Snoopy Parents

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
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Re: Snoopy Parents

you nailed it lady.

Parents have to understand that children deserve privacy and they should be reminded that their privacy is being respected. If you are going through their stuff, well you are just making them hate you. until 10 it make sense to go through stuff. .but after that. .it wrong. must refrain, they will remember it for rest of their life's ..

well my dad/mom always go through my school related stuff, but they never touch anything else in my room.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

my mom still snoops around my stuff when she thinks im not around/not looking. (im 25).
I used to hate her for doing it, now i just understand she cant help NOT looking. Years of snooping have come to a head, but she took it to another level, asking my roommate/friends what i was upto, whether i had failed/passed a particular test. Basically she has trust issues and I just keep everything to myself now. And think a LOT before bringing something home that she's gonna find suspicious.
Totally agree with sgc, parents overreact to whatever they find, I once locked my luggage and refused to open it for her, and she couldn't take it and screamed at me for doing it.
I could go on and on and on about this.

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I hope mine weren’t not that I had anything to hide :chai:

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hmm, some parents I think are too overprotective which manifests itself in behaviour like the snooping you talk about. It’s not uncommon for mums to treat 25 year olds like babies (:hinna:) at times but it does seem your mum has some deep rooted issues.

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^yes insecurity and the like. She's still my mom, but I've realized I can't share anything fun with her.

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For those of you who say no, I don't completely agree because sometimes your child could land up in a negative situation without being aware if it. Something as simple as a "chain" email that comes from a known pal on the list can emotionally be haunting her, or something you don't want your child to be exposed to sooner than you'd like.

My daughter is 8 and she knows that mom is her best friend and will always help her, never criticize her or make her feel bad. She also knows that until she is responsible and old enough to, I will always monitor her activities.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

The reason why I would snoop around my kids’ stuff
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/480994-help-please.html

(for those who don’t want to read–22 year old dude perving on a 14 year old girl. Somebody’s legs and other things gon get broken!)

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Re: Snoopy Parents

Your mum sounds like mine.. Before I got a new lock fitted to my bedroom door (she had a spare key for the old one) I had to resort to keeping my ‘sensitive’ stuff in my car boot lol.. She never understood that the more she kept sneaking thru my things the more determined I would be to keep her out of my business, I felt I couldn’t trust her at all or confide in her the way other girls did with their mothers.. I also remember when my friends would ring me at home she’d often pick up the phone in another room and try and listen in (or not put down the one she had answered the call on) :mad: The one thing she did stop doing quite early on was opening my mail so could have been worse I guess.. I have a male (desi) friend whose mum still opens his letters and he’s in his late twenties.. To those who are saying it’s ok to snoop as u’d know if ur child is going thru a hard time I really don’t think that justifies reading his/her diary on a regular basis (if the kid is in secondary school or older), prob u’d be able to tell if they were troubled thru a change in their behaviour and THEN u could go further by looking thru their things for clues to what may or may not have happened.. I do think it’s more than likely ur child will notice u’ve done it if u keep snooping thru their things and prob not trust or open to u the way they might otherwise have done.. As has already been mentioned a lot of parents tend to overreact anyway (I used to hear about desi girls being threatened they’d be shipped off ‘back home’ to get married when their parents read about them fancying white boys at school :smack:).. (Can’t split into paragraphs :()

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Re: Snoopy Parents

Nik i understand your concern, when we were in our childhoods internet, cell phone & media wasn't part of our life at this scale. Now their are hundreds of different medium's are available for child to have contact with outside world.

I would cite one example, game stations - on ps3, xbox or wii you can have profiles, a/v chat ...and parents just thought they are playing games. Moral values & brought up environment specially education and once in few month father/mother/child talk about such issues that you can't allow someone to touch you or changes in the body. etc..etc.. it's a whole subject.

Desi parents tend to leave technology behind when they are snooping, they have to change their ways for example, child want email account sure you can have it but with parental controls .. Child want cell phone sure but with wireless limits (nearly all carriers provide it).. same can go for any other new invention. Living in west has definitely more exposure to sick people but they also have better laws & rules.

The most beautiful thing a parent can do for his children is becoming their friend.

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I agree with that to some extent...as an adult, yes, you can become freinds and maybe as children too...but in those middle years, as teenagers, its quite tough to be a friend AND a good parent.

