im still in love with him.
im so stupid i cant help it.
OMG.. how can you "love" someone when he treats you like s h i t??? Girl, that's definitely not called "love". You haven't experienced love... I'd just call it one-sided obsession
Dead on mate. Exactly what i came to conclude.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
CHIPKALI: I totally understand your frustration.
too Hate it when that happens. I also wanted to complain about this. Just remember to select/copy your message before posting.
TLK Bhai fix this man....
Bob Woolmer...I was also getting confused and beginning to revert along these lines.
Alvena...Its clear you are very much attached. I can understand as a girl high inclinement towards emotions.
But you have to be more rational, for your own future best sake.
Alvena, we have determined that this guy is no way going to get into a long-term relationship with you.
so you are loosing your self-respect and dignity by giving him any kind of relationship relevant emotion.
I know its hard to control yourself being a girl-But dont just lok for the present but your future and long-term benefit ake.
I know it can be fun, but messing about with such a guy right now, you will surely regret in donw the line in future, when it does come to that inevitable stage one day when you are separated due to change college or paths.
You are young yet, so you dont know these things. But I and we are older than you, been through this stuff, and are advicing from experience.
Guys are not like girls, they change thier girls like the wind does.
I dont know what you want. I know its hard.
But what is more important to you. Your attraction or your self-respect.
You have two scenrairos:
1) Succumb to your attrcation, become gf of this guy, get a lot of attention and love for 1-2 years, then get dumped. End result--You will feel USED.
2) Avoid/resist your present attraction-Work on distancing yourelf-focus on career, own friends, diversions hence *avoid being used. *
1-2 Years down the line, have high sense of dignity, self-respect, and satisfaction of making the right choice. done well academically, no regrets, parents are happy and proud.
So Alvena, I give you the choice to choose your destiny.
Either go for the:
1) = short-term happy option, but that which pays long-term consequecnes.
2) = short-term slightly unhappy option, but that which pays the long-term happiness.
Alvena, and the thing is, You never know, forget the relation and focus on your studies for now, let the guy also do the same, maybe after 2 years, if Allah wills this guy may become more maturer, realise what he wants in life and come back to you for a serious proposal/commitment.
Alvena, you must realise these matters are in Gods hands. If he is destined for you you will get him, no matter what you do or dont do now, or what he does or doesnt do right now.
Alvena its not at all healthy for you to remain around him for the present because:
1) You still have some feelings, and get influenced by him.
2) He also has feelins and tries to take advantage of yours- (in other words he doesnt spare you any mercy, especially when he sees weaknesses)
And Alvena, he has told you not once but many times before he is inclined towards you but does not want the halal relation, and until he does, its in your best interest to maintain the distance from him, dont you get this.
you can maintain distance by:
1) cutting out unnesecery/recreational/leisure interaction with him.
2) In times of neccesary and unavoideble interaction, remaining rational and most importantly within 'friend/colleague boundaries.
Since X is not showing respect, I suggest X needs ot be dealthy with upfrontly.
So Make clear point no.2 with him.
I.E convey to him you do not appreciate his tricking and extra friendly gestures.
So Show him you are a girl of **SELF-RESPECT, **who is not going to entertain advances from a guy who is looking for haram.
Maintain this distance and make him suffer, if thats how it is, until he is willing to be responsible and go about it the right way.
This is all I can really advice Alvena. Last thing is whenever you feel inclined towards him or his tricks. Justs remember is your Self-Respect or feelings more important.
Allah rewards the patient. And he especially loves those who sacrifice and protects thier chasitity for his sake.
I spent an hour writing this, so hope it has some effect.
B4 going I must also say you made a big mistake in asking him if he saw any pretty girls.
You conveyed to him you still like him, of which he will not spare taking advnatge of.
He dont care whether relation his haram or halal just remember that.
shame on being a medical student
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
Hey everyone
Thanks for your posts and especially amir.
So today has been an eventful day.....Im a bit messed up at the moment.
So yesterday, we ended up going to a different city and not london X didnt come and i had a really good time.....we came back late and while walking into my block i bumped into him and he was like hey u have a good time........he looked REALLY depressed...
anyway i went to bed not thinking about it too much, i woke up this morning .....had 6 missed calls from him....he called again and i picked up.....he was crying and asked if we could talk....so i said ok and went over to his.
I went in and he started crying, through his tears and our conversation which was 3 ours long...he basically said
He is really depressed and really lonely and thinks he made a stupid decision and he wishes i was there for him as a friends because he needs me right now....he is totally alone and really miserble.
