#1
"A man called in to customer service and said his computer was not working. After going through the usual list, the customer service rep asked if the computer was plugged in. The customer said, “Hold on, I’ll go get a flashlight.”
The rep said, “Why do you need a flashlight?”
The customer replied, “Because it’s dark in here. The power is out.” When told the computer would not work without power, the customer was outraged and said he was told that he was told that he had purchased a computer with “backup” (a tape backup archiving system).
#2
Tech Support: “Hello, ESM tech support.”
Customer: “I’ve got to stop this before my computer is ruined.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem, Miss?”
Customer: “Wll, I put your demo disk in the slot. And I typed ‘A:’. And then I put down ‘PKUNZIP DEMO.ZIP C:’ like it says on the label.”
Tech Support: “Yes.”
Customer: “And now something inside my computer is exploding!” (when unzipping files through an unzipper, there are certain methods to unzip the file. They are mostly: deflating, exploding, unzipping, extracting, etc. etc. -Faizy).
#3
Here’s a story I heard from a friend who works at a PC repair place.
One day a customer walks in with his computer and says his modem isn’t working. After the usual explanation (A low connection speed,) I ask him what his usual procedure is for hooking up to his ISP. He says that during connection the modem seems to have trouble so he lifts up the receiver and makes a KHSHSSSHH sound. After me and my coworker stop from laughing hysterically we explain to him that he is inserting line noise and connecting at a slower speed.
#4
One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told me that she received our disk and said that she’s afraid of it.
Tech: Well, ma’am there is nothing to be afraid of. It’s a disk for your computer.
Cust: Well, I don’t have a computer. The directions say “install and run”. I’m too old to run.
Tech: Ma’am could you please hold? (screams with laughter)
Tech: Ma’am I can insure you that you are OK.
Cust: OK. Should I call the police?
Tech: No, ma’am, just throw it away.
Cust: Well, there is a silver thing that slides across and it clicks. What is that?
Tech: It is safe to throw it away. It’s for a computer, OK?
Cust: But is this a bomb?
Tech: No, ma’am, just throw it away.
Cust: Now?
Tech: Yes, if you like.
Cust: Son, you saved my life! Thank you and have a nice day.
#5
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing the guy that he had a hardware problem:
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet there is some command I can put onto the AUTOEXEC.BAT that would take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know there is something I can put in… some command … maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as ‘C:\DOS\NOSMOKE.EXE’ and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It’s still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you’ll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE .
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy, but NO … he calls back four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done, and how much it will cost…
#6
Tech: Okay, sir, to finish opening your account, I will need you to provide a credit card number.
Cust: All right, hold on. (some rustling around) Okay, do you have it yet?
Tech: Well, no. You haven’t given it to me yet.
Cust: Sure I did, I just stuck it (the card) in this (3.5 inch) slot in the front of this computer. (turned out to be the Floppy Drive)
#7
An exasperated caller to Dell computer tech support couldn’t get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse. (in some MACs, u can start the computer by either pusing a special key on the keyboard or clicking a mouse button. -Faizy)
#8
A customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer would not work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”.
#9
AST tech support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The “dust cover” turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
10
Another Compaq tech received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. after trouble shooting for magnets and head failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. (My God, this man was even dumber than Homer Simpson. -Faizy)
#11
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
12
When my friend was working in Escom Sales, there was a guy who came to buy WinWord. Around one hour he called that the damn thing ain’t working. Moreover, he told to my friend that the whole computer is broken. My friend asked him to bring it to the shop. When the guy came in, I had to get to the back room to laugh. Why? The guy was installing the WinWord. After he finished with a first floppy, he got a screen message, saying, 'please insert disk into into Drive A:'. So, he did. But, without removing the first floppy…He was convincing us that it wasn’t his fault because there was no message saying ‘please, remove disk one first’ He almost accused my friend of damage…But, the thing which is still puzzling me is, how on earth he pushed a second disk into a drive??? (well its easy. He must be a Ching Student -Faizy)
13
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding the paper in front of the monitor and hitting the “send” key.
