I have always been very attached with my sisters i got 3 of them mashallah. I get along with them very well Alhumduliiah but i just realized i have failed as a sister to my brother.
I am the oldest one i like to know what they are doing etc i love them as my own kids.
I dont really know how to handle my brother. I want to get to know him, what is he like what does he think etc. I see him growing away from the family instead of getting prepared to become a head of house hold inshallah one day.
I want to talk to him more but i am not sure how to approach him. I want him to share stuff with me etc
its tough to handle a guy when he is growing up. They are unfortunately poor decision makers. I know ami ji and abu ji have raised him to knwo whats wrong and whats right. i can easily see that from his behavior. He wont talk to a girl unless girl talks to him. I keep an eye on him but i feel that is not enough. He would lower his eyes when a girl is passing by etc.
He is mashallah a good bacha. But ther is a side of him that i am unaware of and i want to know that side of him.
I love him to death can do anything for him he is my choto bhai. But i need to approach him.
I was thinking of taking horse back riding with him or go for a walk do something anything basically. Share some of my stuff and leave the table open for him to speak as well.
sigh just like my brother..it seems like hes one thing at home, another at school n with his friends. People call him baller, pimp, player n i am just like waaatttt thats my lil baby bro! I think they are so hard to talk to n in my case no matter wat i try, it doesnt work. Usually i find out stuff about him by talking to his friends n then i confront him about it n then he will talk fo rliek two seconds n thats over...I wish i could chane that too.
Nia, does he have a closer bond with one of your younger sisters? if so it shouldnt really matter, all siblings have different type of relationships according to there ages, and who they follow. And the youngest child is always more child like... probably because they have been mollicoddled by the older ones.
He may have been brought up to respect you as an elder sis and there cannot be as open with you as he would be to another sis...he is only 17 and will have lots of "secrets" and will be going through that strange phase of turning to adulthood, give him a few years and he'll be a different person. hmmmn, not sure he would want you to see the "other " side to him.As long as you have someone in the family that he is close to and talks to.
You say he is a poor decision maker.... remember he is only young and you need to make mistakes in life to learn from....
If he is growing away from the family ,its likely that its a "growing up thing" he's doing his own things and becoming more independent..... come on you cant keep him wrapped up in cotton wool.
I dont understand when you say
"He wont talk to a girl unless girl talks to him. I keep an eye on him but i feel that is not enough. He would lower his eyes when a girl is passing by etc. "
what would you like him to do?... look at the girl... from top to bottom or gauge out his eyes and place them in your hands till the danger period is over.
Nia, from what you say, to the credit of your parents and your family .... your brother sounds like a perfectly well brought up, well balanced young man.
I think i broke that shell... i took him out and shared my feelings... We shared things i think we are friends now.
I am a very cool sister. I dont think there is anything wrong in trying stuff just be honest with me. lazy daisy even checking girls out... if i see a handsome man ofcourse i will look i dont expect anyone or him not to look. But i got to know the real side to him.
I know ami and abu ji has done great job Alhumduilliah he was offered to smoke a cigarette tried it didnt like it and refused it.
talking to him was wonderful i have a new buddy now. back of my head ofcourse i act like a sister at the same time]
So is it the job of the older sibling to try to break that shell? Coz I dont feel close to my bro at all, and I dont think he thinks there's anything wrong wit it. He's six years older than me, he left us when i was around 12. And my parents think it's okay that we dont talk or hang out or anything, that its inappropriate to go to the movies or out to lunch/dinner :(
This is exactly why he’ll push you away. If you can put your expectations and judgement aside and treat him like a person, without your agenda, you’ll do fine.
Whats wrong in smoking, If he likes or not, its his choice :k:
And checking out girls is pretty normal too, normal kids do that… but with baji lurking around.. It becomes difficult.
I think if you are cool company then nothing wrong, but young guys dont usually find their elder sister, cool, mostly she is too motherly or not so cool.
Nia, suppose you were my sister and I were your brother, let me add what/how I (as a younger brother) would feel in addition to what Code Red said.
I don't want to hang out with you as your are more like a motherly figure
I won't feel comfortable with you as I can't act cool.
Guys hate to "sit down and talk" or "go on a walk and just talk".
Don't expect me to sit down with you "just to talk".
I need some privacy and space, don't try to get to know the other side of mine. give me some space.
Mind your own business. I respect you because you are my sister, but don't get too nosey.
I am in my learning stage, don't control me with your rules and don't keep an eye on me.
The more you try to control me, the more I'll get out of hands because of stubborness.
It's just not cool to hang out with sisters, what would my peers think of me?
And there are many more things that he'll feel. In other words, as someone said, treat him as a human, don't approach him with a mission and try to accomplish it. Just let him know you are there for him. He should think of you as his friend, not as a sister. He can share everything with you. Don't force him, just give him the option that you'll always be there for him. And if he does share something with you, don't break his trust by running to mommy and telling her.
Nia if you are my older sister, and you are as cool as you claim to be I wont have any problem with hanging out, going to parties watching movies ... But once in a while.
Minding your own business and stuff is too western I dont subscribe to this
Elder sis is responsible for young siblings, If she see some problem with young ones it is her duty to try to work things out in a nice and friendly way.
Some young kids (guys) need some thrashing and some lecturing, to keep them in check. they tend to get out of hand at times using foul language, not listening to elders are some common problems in grwoing kids
But if they are already good kids, she should be cool and good buddy not a nosey and controling type.
I believe she lives in the US and so does her brother. "Mind your own busines" is thinking of most kids here. Nia's brother might be an exception and I am not saying he has to be like other western kids, but this is what most of the kids think like. Be it Pakistani or American. Since he's young, this is what he sees in high school: American culture. This is why she needs to take one step at a time rather than expecting the results overnight. If she tries to do too many things too fast, he'll just get confused.
Then am I the only one who has a brother who tells me I'm a cool sister every other day? Even though he's about six years younger than me, we go around pretty well... And somehow I never need to ask anything.. he just tells everything himself... Whenever he needs advice, feels bad, has troubles with dad's strictness or needs money.. he comes to me... We talk a bit, laugh a bit, I tell him his limits in a nicer way that my dad does :-p And yes... we do go to the movies together, play cricket, fool people... and of course share secrets. From my side... there are some things which I don't share with him, but I think he's used to it now, jab tak woh apni ek ek baat mujhey na bata ley... usko sukoon nahiN aata hehe... Before he goes to bed, we have a chitchat... We do have fights as well... actually we fight a lot... hum ek doosrey key saath bhi nahiN reh saktey aur ek doosrey key baghair bhi nahiN... :-)
What's the age difference between you and your brother Nia? I think being a sister we need to play different roles... sometimes I feel like I'm a mother, sometimes I need to be a sister, but mostly I'm a friend... a good friend :-) And even his friends being jealous.. makes me really feel like I'm a good sister for him :-)
