“I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My
husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today?
You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly
have to tell her?’ ‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her
you just said that.’” -Rita Rudner
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“I was an accountant for a while, but I wasn’t very good. I
always felt that if you got within two or three bucks that
was close enough.” -Bob Newhart
***
“Did you ever read the book ‘Everything I Needed to Know I
Learned in Kindergarten?’ I learned only two things in
kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want you
can take it from them by force. And second, Elmer’s glue
makes a great between-meals snack.” -Gary Barkin