Gosh what a mess. Even when things aren't so bad, they're a mess. Maybe the "drilling" (which is a rather forceful way of doing something) is the problem. People tend to be less open to communication..let alone reflecting over their mistakes if you're going to approach the manner in a forceful way. Admit your mistakes when you realize you're wrong....people sometimes learn by example. Tell him what bothered and you ask him to reflect over his actions/words. Maybe call them actions/comments instead of using the word mistakes. I dunno.
Can you take a walk in your neighborhood? If so, that's a way to get out. Maybe invite his sister to join you. How many times can you go shopping before you get bored with that? You could try mixing it up....maybe if you sometimes take MIL with you...she'll be more open to you guys going out together on your own at times.
WHY does he think that his mother will offended if you both go out alone? Is it because he's afraid that his mother will feel ignored/left out..that you're taking him away from her? If that's the root cause....then try tackling that. Try to bond with her...show her that you're not trying to steal him...that it's not a competition for you...appease the fear and maybe she'll be more open to it. It might even calm your husbands fears and make him more open to it. Talk to him and discuss the importance of going out and spending time together. Maybe you both can plan to have a few days each month where you go out alone together....like a date night. You could start with smaller steps.
Maybe it's easier said than done. But if your mom sees your existence in his life as competition....you're not helping the situation with the attitude that you want him all to yourself at all times (and you've admitted to that in previous threads). You're just making the same mistake as her.
Nadz if you go back the UK you make this issue between you both bigger. It's harder to talk things through when you are apart. Talk things through calmly and then proceed from there. Don't run to the embassy like some are suggesting
If you feel your MIL will mind when you two go out - then take her with you! Maybe she's lonely herself. This way neither you or your Husband will feel guilty and you'll still get to enjoy going out!
How long has your husband been unemployed for? What does he do in his free time? Is he at home all day with you guys? Anyway, if he has free time tell him to do further studies in something eg Masters online from UK etc - maybe it will increase his chances of getting a job, Inshallah.
My friend lives in PK (born/ breed in UK) would return to UK during each of her pregnancies, have baby, once baby was 5-6 months she collected their passports, got all their immunisations done and went back to PK! She is happy there, Mashallah and I get amazed how she has adjusted there but I know it has a lot to do with her supportive Husband. He really is amazing, Mashallah and I am still stunned b/c I am very close to her yet she has never complained about living there. Her parents tried so hard to talk her out of it but she went at her own wish, Mashallah. Anyway, her Husband made sure that the kids got their British passports for so many reasons! Her Husband wants to move to UK one day, Inshallah (as Husband's side is mostly all there and more are moving back to UK) but they know realistically that the lifestyle is tough in UK and that they'd both need to be working in order to pay for the high morgage rates etc. Anyway, to increase her chances of getting a job she is studying again online from a university in UK. When her youngest is school-going they plan to go to UK as she'll be able to support her Hubby by working aswell. I'm just telling you this to give you an idea...maybe some sort of hope for you maybe. If you want I can give you her number via PM and you can talk to her and ask her how she has adjusted in Pakistan - because Mashallah she really is happy! Maybe it will be good for you to talk with someone else who is from there. She just gets out and drives wherever she wants! Lol. Otherwise I don't know anyone else from UK who has settled there except her.
Here is some sincere advice because I think that is what you looking for here ... Perhaps you are only trying to vent your frustrations here and you will go back to the same old routines ... If you want to be happy then making a change is as important as making a positive change ... You need to start being smart ... You need to help your husband look for a job and no longer hamper him about getting a job ... but instead help him find one ... You have access to the net and hence a computer you can do lots for him in this capacity ... I understand that you have a child and another on the way ... Talk to him ... talk him about your plans for your kids and get him involved in those plans ... women are so good at getting their way simply by talking to their husbands ... so you need to start to use this technique ...
Agree with your husband and let your in-laws find out that Once a week you go out together make that a routine - people get used to routine ... Before going out do something for your saas that will make her happy this will minimise the chances of her being upset when you return back ....
