Shyness

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I can honestly say that I probably have never come across anyone as shy as I was. Maybe those ppl are so shy they never come out. Anyway, I feel my shyness has in some instances been a great detriment.

Have you ever been so shy that you pay others to order food for you over the phone? Or so shy to rather get yelled at infront of others than ask the car in the next lane if you can go ahead? Or so shy that you fail two classes (costing $$) in a row because they require an oral speech infront of the class, which delays your graduation? Or so shy that you’d rather send your mother out to the grocery store than go yourself?

Well, that was me just a few years ago. Only recently have I started to change, but I think of all the lost opportunities and money spent. Dunno why I was like that. I am the only one in the family that doesnt have an “outward” personality. Something psychological perhaps but I havent put my finger on it. Slowly but surely I am moving out of this realm, this box…but it is taking time, and I dont think I will ever completely get rid of it. I think some shyness is good and healthy.

Are you shy?

Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another

2

Being shy is something I in my personal opinion believe we all go through at one point or another. I’m not psychologist by any means but I think what you depicted is more closely allied to having social anxiety, where when loathes the mere thought of being the center of attention or the notion of getting scrutinized by others. Just like any other issue it is feasible to surmount this though for instance taking a speech and debate class for me was the answer to overcoming not my problem of being coy but rather jittery when giving presentations in front of a large group of people and it was something that my father literally forced me to do at a young age but I think it helped me tremendously.

Usually the environment around one can be of an aid yet it can be the source of being shy. But I think eventually the real answer is to learn to be more assertive which is only done once a person disregards the opinion of others in a positive way and develops his or her own mentally and way of thinking based on religion, ethics, and the teaching of your parents. But I guess sometimes people skip all this, which thus leads to being arrogant, and too opinionated. So in conclusion it’s a step-by-step progression but things like taking speech classes, drama, sports or being involved in school activities is an ideal way to trounce ones shyness.

3

wow Munni - that is shyness to the extreme. I used to know someone like that but like you, they came out of their shell.
I am shy myself in some respects but I pretend not to be. I am usually very quiet in public gatherings or when meeting new people. I have socio-phobia for sure.

4

belle and cat-woman,

I guess its the social phobia at work with me. Social anxiety for sureeeeeeee!!! I wonder if a lot of girls have it?! I just try to avoid parties all-together! sigh

belle, I dread taking a course in speech! the horror of having so many faces waiting to hear what you have to say! atleast on gupshup its anonymous! phew! smile

Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another

5

Munni you know..

sometimes it's serious.. I mean get an evaluation just in case.. they have drugs for extreme cases.. if it's discovered to be predominantly a chemical imbalance.

Or at least.. confront it head on.. get into groups that do nothing but talk.. idle talk.. chit chat etc.

better still try it free of cost here at gupshup.. your personal shrink sessions with the entire guppy audience, Freeeee

Upload an intro on the Voice Forum.

Try it.

Edited: 00:30 Hours, US Central Time

[This message has been edited by PakistaniAbroad (edited December 06, 2001).]

6

shyness is inherited I think. Did your mother or father have it (I know you said that you're the only one who is not outgoing or something)?

Your past also determines your persoanlity to a great extent. Maybe you could do your own analysis and figure out how to address the problem.

7

I can honestly say that I probably have never come across anyone as shy as I was. Maybe those ppl are so shy they never come out. Anyway, I feel my shyness has in some instances been a great detriment.
Have you ever been so shy that you pay others to order food for you over the phone? Or so shy to rather get yelled at infront of others than ask the car in the next lane if you can go ahead? Or so shy that you fail two classes (costing $$) in a row because they require an oral speech infront of the class, which delays your graduation? Or so shy that you’d rather send your mother out to the grocery store than go yourself?

Well, that was me just a few years ago. Only recently have I started to change, but I think of all the lost opportunities and money spent. Dunno why I was like that. I am the only one in the family that doesnt have an “outward” personality. Something psychological perhaps but I havent put my finger on it. Slowly but surely I am moving out of this realm, this box…but it is taking time, and I dont think I will ever completely get rid of it. I think some shyness is good and healthy.

Are you shy?

Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another

Munni

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

Too much shyness is a social handicap ,specially in the western society ,where women are expected to be atleast socialize in ‘mixed’ gathering.
Women/girls here ,those WASP ,italian or any european extraction are quiet self conscious compared to men & some of them also & not only Desi women ,dont feel very happy in mixed crowd.But once in a year you have to do for your corporation,christmas party,pic nic ,marriage invitation & it helps to fullfill those obligations than “shy” away from them.

Like you must have found out yourself ,you have been improving.You can hasten it by 'assertiveness training ’ either books or audio tapes or seminars .

As pakistani Abroad mentioned about medication,it only points to the fact that like depression,mood swing & anorexia ,it has chemical basis in the brain also .Those medication used for depression ,Zoloft,Prozac,Paxil have been sucessfull .BUT it is not the preferred first line of therapy.I mentuioned ONLY b/c P.A. brought it up & it gives insight into the chemical basis of such behaviour which gives some explanation of bewildering feelings that suffer might torment themselves with & assure them that there is a reason & basis of everything & one is just on one end of NORMAL spectrum & not a weirdo or odd ball

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/ok.gif

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http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/wink.gif

aap se bhii khuubasuurat aapake a.ndaaz hai.n
aap kii aa.Nkho.n me.n kuchh mahake hue se raaz hai

8

Munni,

Even though everyone is quick to put their 2 cents in without throughly thinking about their statements, allow me to be compeletly “down to busniess” as some call it. First of all shyness is a totally human characteristic, if you are not shy to some degree, you have a screw loose somewhere.

