I have a question for girls who were born/raised abroad but their in laws are from back home. Have you ever felt socially awkward with them? I am fine with people in general but I become very socially awkward among desi aunties. My parents invited some guests over a few months back for the rishta and I was tongue tied the entire time. I just didn’t know what to talk about or say and it was the most awkward brunch of my life. Now they are inviting some people over next weekend and I really don’t want to meet them but I have no choice. Does anyone have any tips for overcoming social awkwardness in such cases?
I understand the social awkwardness, as not only you are from different generation from them, but also somewhat different culture. But you need to work on that. The aunties' are usually from the age group where there personalities are more rigid than yours at your age. You be flexible, and you will find it very easy to mingle in their company.
why do you opting arranged marriage thingy? most modern desi girls born N raised in the west these days choose their own partner. if you are so uncomfortable just during the tea trolley parade, how do you plan to live with a bunch of desi older women in the form of your MIL, older SIL etc.
just break away and marry someone where you don't have to feel awkward. makes sense?
why do you opting arranged marriage thingy? most modern desi girls born N raised in the west these days choose their own partner. if you are so uncomfortable just during the tea trolley parade, how do you plan to live with a bunch of desi older women in the form of your MIL, older SIL etc.
just break away and marry someone where you don't have to feel awkward. makes sense?
Um okay...
So, let's say that OP decides to find a guy on her own (the love marriage route) as opposed to the arranged marriage route.......does this mean that she will never have to meet and greet and interact with the guy's mom and other "auntis" in his family and try her best to make a favorable impression on them? Nope. She'd still have to do it; there's no escaping it. And from where have you deduced that she will definitely "live with a bunch of desi older woman"....? Not every arranged rishta meeting results in the girl living with her in-laws. Not ever love marriage guarantees that the girl will live separately from her in-laws.
So, let's say that OP decides to find a guy on her own (the love marriage route) as opposed to the arranged marriage route.......does this mean that she will never have to deal/interact with the guy's mom and other "auntis" in his family? Nope. She'd still have to do it; there's no escaping it. And from where have you deduced that she will definitely "live with a bunch of desi older woman"....? Not every arranged rishta meeting results in the girl living with her in-laws. Not ever love marriage guarantees that the girl will live separately from her in-laws.
i suggested marry a white guy...convert him to Islam...earn sawaab on top...Islam does NOT prohibit women marrying a white guy if he converts.
don't families have mother, sisters? living doesn't mean sharing the same quarters...it it also means living in the same city and seeing each other frequently. they do interact.
white people are better when it comes to nit-picking.
I married someone of my choice, and it did not end well. I don't want to marry anyone right now but my parents are sooooooooo worried and they keep saying that I did my "marzi" once and now I should just go along with their plans for me. They are not inviting the guy next weekend but just his parents, older sister & her husband and kids. I was never a social butterfly to begin with and I am not even very talkative with my own khalas. I am sooooooooooo nervous about meeting these people and having to actually make conversation with them :(
i suggested marry a white guy...convert him to Islam...earn sawaab on top...Islam does NOT prohibit women marrying a white guy if he converts.
don't families have mother, sisters? living doesn't mean sharing the same quarters...it it also means living in the same city and seeing each other frequently. they do interact.
First of all, go and reread your previous post. Nowhere have you "clearly" suggested that she should marry a non-Desi guy, convert him to Islam, and earn some sawab. All you said was that she find a guy on her own and that advice gives no indication about race unless readers are expected to be mind readers. Breaking free and marrying of the guy you want will not permanently exempt you from dealing with aunties. And what is up with the caps locking NOT all the time...as though people doubt your personal beliefs and those in Islam.
I married someone of my choice, and it did not end well. I don't want to marry anyone right now but my parents are sooooooooo worried and they keep saying that I did my "marzi" once and now I should just go along with their plans for me. They are not inviting the guy next weekend but just his parents, older sister & her husband and kids. I was never a social butterfly to begin with and I am not even very talkative with my own khalas. I am sooooooooooo nervous about meeting these people and having to actually make conversation with them :(
What's there to be nervous about? You're not even interested in the guy or eager to be married. You have nothing to lose, nothing at stake. They may like you, they may not. That's not really in your control. Nor does it really matter. Just be friendly and try not to worry.
OP, was your mom raised in pakistan? If yes, then she is a "desi auntie " too, just think of the things your mom likes to talk about.
after reading your posts, I get the feeling you are more nervous because you feel you have to make the aunties like you, or you feel pressurised to make the rishta happen because your family is worried about you. Relax...
just be yourself, the aunties must know other girls your age too and so probably would have some understanding of the generation/ cultural gap.
there is no crash course for developing social skills, if you feel you are lacking in interaction with desis, try to improve it gradually, but for now just take it easy. :)
I married someone of my choice, and it did not end well. I don't want to marry anyone right now but my parents are sooooooooo worried and they keep saying that I did my "marzi" once and now I should just go along with their plans for me. They are not inviting the guy next weekend but just his parents, older sister & her husband and kids. I was never a social butterfly to begin with and I am not even very talkative with my own khalas. I am sooooooooooo nervous about meeting these people and having to actually make conversation with them :(
The only way to get over this is to stop thinking about them as "rishta people"
Pretend as if they're just friends of your moms visiting your home. When people come to your home for any reason, aren't you a good host? So just be a good host and do your best to make your guests feel comfortable. That's it. No more and no less.
And one more thing...if you're not sure about something...don't do it. If you feel awkward talking, then its fine to stay quiet. They're coming to meet your parents/family...not to chitchat or mingle with you. Being quiet in these scenarios is not looked upon as a bad thing.
Its a personality thing. just make effort. stop freaking out.
one should be able to simple make conversation with any human being unless one of the party is abusive or mentally handicapped in some way.
Don't pretend (with yourself) to make it more complicated than it actually is.
If they're rishta people you don't need to talk much. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't world but I don't think girls are expected to be a chatter box. What you should be more worried about is losing the opportunity to ask questions you're interested in. I think you should maybe latch onto the youngest member that isn't a child.
aunties will remain aunties so there is nothing much you can do there but for your comfort, take it as just another gathering instead of rishta gathering. If you are finding it hard to find topic of common interest, food and weather are always safe bet to get the ball rolling.
I guess I am just worried because I don't like talking about myself and these people ask too many questions. Desi aunties have a tendency to ask a lot of personal questions too. To top it off, my mom's exaggerated emotions are putting too much pressure on my brain. Yesterday she was telling me that if she dies before I get married then she may go to hell for leaving me behind kunwari.
I guess I am just worried because I don't like talking about myself and these people ask too many questions. Desi aunties have a tendency to ask a lot of personal questions too. To top it off, my mom's exaggerated emotions are putting too much pressure on my brain. Yesterday she was telling me that if she dies before I get married then she may go to hell for leaving me behind kunwari.
Don't let it get to you honestly. It's moreso a responsibility for your mom and she's just doing her duty as a mother to make sure you'll be okay when she's not around. The emotional blackmailing is a trademark of every desi woman.. lol, so you do have experience dealing with one in your home.
And honestly ask yourself if you are even ready for marriage. How much time has it been since your divorce and are you okay with moving ahead or do you need time?
I think a lot of people are so eager to begin another chapter of their life that they don't ever face those issues. Your parents look out for you but it's okay to sit them down and be honest with them. At the end they just want you to be happy. If you want this rishta to proceed forward then be open and honest with the guy's family about yourself and to him. I know it feels like an interview, been there done that, but it's just common in the initial stages when they are trying to get a handle on what type of person you are and if you will be compatible.