I explained to him...he made a choice and now he has to live the results of it, i wont be there for him like i was because things are different now. I said i dont want to be a gf without the committmet. He then said oh yeah i get you, and its good your moving on.
He then said he has even consdered taking his own life.............he feels so depressed and the only thing that keeps him going is seeing me happy.
He said that the reason he ended things with me is because he felt he treated me badly, used me, played with my head and generally i could do soo much better, i then said....VERY STUDPIDLY.......why dont we give it another go.
He then started really crying hard saying he would love to but he cant do that to me, and no matter how miserable he is, he cant deal with the guilt of being with me, because im so much better than him and he feels he failed in the whole relationship.
I then tried to calm him down and say ok look i will be here as a friend but you have no control over my life you have lost those rights.
He sad he understood all that and hates it but ok...but he carried on crying and saying how he hates his life, and he made a stupid decision but he cant have me back because im so much better off without him.
I then started crying because i was so hurt by seeing him like this....he said he expected things to be different like we would be best buddies...i said no way, i need to concentrate on my own life, he made his decision because he couldnt be bothered with me so he should suffer the consequences.
Anyway our convo went round and round in circles.
In the end i told him i still love him...which i now seriously regret, but i thought thats the only way to make him feel better.
I regret it because....he didnt say it back or say it to me once at all, and i just make myself look vunerable.
But i walked out his room and left him crying on his bed......i feel so bad....i dont know what to do!
He doesnt want me back he made that very clear, and i dont want him back if he is sooooooo messed up and emotional.
But i still really care about him and its just left me feeing really deflated and horrible.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
He needs a flipping Oscar! Serioulsy luv, allow him.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
what a twat
it took me about 1 second to type the above. Just thought I'd give you a running account.
Alvena,, thats quite a dvelopment you narrated...
While I understand and respect this guys feelins, and its made everythinga whole lot clear how he came clean.
I am pleased at the way, at how you dealt with, him in a supprotive but still very assertive way. You put him damn stright girl, that al this is happening because of him and not you, and you are not at his liberty to do as and when he pleases with,
Remember YOU must STILL alt all times, act RATIONALLY. I think this is your best defense and offense. Be aware and know what you are saying and doing at all times. He has now succumbed to his emotional side where one can do/say things that they after regret. BUT not you.
You can say what you feel is relevant to the situation, but dont loose awareness of what your saying and your behaviour.
I think all he needs right now is your affection, he would be made extremly happy witha hug or so....but you cant hug him as a girl....especially after he himself broke that kind of relation.
Have you forgot, how much HIS RATIONALESS and ASSERTIVENESS made you cry?
I advise you as a friend you can help him and go to his room if neecesssary, but not alone, take an accomplice....
Right now he needs that affcetion and baby-love, desperatly and looking for it form you---Dont succumb to this.
Becareful the guy is emotional, and he could do anything, dont you remember the way he tried touching you before.
Ok its clear he really feel for you....and you also do somwhat for him.
But you have to draw the line Alvena.
you can make it clear, but less a needy way, that he can have you back but it has to be a proper relation.
and you alsotold him earlier that you can over-look his financial shortcomings.
So life is not being unfair to him.
and the wy he keeps harping on, hes not capable for you. I mean what is all this wussyness?
Unless he has a health or bodily deformity i dont think this is such a good excuse.
Are you both pakistani though?
anyway-
Like i said earlier he is in a very vulnerbale and unpredictable state, so if you are going to go to him take somone with you but be fair to both yourself and him in your words and actions.
Dont forget how this guy made you weep for hours, remain assertive the same way you did last time.
Just for precautionary reasons you could tell his close friends or staff he is feeling suicidal.
im going now might b back later.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
*The person who editted my post without my permission smells very badly of poo. *
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
Hi amir, thankyou so much for your support in this, i truly appreciate it.
We are both pakistani yes, he is a normal guy, average looking and average build!
I dont know why he suddenly has all these self esteem issues....
I have told him to get help if he is feeling reallly bad and i think he has booked an appointment with student welfare.
Yeah i think next time ill take a friend with me, its a good idea.....because he is emotionally unstable and i dont know what he is going to do next.
Thanks again everyone, i truly appreciate all the support.:)
*The person who editted my post without my permission smells very badly of poo. *
which post?
Your welcome.
Though I think this might be a control issue. He cant make you do what he wants you to do no more and its killing him.
I could understand if you broke the relation and he missed you but this isnt the case which shows hes really messed up.
Alvena, it will be interesting to see how things play out in the next coming days. I do think it was a mistake for you to tell him that you still love him......because I think that's what he wanted to hear from you in the first place......even if he himself doesn't love you back. Unfair isn't it?