Shyness..like any other human behavior has ranges from extreme to normal, which is directly influenced by factors such as enviroment, culture,and religion. As far as science behind extreme shyness goes, it has not been proved that its genetic, and as mentioned elsewhere by someone that social anxiety is a psychiatric disorder…is only partly true, it is indeed direct off shoot of a few psychiatric disorders.

Contributing events that result in shyness, are unsurprisingly traced back to childhood, for example (very typical in our culture) child abuse,neglect,belittling and continous implied status of being worthless. Since this is strictly behavioral trait and not genetic, it can be overcome with a solid, focused, conscious effort. There are excellent exercises and seminars that are devoted to this subject, and even if you decide that you must take SRI’s(antidepressants) make sure you know the side effects they cause, which by the way are more than the positive effects,something alot of people fail to mention, basically it should be your last resort.

Best of Luck

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9

[quote]
Or so shy that you fail two classes (costing $$) in a row because they require an oral speech infront of the class
[/quote]

hehehe
I can sooooo relate

10

huh U.. :~O

11

I know wot u mean Munni. I use to be shy as well i mean extremely shy…there was this desi girl in my chemistry class for 1.5 years really friendly n everything ‘n’ i could neva look her str8 in the eye, never talked to her or ne thing, we were the only desi’s in that class ‘n’ as u know goray ppl r extremely boaring

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/frown.gif

so i spent all them chemistry lessons getting bored out of my ass talking too boaring white kids 'bout green day, offspring, 9 inch nails … who screwed who etc. etc. zzzzzzZZZZZZ

untill one day someone invited me to a msn conversation with her, got to know her online n we spent the rest of our chemistry lessons talkng about bolywood n stuff like that

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

i mean i find it sooo much easier to get to knoW ppl online than in real life.

[This message has been edited by Shehzaada (edited December 06, 2001).]

12

Ok, now that we know the source of your wet dreams, shahzada, we can work on providing group support to you to make the experience more fruitful outside the chemistry class.

First, dig out a list of good restuarants in your area.

13

Munni, if you don't mind my asking - how have you started to overcome this?

I've been suffering with this for literally years, but I have noticed it has increasingly gotten worse. I didn't use to be this severely shy when I was younger but it has gotten increasingly worse since about 3-2 years ago, to the point that today it's difficult for me to even make eye contact with anyone whom I don't know. In his reply, FYI suggested taking seminars or reading particular books - I've tried it, and so far it hasn't truly seemed to help. .... Any suggestions? It would be MUCH appreciated:)

14

Lol @ Roman

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Life main tEnSiOn!!!

15

SARAH i would have to disagree there… it cant be inherited… it has noting to do with ur parents behaviour… i would say its opposite… my parents are preetty ok… but i am kinda..shy …exaplin that huh

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

16

.

17

Sarah,

Im the only one in my entire immediate family that is very shy. Infact I am the only one that can be labelled as shy. sigh

My minor is in psychology...and well..behaviourist approach is probably what psychologists would dub their reasoning on...

I myself have an..."it can be a contribution of several factors" approach... smile

Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another

18

Munni

trust me I thought there was no one as shy as me either. But now I know I have a fellow comrade.

I have had this problem as long as I can remember and it is sooooooo annoying. People make fun of me.

When I phone Pakistan to talk to my relatives, I am forced to by my angry parents coz I just wont and when I do I leave the room and even so sewat gallons before I can squeak out a decent enough salaam.

I too have missed many opportunities in life due to this problem/illness. At University I used to take the day off and pretend I was ill so that Id escape a presentation.

People mistake this shyness for arrogance, but its catch 22 coz I dont have enough guts to tell them that this is not the situation.

My mums friends always complained to my mum that I never spoke to them. My mum would have a go, only she never realised that I did say salaam to them when they walked in only it was som many many decibels low that it never reached their ears.

It is good to an extent but sets you back tooo much in life, coz our tyoe of people though talented cannot show it or display it coz we dont have the confidence. And to tell u the truth I am down right sick of my personality. I really wish I wasnt like this and I dont know what to do.

I know Im never gonna change.

Do u believe my about 3 of my Mamoos have never heard my voice ( I am 24 yrs old))! They hide in rooms and corners when I go to Pakistan just to hear me speak!

As a result of my shyness I feel I am used more too and taken advantage of coz people know I dont have the strength to speak upto them.

I reckon thats why my husband married me too

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/frown.gif

I hate my self for it. I feel envious when I see confident people.

Does anyone have a cure?

19

have you come to the right place for that!

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/biggrin.gif

use a tape recorder (better still use your comp) and start talking to yourself. Record and listen.. the major obstacle is liking your voice. Once you’re past that.. try posting something on the voice forum.. like record a short poem and post it.. brave the responses.. (they are almost always complimentary)..

Begin and in our next ‘session’ we’ll advance this therapy..

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

20

feroza,

Wow! You touched upon another problem I also have, speaking with relatives!!! Oh my goshhhhhhhhh its sooooooooo toughhhh! This I havent gotten over either, but I'm working on it slowly. I feel shy to even speak to my bhabi on the phone, and she might be interpreting it as if I dont want to speak to her too much. You are right, shyness if often mistaken for arrogance.

Reminds me of an incident, what you wrote. Once a former teacher came over to my house. I locked myself in a tiny closet for about 3 hours, completely uncomfortable and the teacher KNEW I was in there! I still wouldn't come out. sigh I was way younger then. What I tend to do now is just hide out in my room.

I do wish sometimes that I was not like this, but then there are many other times that I am glad I am so shy, otherwise I probably would have gotten myself into a lot of trouble growing up!!! smile

I will PM you, if thats alright with you. Will share some ideas on how to work on becoming more confident. Never lose hope!
smile

Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another