14
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking it for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. (wonders of electronics, eh?)
15
This came from a Tech Rep from Australia.
Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘24X’ on it.”
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
#16
Another customer calling the Canon help desk complained that his BJC-610 was not printing red. After the tech ran the customer through a few unsuccessful cleanings, he asked the customer to remove the red tank and see how much ink was in it. The customer then said “No, it doesn’t have any ink. On page 130 in the manual, it said to do some extensive cleanings. So, I drained the ink and filled it with water to clean it.”
#17
Cust: Do I need a monitor? I have everything else.
Tech: Yes, ma’am.
Cust: Why? That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. (See who’s talking?)
#18
I just had a call where the customer wanted to know if a modem and mouse were going to come with the software. I told them that only the disk is going to be in the start-up kit. They couldn’t believe we were going to make them pay for their own modem and mouse…! (he was probably an AOL Starting Member, -Faizy)
#19
Cust: Oh, my god, I just received this disk in the mail, I never ordered a disk…Am I a member? Am I being charged for this?
20
User: My computer is not working.
Tech: Is it on?
User: Yes, it is on. I am not stupid.
Tech: Ok, did you try to reboot it?
User: You mean turn it off and on? I did but nothing changes. The screen still looks the same.
User had been turning on and off the monitor for about a half hour thinking it would fix the problem. (to do the reboot, u also need to turn off and on the tower itself, -Faizy)
#21
Cust: Look, look!!! Look what it’s doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??
Tech: (keeps saying
http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif
Sir, I can’t see your computer, what is it doing??
Cust: (keeps saying
http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif
WHAT??? Can’t you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!! You can see it, can’t you?!
#22
Actually had a lady call up today asking if our software would run on a Commodore 64! (Anyone still remember those relics?) She said, “I guess I need to get a more updated computer”. I replied, “Oh, yes.” (This lady either believes in being REAL thrifty or she’s poor). Then she asked me, “What is Windows?”…I almost broke out laughing. I suggested she go to an electronics store for more info. on getting a computer that wasn’t the cyber equivalent of rocks and sticks.
#23
One of our techs got a call from the archetypal clueless customer - no matter how detailed her explanation was, it just wasn’t detailed enough for this guy. Every time she asked him to open or close a file, she had to describe the process. After 40 minutes (half of which was spent describing how to use the operating system), she decided to just give up and let someone else step up to bat.
“I’m going to refer this to a senior technician,” she said. “He’ll be calling you right back.”
“But that won’t work,” the customer protested. “There’s a three-hour time difference, and I won’t be here in three hours.”
24
Lady calls claiming to be a new member. Nothing under the screen name she gave, nada under phone num…zilch under her name…I resorted to the credit card num… ZIP… nothing. I asked how long she’d been a member, she said a few days. Finally, I asked her if she’s SURE it was AMERICA ONLINE she signed up for…and she said, “yeah…well it’s called InterNet Direct on my computer, though.”
#25
Cust: I just got your software in the mail…when are you sending the computer?
Tech: You don’t have a computer?
Cust: Nope. But I have the software, just send me the computer and you’ve got a new member. (wonders always happen with AOL Starting Members. -Faizy)
#26
Can you believe it…someone wanted to know how to get to then internet through a Brothers Word Processor with Windows 95 & a Boca 2400 Modem!!!
Tech: Does it have a hard drive?
Cust: What’s that? (wonders still happen people)
27
Man: “Uh, I’m trying to send e-mail to my daughter and she’s not receiving it…”
Tech: “Okay, sir, what is her e-mail address?”
Man: “I don’t know… she doesn’t even have a computer…can’t I send it to her post office?” (Well daaa. There is no need to explain that this is an AOL member calling an AOL Tech Staff. -Faizy)
28
Cust: Do you really need a modem?
Tech: Yes, ma’am, you do.
Cust: Do you really, really need one?
Tech: Yes, ma’am, I am afraid that you do.
Cust: WELL, THAT’S DUMB!!! (hangs up). (these people try to show off. Just to prove themselves smart. Well, daaa. They aren’t -Faizy)
#29
Cust: You cancelled my account yesterday.
