Guess what? Islam tells us to respect our parents…BUT…parents are held accountable for their actions as well. A Quran teacher once told me that Allah blesses parents who help to make it easier for their kids to respect them (through kindness and mercy).
There is even a hadith where the Prophet SAWS warned a father about treating his children unequally because it is unjust and also because he is risking his children turning against him.
My understanding and experience is that difficult mothers often have had difficult childhoods themselves. And even you have mentioned that your mom had a difficult childhood. And for some people it’s tough to separate their past from their present.
You have continued to show kindness to your mother even when she has been insensitive toward you. You are aware of your feelings of hurt and of her wrong behavior. And this awareness will inshaAllah become your STRENGTH when you become a mother in the future…as it will prevent you from making the same mistakes.
Many desi parents like to excuse and exempt themselves of accountability for their actions by saying nonsensical things like “I am your mother and regardless of how i treat you, you can’t say or do anything against based on Islam”…well, they are not intepreting or following Islamic teachings correctly. It’s arrogant for a parent to assume that Allah will not take them to account for their mistakes just because they are a mommy and daddy. That’s wrong. It’s a twisted way of thinking. And parents use this strategy to control their kids…even when the parents themselves are clearly in the wrong.
^The harm of implementing such a dysfunctional strategy is that it makes children blame themselves and this can destroy self-esteem. I have posted 2 links below regarding Islamic articles about Oppressive Parenting. I urge you to read them, so that you understand that your mom’s justification of her actions toward you has NO** validity in Islam:**