I read this somewhere, that if ure child doesn't hate you at some point (well not REALLY hate but angry), then you're not doing your job as a parent.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

Deeba, Totally get the phone part, arghh!! She also snopped through my email and instant messaging stuff (with my younger brother's help) when i came back home for holidays.
They seldom have a rational response to whatever they find. And yeah, she always said that she wanted me to share everything with her and be really close friends, but then she proceeded to isolate me from developing any other stable relationships.
Its not a surprise i rebelled when i found out the things i was innocently sharing with her, I would be taunted about later on and i felt my confidence in her had shaken, also divulging your kid's secrets to anyone else, especially when the people you're telling are likely to bring that topic up in front of the child, or when the parent tells the child that they discussed what YOU told the parent in complete confidentiality with with their friend, and then their take on the matter, is just ridiculous and IS going to alienate the kid/teen.

Phew! As I said I could go on and on about parental paranoia.
(

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Re: Snoopy Parents

i think its fantastic that you have this relationship with your daughter, but tween/teen girls and boys are a whole another story. you might find yourself changing and responding differently to situations as she grows up, and she might react differently from how she does now, and most likely will as she realises her own space and establishes her boundaries as a person. monitoring activities is of course something you do as a parent of an under 10 or under 12 even, but when they're 15/16/17, they do deserve their own space and independence to an extent, don't you think? isn't that how rebellions start because parents refuse to acknowledge that their kids are growing up and are capable of making their own decisions, and don't always feel the need to share everything with their parents and that's ok?

personally speaking, all the snooping my mother did when i was a teenager/in my early 20's, completely turned me away from wanting to confide in her or have any sort of relationship with her that was positive and productive. i just shut down even more and withdrew. i'm sure my mother thought she had her reasons for doing what she did, but that did not make her right or the things that she did acceptable. now, of course, many years later, our relationship is AH rock solid. i can confide in her and my dad now, and i'm very grateful for that, and i've realised that parents are only human and they make mistakes too. i thank God all the time for having reached this point instead of completely shuttng them out of my life, as a sibling ended up doing to all of us.

my point is, if my parents had opted to speak to me about their suspicions instead of just helping themselves to my privacy, things would have turned out way differently. when everyone accuses you of doing something often enough, you get to a point where you end up doing those things just to prove them right. that's messed up and a parent's worse nightmare, imo. so, again, no. i wouldn't invade their privacy.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

I agree.

I wouldn't do it cosntantly, but if I felt like there was a reason to, I would.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

:k:

I would rather be snoopy and make sure my kids are safe than keep a distance to let them have their ‘space’. Times have changed drastically and peer pressure and societal pressure can really mess up kids these days. It’s extremely important to know what your kids are up to at ALL times. Better be safe than sorry!

Also, I’ve heard of countless stories where the parents ‘trusted’ their kids and did not keep tabs on what they were up to. Well, in most cases, the kids were up to no good and landed in situations that they regret till this day. Who cares if your kid gets annoyed at you? Kids get tempted to do bad things. It’s a fact unless your kid is extremely simple which is hardly the case these days.

It’s your duty as a parent to make sure they stay out of negative situations. I don’t buy this ‘let the kid learn for themselves’ approach. I would like to intervene BEFORE they decide to try a recreational drug, or talk to a stranger online or start dating someone who is clearly not a good influence on them. These situations lead you to a lifetime of regret and parents have a right to snoop around and make sure their kids are protected from such menaces of society. Heck I snoop around my 17 yr old sister’s stuff all the time and she knows it. I watch over her like a hawk yet we’re still best friends. She has learned to accept my snoopiness! :smiley:

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Re: Snoopy Parents

^ but giving them their privacy doesn't mean you DON'T talk to them and keep up with their lives and their interests- it just means you respect their space and don't go snooping through their personal belongings and reading their diaries. why is it always one extreme or the other? at the end of the day, you are their parent, not the other way around. you can't stop parenting because your kids are teens and would like some personal space, and neither can you constantly be in their faces and refuse to let them take a single step on their own because they might do something wrong.

if kids are really determined to smoke pot or try cigarettes or have a drink, they're going to do it. i would rather have them be able to speak to me about it and hear my opinions on the practices than alienate them by going through their stuff and creating a negative environment at home. if you don't trust your kids, they're not going to trust you. its as simple as that.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

I never gave my parents a reason to snoop, or even gave the 'vibe' where a parent where would start thinking that the child is upto something. Plus I don't call my mum's surprise sorting out of our wardrobe, coming in our room to pick up laundry, fixing the curtians, opening the windows or getting a particular jewellery or lotion as snooping. :D

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Re: Snoopy Parents

Nobody is talking about extremes here. We just said that it's good to keep an eye on what your kid is up to at ALL times because you never know when they will slip and fall to peer pressure. Just because you need to know what they're up to at all time doesn't mean you're in their face. I know exactly where my sister is up to and who she is texting. I am not in her face but I still keep tabs on her because I know she is a young girl who can get influenced by attention from boys. I don't control her every move but she knows that I always know what she is up to. She still goes out to movies or lunch with her friends. I just make sure all the people she is going with are girls that my parents or I personally know.

