Shura in the family:
Why we need it, how to do it
by Abdul Malik Mujahid
Gender relations in Islam are not based on male-female competition as is seen in a number Western societies today. Rather, this relationship is based on gender cooperation. (Quran: 4:32).
In the context of the family, the husband is the leader (Qawwam) of the family as defined by Allah.
However, the power of this leader, like that of all other Islamic leaders, is bound on the one hand by the Quran and Sunnah, and on the other by Shura or mutual consultation - amruhum shura bainahum (Quran 42:38).
The Muslim family, therefore, like all other Muslim institutions, formal or informal, must be run with mutual consultation.
One major cause of problems in the Muslim Ummah today is the absence of Shura. The Shura process, if adopted as a personal behavior and nourished by the family as a way of life, will benefit the Ummah in the long run.
Some Guidelines for Informal Shura
Informal Shura is like talking to each other. It may happen at any place and at any time. Here are some examples of informal Shura and tips you can use:
• Listen attentively: no TV shows, games, books or newspaper should be in your way if your spouse or child wants to talk to you
• Shura doesn’t have to be about family affairs: mutual consultation in the family could be about any topic. It was the advice of Umm Salamah, the wife of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him and may Allah be pleased with her) which the Prophet followed when Muslims were reluctant to obey him at the end of Hudaybiyah
• A serious topic could be brought up in small doses if Shura is not the norm of the family
• Many women are afraid of bothering their husbands with “domestic” stuff. But take some time to think about how you’d like your husband to contribute and then talk with him about it
• Spouses should brief each other about work, neighborhood, Masjid, and each other’s activities. Mutual information is necessary for mutual consultation
• A family calendar will help tremendously for family time and Shura. In family meetings, go over next month’s dates (teacher conferences, games, next family meetings etc.). A large month-by-month calendar in the kitchen, next to the phone may work well.
• A family leader must encourage Shura by being positive. If your wife or children are afraid of your reaction, they will not participate in Shura.
Shura in a restaurant: Spouses may meet each other everyday without ever actually discussing issues. Set a time to go out and talk.
Walking Shura: What about an evening walk to discuss a topic?
Formal Shura
Formal Shura is a process to reach an agreement on an issue of mutual interest. Everyone should participate in Shura with an open mind.
Some pointers on how to do this are:
• Begin the Shura with Allah’s Hamd, Sana and Salawat on our Prophet
• you have to be willing to sacrifice your opinion if it is not accepted even if you are sure of its soundness
• Learn the details of the topic under consultation before you speak
• Listen attentively to what others are saying
• Be respectful in discussing each other’s point of view
• Remember that the process of Shura involves abiding by what is agreed upon
• Involve all children in the formal Shura of the family. They come up with brilliant ideas
• Avoid being defensive or sarcastic. Be rational and reasonable
• Make Dua (supplication) for Barakah (blessings) in your decisions at the end
Cont…