hey,
something i have never really disclosed on here is that there has been a man in my life for the past 3 years, it isnt a full on realtionship, but we have always been there for eachother, we knew we had feelings for eachother and always some kind of loyality, we talked about telling our parents when the time was right and just hoping that it worked out, if it didnt that was just kismat.
We have always been good friends, sharing things and spending alot of time togther and things have always been happy stable and good.
My parents have started to try and look for rishtas for me, and i never objected because nothing very serious came up and that is also why i never told them about him and him about my rishtas, i was just waiting for the right time to avoid uncessessary heartache, i always thought if my parents found someone where there was nothing to say no to and they said no to him i would never object, my parents happiness is very important.
Also me and this guy have very different backgrounds and social staus and views and language so maybe we wouldnt have been perfect despite our feelings.
On friday he told me that he doesnt have feelings for me anymore.
I was devastated very hurt, he said its best if we just be friends and he has loved me but now its just care. He has suddenly noticed all the other women in the world, and maybe we got into this too quick too soon.
I have also had my own issues where i have been very busy and withdrawn, and stressed, and not spent much time with him, he hasnt really tried to help me but avoided me, i always assumed he was giving me space.
We study together, i dont know what to do! how to deal with it.
SHould i accept it, talk, cry, move on?
ahhh
Hi Alvena,
I've quoted your original post above and I've highlighted some of your thoughts that I feel are important and deserve attention.
You said that you and him had discussed telling parents about your interest in one another. I'm assuming he hasn't done this. And you mentioned that you haven't told him about the rishtas that you're getting. Is it possible that perhaps he got the vibe that you weren't interested in anything more than a friendship.....and therefore he backed off? Sometimes we assume things about others that are not correct. One thing you can try is to casually....VERY CASUALLY........mention that your parents are searching for you. If a guy is romantically interested in you and wants you to be his........NOTHING will stop him from making a move.
You said that you both come from different backgrounds and speak different languages.........but is he at least a Muslim? There are desi families that have come around to the idea of their children marrying out of culture......BUT according to Islam, the guy should be Muslim.
You said that on Friday he told you that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. Can you tell me what prompted him to say this to you? Did he just say it all of a sudden and out of the blue? Or did you both get into an argument that caused him to say that? Or did you discuss your feelings for him and that led him to give such a response?
You also said that you have been very stressed and "withdrawn" which is why you couldn't spend much time with him. It is possible that he assumed you were avoiding him and were not interested in him. As I said earlier, people can make incorrect assumptions. Is is possible that this assumption of his is what led him to tell you he doesn't have feelings for you anymore? I do feel that he could have.......at least as a FRIEND........checked up on you when you were stressed out. That is just common courtesy.
Alvena, I think that direct communication is very important between two people. It can clarify many misunderstandings so that you don't waste your time trying to "guess" what the other person is thinking. And there is no shame in discussing things with him. So here are some suggestions:
1) Tell him that you've been stressed for quite some time and that you're sorry you've been distant and that it had nothing to do with him. This will clear any misunderstandings that he might have of you deliberately avoiding him.
2) Tell him that "You recently said that you no longer have romantic feelings for me. You're not obligated to have feelings for me. I just wanted to know why and what changed......because it's not healthy to leave things hanging without clarification. And I wanted clarification so that I could move on without expectations because my parents are searching rishtas for me" (If you think you'll feel better by talking things out with him....then ask him this question).
3) Just listen to what he has to say. If he gives you a lame response.....then you're better off without him. If he tells you that he has found some other girl.....then as much as it hurts.......it's better for you to know this know than to be misled by him. If he tells you that he just lost romantic feelings over time.......then as much as it hurts.........realize that the right guy for you will always be in love with you no matter how many challenges are faced in life.
****You're mostly likely feeling hurt because you've been stressed for a long period and stress can take a toll on you. Plus, his confession of not having feelings for you came at a difficult time. And you're hurt because you're trying to process everything. Perhaps talking things out can provide some relief because you'll be able to get some concerns/questions out of your system......and you won't have to wonder "what if?" or "why?". And a discussion might give you an indication as to what kind of guy he is. It's bad enough that he didn't offer you support or check up on you when you were stressed. If he tells you that he isnt' interested.........move on, hon. It's easier said than done, but there is someone better out there waiting for you.
You said you both have to work together for a project. If this is making you uneasy, is there a way that you can get out of this and perhaps work with someone else? Or maybe you can split up the assignment duties in such a specific fashion that each of you can work on your part individually without working together. Know what I mean? For example, divide up the roles of the assignment. So you both know what you're doing. And you can do your parts of the project by yourself at home or in the library. And then the only other time you both will have to collaborate is when you're putting everything together. See, if you can work around the assignment.
**
Should you talk to him about it?** Yes, if you feel that you have questions you want answered and if you feel that it might help bring a bit of closure for you. ** Should you cry about it?** Crying can provide relief and it's natural to be hurt in this situation, so don't hold your tears back. Although if you don't feel like crying......then could it be because you don't like him as much as you thought you did? That's something to think about. Should you accept it? If he's not interested.....accept it.......and ALSO **accept that you deserve to be with someone who loves you and respects you. **Should you move on? Yes.......you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you........and you should **NEVER **settle for anything less than that!