Often times (not all the time)....but often times.....when a girl is the first to tell a guy that she loves him.....things can become pretty awkward between the two. The guy can freak out and start avoiding her. So......I'm wondering if your X will now start to avoid you because you've confessed the "L" word to him. IF he does end up avoiding you.....then it makes your job easier because he'll be removing himself from your path. At the same time....such behavior indicates fickle character on his part....and only confirms that you should persist in moving on with your life.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
Hey everyone!
Ok so since i last posted basically....for the past few days....he is begging me....i mean literally down on his knees asking for me back....and he is really pressurising me and emotionally blackmailing me...saying he will be alone and depressed without me.
Arghhh i dont want him back you know. I like me new independent free life, but i dont him being all depressed either!
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
if he wants u back so badly tell him to work to get u and show complete commitment by gettin his family to approach yours
end of and allow no other way around it!
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
oh okay wait u DONTwant him back.. wow the situation really managed to turn around, first u upset now him.... if u dont want him then i guess he's missed his chance
Hey everyone!
Ok so since i last posted basically....for the past few days....he is begging me....i mean literally down on his knees asking for me back....and he is really pressurising me and emotionally blackmailing me...saying he will be alone and depressed without me.
Arghhh i dont want him back you know. I like me new independent free life, but i dont him being all depressed either!
Crying is not the mature way to show someone that you want them back. Shedding a few tears does not prove that the person will actually be respectfully committed in the future.
If he TRULY wants you.........he needs to act calm mature......and SHOW you through CONCRETE ways that he does indeed care about you and love you. And the STRONGEST INDICATION would be for him to propose respectfully.......not to lead you on like he did before....not to say that you weren't attractive enough like he did before.......not to drop you like hot potato whenever he feels like it as he did before.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
Don't fall for the tears, Alvena. I know that you're a sensitive person and seeing him cry is likely to soften you. But you need to be strong.
A person can't drop you.....and then only days later.....decide to pick you up again. Such behavior doesn't not prove anything other than the fact that the person is not sure of what he wants.
You want to be with a guy who is stable and mature and knows what he wants right? Well.....these qualities don't develop in a matter of days, hon. They take time. So......my advice is that you continue being the strong girl that you are and focus on yourself and figure out what you want in your life.
In spite of your X's crying.......even HE needs a break to sort out his feelings and decide what path he wants to follow in his life. This break will help him learn more about himself and hopefully in the process he'll become more mature and more capable of handling relationships.
If this guy is destined for you........Allah will make it happen.......so let him become mature for that. If he's destined to be with you........let him feel the pride and dignity of winning you over with sincerity and maturity like a man.........and not through shame and tears and desperation like a little boy.
And if he's not destined for you........Allah will give you someone even better. But a break is a must for the both of you. Continue being polite but not too attached to him.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
Ok everyone i have made my decision I DONT WANT HIM BACK.
Even if he proposes nicely, i dont want him back because some time away from him has taught me, i want to enjoy my youth too and i loved reconnected with my friends, i can do so much better and i am rediscovering myself and im loving it.
The thing is he is acting like all is normal....last night i got a good night text, this moring woke up to two lovey dovey messages. Few of us friends went to the cinema and he made sure he sat right next to me...
Just now...' i miss you so much, i am so lonely without you, i have no one but you...please dont leave me'
oh how the tables have turned!
I want to break things off with him with a clean cut, but im really worried he will get depressed and lonely and really sad, and i dont want to see him like that either.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
Alvi
U go girl!!! You Rock.
Thats what u call a hard chick.
Di u forget how he ignored u and made u cry all that time!
Give him some back for now so he learns not to do so again witha girl in future.
I fyou go back to him so easily now, he will again loose respect for u.
You are not a toy alvena.
Sy when he left you, that you killed yourself. We were al veyr worried for u here. And its makes us so happy now ur back in control and you got your rights back.
But if ur so worried about the boy. Tell hus friends/socialnetwork, common frineds he needs support.
and maybe u shud not totally break of support he needs, occasional politeness will do.
Whatever or however you speak to him, just dont give him the impression you need him.
GOODLUCK.
and i suggest u re-read rv 2 last posts again. they were spot on.
Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(
No i definately will not be taking him back, if i do i know i will regret it.
I think i just need to build up the balls to tell him that we are over for good.
Now its about chosing the right time...
We have an assessment next week, and after that its summer.
SO im thinking....he goes home for summer and is surrounded by family......its after the assessment so i can tell him gently then...but it wont be face to face which is very rude.
Or i tell him this week...but we both risk messing up our assessment!