Tech: All right, how may I help you, ma’am?
Cust: Was that the reason my C:\ crashed?
Tech: No, ma’am, your hard drive would not crash because of your account being cancelled.
Cust: Are you sure?
Tech: Yes.
Cust: Ok…I knew that… (AOL customer eh?)
30
A while back, I sold a copy of a popular word processing application to a customer. About 40 minutes later, I received a call from her stating that it wouldn’t install, and in fact would fail on the first disk. I instructed her to bring it back in for an exchange. She did, and we did. Another 40 minutes later, she calls again with the same problem, and again, we exchange her product. 40 minutes later, she calls again, and she is understandably becoming frustrated with this whole affair. I offer that if she would bring it back, I would install it on the store’s system to insure it’s operability, with the provision that if it fails, we fully refund her. She agrees. She brings it back, and we try to install. I open the box, only to find the 5.25 disks trimmed by about an inch on either side. Yes, you guessed it. She had purchased what was then the standard, a 5.25" version, and had tried to"make the disks fit" in her spanking new 3.5" drive.
#31
A friend who works in tech support at Intel tells the following story about trying to help a caller get a program working:
Tech: Do you have any other windows open?
Caller: Yes.
Tech: Please close them.
Caller: (pause) Well, OK.
Tech then hears caller set down phone and walk around the room closing all of the windows…
#32
A friend from school tells of a panicked call from his mother when she tried using her new computer for the first time because the mouse wouldn’t work. Turns out, she was waving it in the air in front of the computer to get the pointer to move…
#33
I have an experience to relate. I worked for a company that sold complete CAD packages. Ex: the PC and the software all preloaded and tested.
One engineer who had bought the package rang up furious that his PC was broken and wanted a refund. I went through all the usual trouble shooting. Switching the power on and off; he said the lights were flashing and no the pc was not beeping.
He then checked the cables and the monitor. Could he feel any static from the screen? Yes, was the reply. We were stumped, it looked like we had tried everything and after an hour of insult and abuse I was about to give up. Then a voice from behind me said, Is the brightness turned down? Unbelieving I asked is the brightness on the monitor turned down. First there was silence, then I heard swearing, shouting, and something being thrown across the room. Hello, I said, did it work? Sheepishly he said, Oh yes our YTS had turned the brightness down to save the screen burn and then went to lunch.
Sent in by Stephen Burley
#34
Here is a true and extremely funny story from Tasmania, Australia.
This guy recently got a DX4 100 and was told that he should get a heat sink and fan for it. A few days later, he got the heat-sink, but decided to install it himself instead of brining it back to the shop. Well, after installing the heat-sink, the computer mysteriously failed to work. He phoned up the shop and they said to take the heat-sink off and put it back on again, suggesting that the CPU chip was slightly loose. When this failed to achieve anything, he took it back to the shop. The reason why the computer didn’t work?? When he screwed on the heat-sink, he put a hole RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE of the CPU chip!!! The technical support people just couldn’t believe it!! This guy must have been very dense, because he then asked “Well, isn’t this sort of thing covered by the warranty??”. The techies cracked up even more. (Alex, u gotta read this one. -Faizy)
Sent in by Chris McKay
#35
Tech:… Now press the keys S..E..T..U..P..Enter
Cust: I Can’t reach the Enter key!
Tech: Sorry? Did you say…
Cust: Should I release the other keys?
Just think about what this idiot’s screen would look like by then.
SSSSEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPP
#36
I work at UPS tech support for their shipping programs. Oh GOD we get some intelligent ones there. Here’s a few.
Me : Thanks for calling UPS Tech Support how can I help you?
Cust: Your system’s broken.
Me : Ok. Why would you say that?
Cust: It won’t turn on.
Me : Check the cables that go from the computer to the wall, make sure that they are plugged in.
Cust: The power cables?
Me : Yes.
Cust: O.k. Hold on…
<about 15 minutes pass>
Cust: Ok I’m back.
Me : Did it work?
Cust: Did what work?
