welll...its a loooong story...
to cut it short...last winter i brok off wid my fiance(my first cousin-four yrs older than me) whom i was committed for four years...it was an arranged commitment between our parents...i was never happy from the very first day...n he was all into it...it went for four years...but as i grduated from uni...everyone started talking abt the wedding..n i knew i cnt marry him,my parents new i had issues but they always said hold on things will change...but nothing changed..or i cudnt adapt myself to it...so i told him i cant marry him...he made a big fuss out of it..taking it all to his ego...i dint mean anything bad for him...i really liked him as a frnd but was not attracted to him...we had different priorities in life..i wanted to study..work n make a career...he was against the professional education of women altogether so he said i cant do a job..this bugged me a lot...i always felt suffocated and limitng myself wen i was with him...i had dreams and passions which i knew i cudnt fulfill if i marry him...so i backed off...my parents supported me all along...they understand me well...but the family ties broke off...it was a great set back for me as i dint want this for both the families...first six months were horrible...i got worst acne break out...i was confused if i have made the right decision or not...scared i may not find a better match ever again...scared for kickin away the opportunity i had...i prayed n seekd forgiveness...i was so lost in myself i dint knw wat was going arnd me...my last year at uni was bad..i stopped interacting wid ppl...i managed to get good grades....but i lost so much confidence i cudnt respond back to ppl or listen wat they were talking abt..i was depressed...
now im sure wat i did was right n for the best of both of us..i pray for him as well...buut i cant come out of the dark hole i got pushed into wen i broke off...i dint knw it wud be this hard...i dnt long for him or want him back...NEVER..but i dun find a way to move on with my life...i have forgotten all the passions n dreams i had...i still cant talk to ppl properly...my acne has gotten better but im too impulsive with trating it...
i feel im under a loottt of pressure now...my family is trying to find a partner for me...i have begged my mom to wait for an year...and let me settle down...but she says everything will be alright...n i dunno HOW....n coz of the acne i have developed some complex abt myself...n i feel no one will ever marry me...
deep down i know im not like this...im way toooo better than wat ppl know of me rite now...i have good features..n everything....but i cant bring it out...im so lost with all the things im scared of....n im making things worse for myself...but cant help anything...i feel so helpless n hopeless ALL the timee...
im not sure if i have been able to express it properly..im soo CONFUSED....
hi LA, i know u said ur quite impulsive and cant stick to something but u really really need to stick to ur acne treatment in order for it to get better. i used to have really bad horrible acne when i was around 14. i hated myself and couldnt look in the mirror and i had to undergo treatment for ages to get rid of it and i had to stick to the daily regime in order for it to work and thankfully it finally cleared up. so pls dont give up with the treatment keep going and inshallah u will see good results soon. trust me once it clears up u will be confident about urself and ur appearance but u need to stick to the treatment and not be lazy about it. once it starts clearing up maybe u could have a whole makeover to make urself feel good and gain some self confidence. perhaps u can die ur hair or maybe have it cut in a different style.
another thing is u r still very young. ur only 22, u talk as if ur an old woman and there's no hope in hell of u getting married when thats simply not the case. u have time yet to find someone but first of all u should concentrate on urself and ur well being. u havent seen ur friends for a while so y dont u call a few of them up and arrange to go out for lunch/dinner with them and catch up? it will make u feel better to get out there and see ur friends and talk and laugh.
LostAngel, maybe your carrying 'guilt'. You have to accept that you have the right to say no to a marriage, and you did, your family supports you.
There are thousands of such cases in pakistan, where cousins dont like eachother, and engagements break off, families cut off ties etc. So dont take this to heart. Its part of being pakistani.
Second, with new year and all, make a new years resolution of getting help for your acne. Because how i see it is, your punishing yourself of not getting rid of your acne. You should stop feeling guilty for rejecting your cousin. Islam has given you that right, so im sure there is nothing wrong in it.
And your still young, you will inshallah find a man who will love you for you and will not stop you having a career.
thanks a lot everyone for all the support....i know im still so young...but i dnt really count it in...im focused so much on all the negative things in my life...
i dunno if its guilt...or wat it is i just cant figure it out...im loosing myself...
im finding it sooo hard to do anything abt my life...i have lost all hope n motivation for life...im just dragging myself along n let things happen to me...i was passionate n i had plans...but looks like i have failed myself...i have come down to my lowest point n i dunt feel like starting it all over again....i have gained weight....my skin is messy....i cant think clearly...im numb all the time...indiffernt to wats hapeening arnd me or TO me..i have just graduated n i have a nice job...but im not happyyy...i have lost all my frnds...n im findin it hard to move on...
Have you tried the real path i.e Allah's path?
Over time I have found that people get frustrated mostly because they can't achieve all the material milestones or they think that they are left out because they cant keep it up to the pace of society which is sometimes good thing.
thanks a lot everyone for all the support....i know im still so young...but i dnt really count it in...im focused so much on all the negative things in my life...
i dunno if its guilt...or wat it is i just cant figure it out...im loosing myself...
LostAngel, read the story of Yousaf alaisalaam.
Please talk to your mother about your feelings. Ask her if they can wait till you get rid of all the acne, and then look for rishtey. I know its really hard if you are in the rishta process, you want to look pretty and all. So explain this to your mother, im sure she'll understand.