Here are some jokes for you… have fun
Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the
duck from its owner.
After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and
the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck
is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't
dance a single step!"
"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the
candle under the pot?"
Heard in Court
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
The big fight
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Punishment
~~~~~~~~~~
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "i was disciplined by being sent to my room without super. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I sent hime to MY room!"
Experience
~~~~~~~~~~
The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read a goodnight story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and
touch his wrinkled cheek.
By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his.
After a while she asked; "Granddaddy,did God make you?"
"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered; "God made me, a long time ago."
"Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"
"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while
ago."
"Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it now, isn't He?