4 years + relationship, 1st year awesome, 2nd year = horrible (problems from his side), third year = almost horrible,
4th year = things are better from his side, he changed his habits but still a stubborn, egoistic man who thinks he is always right, and whats certain things his way when in return he does not want on him as he “isnt doing anything wrong”
Both the families know about this from the very beginning, he has my mother, my mother and I have met his older sister
Problem #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) - My mother has been on my case along with some friends that why is his mother not contacting mine. She doesn’t want a shadi type scene just yet but other rishtas are coming and shes like “main filhaal sabko mana karti jarahi hon but kab tak karoon gi”. She wants a baat pakki for now until he settles down. He says his mother wants to wait till his graduation which is in a few months - he is graduating almost 2 years late.
Problem #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) - my father also knows about this but my mother told him that he switched out of engineering into another major which obviously according to my typical dad isn’t good enough. My dad was not happy with this but he also left my mother and I confused as unhonay mana bhi nai kiya and also didnt seem in favor. Anyhow, when my mother met him she liked him and said he is a decent boy and will try her best to convince my dad but “USKE GHAR WALAY CONTACT TOH KAREIN UNHAY” He has also told me that with his degree he is not going to be stable as other graduates for a couple of years and this scares me as obv my father knows how everything works and he might not be in favor of this.
Problem #3](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) - We still have arguments and usual relationship problems (ours are a little bit more thn usual couples out there I guess because of certain things that happened in the past) but recently I went back home and we barely had any contact (long distance does not work out for us at all even if we go to other cities for a week) and there my khala’s (who also know about this) were showing my rishtay. I am very close to them and that time they knew things arent going so well. At one point I did feel like saying yes to a rishta (not yes for marriage but yes for the baat to agay barna, but even after thinking so much I couldnt say yes because even though there was minimal contact I couldn’t be disloyal to him in this way.
Few days ago, my mother asked again how things are and I told her wohi same usual fights and she told me that since so many other proposals have been rejected and I have stuck around with him for so long her, my sister, my khalas cannot think of anyone else other thn him for my future.
(She said this in Urdu and I am having difficulty explaining it in english - I hope you guys get it).
Because of all the arguments and fights and everything else + the things he says sometimes put me really off but yet again, I dont end the relationship or consider other rishtas.
With so many issues at hand, I am confused ke yeh ho kya raha hai kuch samaj nai ara. He knows he only has a few months for his family to do something because uske baad if we get into a long distance again (which we will since he will go away for work) things between me and him for sure are not going to be great + my family wont wait much longer either).
Fights are not gonna go down after marriage. Most likely increase. My advise to you is bail out. I don't understand why in the first place you kept rejecting other proposals - I am sure there would be others better than him and his ego
i would suggest that you shouldn't pin all of your hopes on this guy. tell him in clear words that he must do something about rishta process or else you can't resist pressure from the family to look for someone else.
you shouldn't wait for this guy. he doesn't seem to be as serious in relationship as you are. don't waste your time and, after giving him an ultimatum, you should go ahead with other proposals.
Few days ago, my mother asked again how things are and I told her wohi same usual fights and she told me that since so many other proposals have been rejected and I have stuck around with him for so long her, my sister, my khalas cannot think of anyone else other thn him for my future.
Unfortunately your mother, sister, and khalas are not marrying him and will not have to share the rest of their life living with this guy. YOU are! So even though its great that they like him.......if you have doubts, then YOUR feelings are more important.
he changed his habits but still a stubborn, egoistic man who thinks he is always right, and whats certain things his way when in return he does not want on him as he "isnt doing anything wrong"
At one point I did feel like saying yes to a rishta (not yes for marriage but yes for the baat to agay barna, but even after thinking so much I couldnt say yes because even though there was minimal contact I couldn't be disloyal to him in this way.
1) His personality will not change. He will always be like this and the fights will always continue. In fact, there will be more stress after marriage as you two begin a new life and once kids enter into the picture. So if anything.....the fights will increase not decrease.