Me : The computer. When you checked the cables did it work?
Cust: Oh.. yeah, when I plugged it back in it worked, and I’ve been processing my packages since.<DUH!>
37
A guy calles tech support and says:
Person: Hello, I got a game in the large bendable diskettes. To install the game it says "put in the floppy disks, I did that and the computer says that there is nothing in there, what should I do?
Technician: What side did you put in the diskette sir?
Person: Does it matter? once you take out the floppy disk out from the black covering its round!
Technician: Hold a second sir.(Falls on floor laughing)
Technician: Sir… you are not supposed to take the round disk from it’s cover.
Person: How do I put the round things back in?
Technician: Don’t bother, the “things” are ruined, hold on, I’ll give you the company’s insurance guy. (man o man. I shouldn’t make any comment on this one. This guy is even dumber then Homer Simpson. -Faizy)
Sent in by Avishai Ziser
#38
Tech : Sir, do you have PCAnywhere? I need to log into your computer. (PCAnywhere is Software for remote computer control for trouble shooting)
Cust : Yes, I have PC’s everywhere in my office.
#39
A customer buys a 486 CPU and takes it home. He calls up tech support a while later and says that he had put the new chip in his computer but it wasn’t working. When the machine is brought in for the technicians to look at, they discovered that he had unsoldered his 386 CPU and installed the new 486 CPU. Of course the holes didn’t line up, so he cut off enough legs on the 486 so that it would. (wohaaattt?? hahahaah … i never thought of doing that -Faizy)
And he wondered why his machine didn’t work.
40
Tech: Gateway 2000 Technical Support, this is Paul speaking.
Customer: My computer doesn’t work.
Tech: What’s wrong with it?
Customer: I don’t know! I’m turning the key but nothing happens!
Tech: Ma’am, can you hold for a second, I have to check something.
—During the hold I laugh profusely.—
Tech: OK, I think I found your problem. You have to push the button that says “power” right above it.
Customer: Nothing happened.
Tech: Do you have it plugged in?
Customer: You mean you have to plug these things in?! This is going to bring my electricity bill way up!
Customer’s husband (in background): “I told you those things were more expensive than just the price to buy one!”
Sent in by Paul Jennings (Gateway 2000 Computer Manufacturers)
#41
Caller: My computer has stopped.
Tech: Is there anything on the monitor?
Caller : Yes, but when I type, nothing happens.
Tech: You see your keyboard?
Caller : Yes.
Tech: Can you tell me what lights are on ?
Caller : (PAUSE) The one in the hall and one in the kitchen. (hahahaa)
#42
One person called me up, needing me to fix his computer because he went into his CMOS setup and changed the hard drive type to one with a higher capacity. He thought that he could get more space out of his. I wish!
#43
A friend called me and was extremely frustrated because he couldn’t run BattleChess on his new Mac. “I insert the disk, and I click on the icon, but I get a message that says BattleChess must be run from a hard disk.”
“Wait, you didn’t install the program on your hard drive?” I asked.
“Why should I do that?” he said, “The disk it came on is hard!!!” (hahaha)
#44
Cust: I cant seem to access my big disk drive.
Tech: Well… Is the door shut?
Cust: Just a second…
–The man is heard getting up and shutting the door–
Sent in by Alan Schmidt
45
Cust: Hello, I’ve just faxed you some important papers. Did they get through all right?
Tech: No ma’am, I’m sorry, we haven’t received any faxes in the last half hour.
Cust: Well, make sure I’m doing this right. Walk me through the procedure.
Tech: Well, insert the paper into the fax machine and press SEND, then–
Cust: What fax machine?
Sent in by Rachael Osborn
#46
Residential Customer: How can I get a T1 line installed?
Of course we don’t offer T1 lines because who, other than a big company, could afford it.
But, if we did: “Sure, that’ll be $3500 for the installation and about $1000 a month for maintenance, plus your monthly membership fee, but don’t forget you get a couple hours free each month”.
47
Tech Support: Please press zero on the keyboard, then press .
User: Zero? Uh, do you mean, zero the letter, or zero the number?