doing Ph.d is getting a step closer to my goal plus I am in a different position than you , which def takes away some of the feelings of being stuck in a student position and seeing everyone racing by.
I hope you figure it out, but please do leave the age factor out when thinking about it. You're going to be 33-34 in 5 years anyway.
Beeba, can you drop me a PM? International development and studying/living in the UK.. I have some pointers for you with regards to work, and there are definite non-entry level roles out there for you.
Did you do your masters and phd one after the other? Most people I know took a few years out after masters, to get some perspective and a feel of the working world. It actually inspired their phd's more and energized them.