And if kids do smoke or drink or sleep with someone, they will never come to you because they KNOW you will be upset and angry. I think it's silly to think that your kid will come to you after doing something like that to discuss the aftermath. Usually it's too late. Also, teenagers have raging hormones and get involved with members of the opposite sex at such a young age and might end up committing acts that they will regret for the rest of of our lives.

You might have been very protective of your space and that's fine. But I was never that adamant about my personal space. My mom always checked up on me and my brother and we were ok with that. I check up on my sister and she is ok with it as well. She doesn't alienate me because I pick up her phone and go through her text messages or if I check her email. It never created a negative environment in our house. My mom has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. In fact there were times when I was a teenager where I was tempted to do things but fortunately never got a chance to because my mom kept tabs on me.

Honestly, how much 'privacy' do teenagers need?! If they're that adamant about their privacy, they usually have something to hide. Yes I might come across as a super nosy invasive person but if this protects my kids/younger siblings from trouble then so be it! They are my responsibility and it's my duty to prevent trouble before it happens.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

^ what you wish to achieve by reading their emails and texts, i think i would much prefer be achieved by conversation and discussion. i've been around enough teens to know those determined to do something will find a way to do it- they'll just be better at hiding it if they know you're keeping an eye on them... but maybe if we keep talking about it at home, it might give them some food for thought before acting on their impulses.

the goal is to hopefully create an environment where they can come to you before, or after, they've done whatever it is they've done... and establishing trust is a great reinforcer of good behaviour, imho.

as for your question, how much privacy do teens need and obvs if they need it, they're hiding something-- wel, that assumption of guilty until proven innocent never sat well with me- esp as I *wasn't *the kind of kid who would have been easily influenced, until i realised my parents didn't care to change their opinion regardless of the fact that they had no reasons to behave the way they did. so then yes, i reached a point where it was just easier to go ahead and give in to whatever it was i wanted to do since they'd already assumed i was guilty to begin with. its that kind of behaviour borne out of sheer frustration that has me so against snooping and so protective of privacy. if only they'd wanted to talk about it openly, things could have gone very differently. i sincerely hope not to go down that same route with my teens one day. it caused a lot of grief for both my parents and myself.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

^ There is a gross assumption on your part regarding my posts. When I talk about snooping, I don't mean an 'us v. them' approach. Just because you do the occasional snooping doesn't mean you have this extremely awkward relationship with your kids where you don't discuss any issues. You can be great friends with your kids AND snoop through their stuff.

Of course as parents, you let your teenager know: no drugs, no drinking, no dating but the reality can be different if you give your kids too much space and fail to do the occasional mandatory snooping! The reality is that teenagers aren't angels, they ARE naive and DO fall to peer pressure. Not saying that all kids will get themselves into trouble but like I said before, better be safe than sorry! As a parent, you have a right to know what your kid is up to at all times. Again, that doesn't mean hovering over them 24/7 but you need to watch over them to make sure they are on the right track.

However, if the parents fail to establish a friendly relationship with their kids and just convince themselves that their kid is up to no good, meanwhile snooping through their stuff, then obviously the kid will feel annoyed. That itself is a huge communication gap.

But where the parents and the children already are really close to each other, where the kids already look to their mother as their best friend or even a reliable confidante and to their dad as a respectable authoritarian figure, then they won't mind if their parents ask them a lot of questions before they go out. They also won't mind if the parents look through their texts. A trusting relationship has already been established where the kids KNOW that the parents have their best interests in mind. Sure, the kids might get annoyed occasionally but for the most part there is no reason for a World War 3 to break out if the parent goes through the kid's stuff.

I think we have all been around enough teens. Our opinions are based on what we have personally experienced in life. I think kids who are really close to their parents fare the best. Firstly, they are able to confide in their parents and secondly even when their parents demand answers or look through their stuff, they don't feel that their life has been violated.

Anyways without prolonging this issue further, let's just agree to disagree.

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Re: Snoopy Parents

Interesting debate!

One question for you guys, dont u think it matters WHEN you start "snooping"?

I can only draw on my own experiences growing up, that if my mother had been searching my stuff at 13/14 instead of at 18/19, I think ALOT of things would have been very different.
IMO after a few years of being up to no good or whatever, sometimes things are so far gone that snooping around isn't going to lead to anything good.