2) Your heart is not 100% committed to him and even in your brain, there is a part of you that realizes that he may not be the best choice for you. B/C otherwise, you wouldn't be confused or even consider saying "yes" to another rishta. You two have been together for 4 YEARS. Given that his graduation is a few months away.....forget bast pakki, there is no reason as to why his mother can't just meet your mother just to talk.
Your relationship with this guy isn't rosy......I don't see any reason for you not to explore other good rishtas. Even after 4 YEARS this guy has not made a formal commitment to you. There is nothing that prevents him from walking away from this. Meanwhile you're saying "no" to other rishtas which could be a GREAT match for you.
See, OP, the thing is that you've been with him for 4 years and you've developed an attachment to him. You've gotten used to him. You might even have gotten used to something that is overall not healthy for you. Sometimes when things are really strained, we look back at the "good times" and hold on to those memories even if things have been progressively getting worse than better.
Don't marry him with the view that, "If I don't end up with him then I would have wasted the past 4 years of my life"....or even with the view that "I've come this far and gone through so much that all of my struggles thus far should result in marrying him." Instead, really look at the relationship. Ask yourself if you truly love and respect him or are you just used to him? Do you truly believe he respects you? Does he make you a better person or bring out the worst in you? Are you at usually at peace with him or do you often feel stressed out because of him? I'm asking you this because you called him an egoist; that's a pretty strong word. We all have an ego, but not everyone is an egoist. And in my experience...despite the charm and other positive qualities....an egoist can often leave you feeling dismissed and invalidated and this puts a strain on the relationship. Be honest with yourself when answering these questions. If things have mostly been difficult and are only getting worse...think about if this is the the right decision for you. You said that your mom met him once and liked him and thought he was decent.....well....most people put their best face forward when they meet an aunti. The truth is that you know him better than your mom cuz you've spent 4 years with him. So don't give your heart the flimsy tasalli that ammi though he was a good bacha and so she must be right. Again, you know him better. You've seen the egoist side to him more than your mom has. You have a better idea as to whether you have the emotional and mental stamina to endure his ego for the rest of your life. If you are absolutely sure you wanna marry him, then talk to him about the rishtas you're getting and the pressure from your parents. It may lead him to take take stronger action.
4 years + relationship, 1st year awesome, 2nd year = horrible (problems from his side), third year = almost horrible,
4th year = things are better from his side, he changed his habits but still a stubborn, egoistic man who thinks he is always right, and whats certain things his way when in return he does not want on him as he *"isnt doing anything wrong"
*
Not looking at all the problems you listed, let's just focus on the bold parts here; Do you really want to marry a guy like that?
You've wasted 4 years of your life and if you stick around, will be wasting more. In the end, he is gonna keep making stupid excuses just like now. He's unreliable. Look out for other options.
My advice would be move on. He doesnt seem to want to involve his family, hes fobbing you off with excuses that his degree isnt stable etc. your pinning all your hopes on him, you should keep your options open he doesnt seem commited. It would probably hurt but best thing is move on, youre clearly not sure yourself otherwise you wouldnt have thought to consider a proposal etc the fact his mum still hasnt contacted does she even know?
This obviously is a toxic relationship and you both have a lot of baggage. Sometimes two people may love each other but aren't necessarily meant to be with each other.
You need to let go.
I'm not saying this cuz he is not settled yet or he hasn't asked his mum to call yet. I'm saying this cuz you both 'think' you have overcome the bad years or bad episodes of your relationships but you haven't and these will remain poking you both for the rest of your lives. You owe it to your future selves, your parents that wana see you happy and to your future kids who would want to see their parents happy...to let go
At first it'll be very hard but we all go through it or have been through the 'letting go' phase at least once in our lives and as someone experienced I can tell you marriage should not be started with any baggage..it won't work out!
Best of luck. The path to the rest of your life starts with your next decision. Be wise!
