Hi!
Do you think that old peope/parents/relatives should be put to the nursing houses?
Some people choose to do so because they have no time, energy, patience and desire to take care of old person, especially when person is paralyzed or in complicated medical condition.
Some families, no matter how hard it may be for them, choose to take care of their fathers and mothers because they believe that family provides better care than strangers in the nursing home.
If you had this dilemma, what would your choice be?
noooooooooooooooooooooo
Never
sheen
in some cases the level of care provided to elders with serious needs may be better in a nursing facility.
This is not due to the unwillingness on the part of the son/daughter but because of the type and level of care needed.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Fraudz: *
sheen
in some cases the level of care provided to elders with serious needs may be better in a nursing facility.
This is not due to the unwillingness on the part of the son/daughter but because of the type and level of care needed.
[/QUOTE]
This is my opinion too.
I think it's impossible to give you a correct answer Sheen. I'm not saying that all old peope/parents/relatives should be put into nursing homes, neither am I saying it's wrong to do so. It all depends on the condition of the person and on the resources of the family.
I think that if the older person is in good health his/her family should take care of him/her. But if he/she needs lot's of extra care it's really hard for the family to give that extra attention. Especially when you're living Europe/US etc. Small houses, busy lives, little/no family...
there was a long and really good discussion on this topic a few months back as well. you may want to look that up also.
Okay why don’t we also put our mentally / physically retarded children in insitutions too? and also if theyre blind, deaf, mute 
after all, why should we deal wioth them too?
hey i should tell all my relatives and acquantances to put their disabled kids in institutions. i can think of a kid with downs syndrome, one who cant even walk or talk or sit up, and one who’s severely disabled. im sure their parents are not up to the task for managing the kids
whatever
theyre your parents for gods sakes. they went through hell with you and suddenly youre incapable of caring for them? thank god they didnt put you in an institution as soon as you had a problem with following orders or in school or your IQ was lower than normal. hire a nurse or something if their problems are really bad. why put them in a place where they arent loved? are they such a bhoj, too bad they didnt have the foresight to see you as a bhoj too
Well, when I am old, no one is going to "put" me anywhere - ever. I alone decide where I am to go. And my living will makes my wishes very clear should I become disabled to the point of not being able to speak for myself.
Never, never, never would I impose myself on my children. I am raising them to have their own lives.
That said, I would never "put" my parents in a nursing home. They, however feel as I do and would never live with me or my siblings. So I would absolutely try to talk them out of it and come live with me but it would never happen.
I think this is an american or maybe a western thing, this extreme independance. And the crazy, fast paced lifestyle leaves barely time for taking care of your kids, let alone anyone else;
As for elder taking care of their infants, it is their duty to do so.
When its other way around, we tend to develop problems. For example fights between grand kids and grand parents (trust me I have seen them, biggest example would be my cousins back in Pakistan).
No relationship is perfect, I am not saying that older people should be put in nursing home/living alone for ever, sometimes they should be separated for small amount of time, so relationship would stay balanced. Just take friendship for an example, if two friends live right next to each other, at some point, they might not tolerate each other anymore, make friends who are live far away ( that’s what I do).
I am new in Canada, but in Hawaii it was so peaceful, I have seen so many American grown ups, which don't live with there parents, but they still all live happily.
Just a side story (my neighbors in Hawaii)
They were seniors in there 70’s I guess, whenever I saw there grown up kids come to visit them, they would bring gifts and so many other things.
What I am trying to say is if something is not around us, we don’t take it for granted and therefore, tend to care more about it.
Haha you really are unreal.
They are your PARENTS. nice way you have of repaying them for their love and time and money. may they bless the kidness you return.
As for like the thing about love growing with distances. How can you think of putting them in a place where there is no love? in a sterile place where the only reason nurses etc help them is because they are paid for it, not because they love your parents. who wants that sterile kind of care anyway?
during a hajj, abdullah bin umar (ra) saw a man making tawaaf of the kaaba with his mother on his shoudlers…
the man came up to him and said “i carried my mother on my shoulders through the journey and performed the hajj carrying her on my shoulders… have i fulfilled her rights”…
“no”, replied abdullah bin umar (ra), “u have not fulfilled thr right of one night that she slept on the bed made wet by u and kept u on the dry part”…
and what have u done for ur parents if u put them off to a nursing house???
Why do you guys see everything so black and white? I'm not saying everyone should put there parents in nursing homes, but there are some cases in which elder people are just better of in nursing homes.
perhaps u should read what others said above :halo:
*Originally posted by Sarah Splendor: *
**Okay why don’t we also put our mentally / physically retarded children in insitutions too? and also if theyre blind, deaf, mute after all, why should we deal wioth them too?