Create a position for yourself in the family structure that is more than "just the bahoo" - you need to be given some authority to deal with some affairs. You will not be treated like a child and no one will sympathise for you like they sympathise for their own daughters - so step up to the mark - if they treat you like a soldier then become a soldier and manage them - make them respect you through your maturity and don't rely on them to baby you ... Become prepared to handle stuff and make your husband do things ... they won't complain because you will be running the show ... slowly ... it is vital that it is slow and undetectable you need to develop your sphere of influence in to the friends of your hubby's family and neighbours etc ... never push around the sister-in-law that will be a bad move ... always treat her kindly and train her with genuine love - busy yourself in her things and help her out often she will fall in love with you ... use your English as a weapon for "raub" and position yourself to become the mouthpiece of the family ...
Guys Guys... the problem isn't THAT big. She doesn't need to seperate or divorce or leave her husband. Stop giving her this advice. She admits that some of the problem is her created. Why can't people see that the guy is nice... Nadz does love her husband. She has defended him in many previous threads. Things happen between husband and wife. Sometimes we do make mistakes and we do realize that it was a mistake. Don't give her this crappy advice of leaving him. She needs to work on her relationship with him. MA she is a mother and she doesn't need to be going through seperation or divorce. Her problem isn't even that big. She just tends to report everything here which makes us thing Oh wow she is always fighting with him. Reality is, every husband and wife argue and sometimes arguments get out of control. We don't leave each other.. SIGH!
Sometimes taking a break is good for a relationship. Spouses have argument sometimes but not like the episode she described here or issues in her other posts.
Just like in western culture people are too quick to get divorced, in our culture people stay too long in an abusive relation . There should be a balance and if it comes to hitting one another the best thing is to take a break. She needs to work on herself and her issues and he needs to work on his. Only after that they will be ready to work on their relationship.
You shouldn't have married him in the first place. The man who hits at woman in my eyes is a complete twat and a Grade A prick. Better find a new man who is respectable and leave that pure filth :)
You shouldn't have married him in the first place. The man who hits at woman in my eyes is a complete twat and a Grade A prick. Better find a new man who is respectable and leave that pure filth :)
Here is some sincere advice because I think that is what you looking for here ... Perhaps you are only trying to vent your frustrations here and you will go back to the same old routines ... If you want to be happy then making a change is as important as making a positive change ... You need to start being smart ... You need to help your husband look for a job and no longer hamper him about getting a job ... but instead help him find one ... You have access to the net and hence a computer you can do lots for him in this capacity ... I understand that you have a child and another on the way ... Talk to him ... talk him about your plans for your kids and get him involved in those plans ... women are so good at getting their way simply by talking to their husbands ... so you need to start to use this technique ...
Agree with your husband and let your in-laws find out that Once a week you go out together make that a routine - people get used to routine ... Before going out do something for your saas that will make her happy this will minimise the chances of her being upset when you return back ....
Create a position for yourself in the family structure that is more than "just the bahoo" - you need to be given some authority to deal with some affairs. You will not be treated like a child and no one will sympathise for you like they sympathise for their own daughters - so step up to the mark - if they treat you like a soldier then become a soldier and manage them - make them respect you through your maturity and don't rely on them to baby you ... Become prepared to handle stuff and make your husband do things ... they won't complain because you will be running the show ... slowly ... it is vital that it is slow and undetectable you need to develop your sphere of influence in to the friends of your hubby's family and neighbours etc ... never push around the sister-in-law that will be a bad move ... always treat her kindly and train her with genuine love - busy yourself in her things and help her out often she will fall in love with you ... use your English as a weapon for "raub" and position yourself to become the mouthpiece of the family ...
he is frustrated only because he is not on his job!! and when men knwo they are not doing a job, they think, kahin mairay ghar bethne se mairee biwi mairee izzat main kami na karna shuru karday.. so they become over protective and start reacting like "so what if i am not doing a job, i am a man, and i should be respected.."
isay kehtay hain "khaffat mitana" from inside, he seems very much insecure.. so apni mardangi jhaarnay ke liye.. apnay aapko dominant rakhnay ke liye, he is over reactiing!! thats it!
in your case... i think the major problem is... He is not on his job... as soon as he gets one.. i THINK.. 60 to 70% of your problems should be resolved!
vese b if man stays at home 24/7 us ka vese he dil kerta hai kese se larie kii jiee jst for no reasonnnn.... :@: jst help him n find him som reasonable job ... sarai issues automatically solve ho jie gainnn .
