My sister is living in an abusive marriage. Her husband was violent while she was pregnant and I was so close to call the police and punish him that way. But family pressuer, izaat bla blah ki wajjah se the police didnt get involved.
Now her baby is 1 yr and I can see that the baby’s behaviour sometimes tend to get violent. She hits all her khala mammus and even herself. is that normal for a 1 yr old kid? she is such an adorable child. My heart cries when I see her doing that cuz I think she does that after having seen her dad do that. He even tells his 1 yr old daughter “mein tumhe maaroun ga”, “mein tumhe karme me band kar doun da”. eventough he says all that in a laad wala lehja, it is so not cute or funny. It can effect her psychologically and she can grow up being scared of getting beaten up. what kind of a father is he??
I am really upset by all that. My sister is not very indepedent minded and is very very dependent on our parents. At one point they also agreed that she shud get a divorce but now they try her to cope with the challenges as long as it doesnt contain any violence. She isnt well like by her siblings because she planned mine and my sisters forced marriages with our parents and other relatives and she and her husband cancelled our return ticket from Pakistan so that we coldnt travel back before we agreed to marry the cousins.
Ever since that has happended me and my other sister has just lost confidence in her. now despite my bitterness towards her, I try to forgive and forget that. However, she doesnt pay any resepct to that whatsoever and has a very dominating approach to everything in our family. It seems as if she is trying to get rid of her frustrations by being bossy with us siblings.
Now when we are planning my wedding, she is offended that we didnt involve her in the very intial work and all her ideas are being rejected. I dont understand why she gets so offended and aggressive. She is bossy and dominating and I fear that she is now planning yet another forced marriage of another sibling of mine. They are all going to Pakistan in the summer and I just dont know how to save him from the hell of experience.
I am angry and bitter and yet I feel sorry for her and want her to be happy. I dont know how to progress with her…
One of my cousin's daugter was exactly the same, and she was not a child of an abusive marriage. Infact, her other siblings did not behave like that at all when they were babies. Some babies are hyper-tempered.
I have seen babies hitting themselves on their head especially when they are teething. It is a very trumatic experience for them.
But babies and kids do pick up negative emotions and that can have negative effects in later life.
I know how hard it can be, to be nice to someone who has been a real jerk to you and you have a BIG HEART coz you're still speaking to her and STILL concerned about her marriage. It shows what a sincere and nice person you are to her even though she broke your trust.
The best thing for you to do is try and forget the past and have a talk with her outlining the reasons why you left her out of the planning.
The way forward is communication communication communication. You and her have to be alone without other influences to get each other's point of view's and clear all misunderstandings. Once you start discussing then you will understand each other more.
Initially it will be hard because all your frustrations and anger will be vented and the first couple of times you try to discuss, you may find yourself arguing more than discussing, but keep at it and you will break through.
Remember try to stay calm even if she can't. In a discussion however hard it is you should try to stay calm and not get emotional as it prevents you from thinking logically.
I ams os orry to hear that chameli. It's horrible but sometimes a woman's worst ementy is usually another women (in our society ... even though girls are forced to fit to a stereotype it isusually people who have been suffering the implications who force it on other girls..
Simple things I see female relatives do (including myself sometimes :() to other girls in the family enforece an incorrect stereotype and your sister must be very bitter but more than that she has been "brainwashed" into thinking what she is doing is right..
Eg. Girls can't play sport, Girls should always be loving ot their husbads even if the husband is an a$$
Congrats on your wedding plans.. I hope you are happy and that you didn't fall in to the trap..
First.....stop being worried about the child. She will be okay. Give her some more time before you pull the plug. Do monitor how and why she hits herself. If THAT side of her behaviour becomes more violent or frequent.....then intervene and find some methods for your sister to train the child with.
Second ..... You need to decide whether or not you are going to get involved with what is going on with your siblings. Once you have made up your mind, then take steps.
The first step should always be to talk directly to the person with whom you have the issue.
Its better to discuss her behavior with your other siblings and your parents. Its your parents who shud take the commanding role in deciding bout weddings of ur siblings, in consultation with them.
I think ur sister has low self-esteem due to the emotioanal violence her husband has inflicted on her, and does not know anything else. This may be the reason that she planned ur marriages - perhaps this is what she has been taught to believe. On the other hand, it may be that the only place where she has control or power is when she is dominating u and ur family.
Ur sister need help and preferable to get out of the marriage. Otherwise ur niece will be emotionally affected by it all. Seeing such behaviour from her father on a daily basis will lead her think such behaviour is normal - this is how she will be conditioned to respond to situations. U need to show her that such behaviour is wrong.