How many terminally ill kids who need special attention do you see living at home?
the question is not about mental or physical limitations, but about medical needs that one may not be able to provide as well as a nursing home can provide.
hey i should tell all my relatives and acquantances to put their disabled kids in institutions. i can think of a kid with downs syndrome, one who cant even walk or talk or sit up, and one who’s severely disabled. im sure their parents are not up to the task for managing the kids
again, a kid with down syndrome or any mental or physical limitations is not the same as someone who is 90 years old and needs specialized care.
whatever
yep, atleast pick up a right comparison.
**theyre your parents for gods sakes. they went through hell with you and suddenly youre incapable of caring for them? **
The question again is what is better for them? In majority of cases and not until very old age there is no need for round the clock specialized care.
But what is best for their health needs to be factored in, and there are cases where a nursing home facility can provide better care.
**why put them in a place where they arent loved? are they such a bhoj, too bad they didnt have the foresight to see you as a bhoj too **
Once you get off your high horse and stop lecturing you may see the need is to provide the best care possible for the people. if the best care is at home by yourself, thats the way to go, if you need to hire a caretaker to help at home, that is another option, and then if the need is for them to have more round the clock monitoring and help then a specialized care facility may take better care of them. Love factors in, a person trying to do what is best for his/her parents is love, even though he/she may be called bayghairat or whatever by the desi community.
The point is not packing up your folks and tossing them in some run of the mill retirement home 3 states away and forgetting about them or visiting them on special occassions, but to do what is needed to ensure they have the proper level of care.
and please dont assume that just because a person is living at home with his kids and has special needs that he is taken care of the way he should be. I have seen enough cases where the person is not well cared for.
Just as one can make a blanket statement that all ppl whose parents are at nursing facilities are heartless ppl who dont want to fulfill their responsibility, a similar blanker statement can be made that all ppl who keep their parents at home even though they need better care are cheap ppl who dont want to spend the money to get good care for their parents..because guess what, it costs to have soemone in a good nursing home.
I would buy into this people have their parents live with them at home thing as a sign up love bull**** if i had not seen elders dependent on their kids for everything and the kids not taking care of them as needed. the clothes were smelly, they stayed in their bed majority of the day,s heets were not changed, essentially left to be alone in their rooms..now in desis icrles this guy would be considered better than soemone who has his parents in a nursing facility but tell me really is that so?
things have to be evaluated in not just emotional terms but practical terms as well, practical in a sense that what is the best for them (if they are unable to make their own decisions).
I know of families where their elders have special needs but they can not afford to have a nurse to take care of him and cant look at nursign home option due to desi society taboos. In one case the husband and wife both work, and have to work..as niether fo them makes enough money to support a family. For them it would really be a big expense if gramps was in a nursing home, but still much cheaper than having a nurse come in every day..
people have said lame shyt like oh why doesn’t the wife quit working and take care of gramps all day.. these advisors have no idea of what the financials of this family are, for them teh fact that both of them work shows that they prefer money over gramps, which is not the case..they have to work, they barely get by with what both of them make and losing one income is not an answer.
they cant afford a nurse so the wife works days husband works nights and between the two of them they manage somehow. Yet with all their good intentions etc, they coud not provide the level of care he needed. They backed away from the nursing home options because of the sociatal taboos, and the gramps suffered due to insufficient care not due to lack of effort but lack of skills and knowledge.
This is just one example, where the children tried their best but even with best intentions they were unable to provide sufficient care. there are other cases where the elders are living with their kids, and the kids do not provide the level of care needed, but everyone in the community points to them as an example of look how they take care of their elders, not seeing the daily crap and misery the elders have to endure.
The point is simple…
- parents own wishes are important
- if one is able to take care of them he/she should
- just because parents are with their kids does not mean theya re getting the care the need…due to negligence or due to inability/knowledge
- if the right answer for them is nursing home for their care than that is what needs to be done, no matter how many mohally ki buaa types roll eyes how many times.
Fraudz,
I don't really care what muhallay ke people say, it is a matter of my conscience and doing the right thing and trying to return back to my parents what they gave to me. If someone can't give them a loving environment at home and are going to indulge in elder abuse then okay they should send them to a nursing home. But I would like to be there for my parents when they need me the most. Even if their mental/physical problems are so bad that they cannot even recognize me. I'll hire a nurse, I'll move into a place where they can maneuver their wheelchair but I just can't put them in a place where no one will love them, I think thats cruel. And if that means I'm on my high horse, so be it. In Islam we have huge responsibilities to our parents, I will be honored to TRY and give back what they gave me.
You bring up a good point about finances. In my haste to reply I missed that part :d you're right, it really does depend on the situation but sigh the ideal would be that people who love them take care of them (the elderly parents). i guess the finances part is kind of moot though no? :D don't you need money to put the parents in a nursing home in the first place? and if you want a good one where the nurses are skilled and HUMANE then you shall have to fork over some major moolah no? so we're back to square one :) i doubt they come cheap. and as for spouses barely being able to manage, I don't know many of those. the ones I have seen who are poor in the west usually don't bring their parents out here and the ones I have seen in pakistan, well most women don't do paid work.
i did…actually i was talking to SS