This is an issue I have been struggling with recently, and I would just like an unbiased opinion. I was with a man who was consistently abusive (mentally, emtionally, physically) We have a daughter together whom he hasn’t seen for 3 yrs nor ever paid anything towards child support.
I tried to work out some arrangements for him seeing his daughter after we got seperated but nothing worked out because even though he tried to make me feel guilty for taking his daughter away from him he never made any practical efforts to see her. I eventually, gave up trying.
I came to know that a year or so after I left him he was involved in an incident in which he hit his aunt who lived with him.A police report was filed. I don’t know what became of it after that.
Recently my ex has been contacting me asking if he can see her and offering to send money. I don’t know what to do. From the conversation we have had he has showed very little remorse over his past behaviour. When I was with him he spent all day surfing channels on TV, I believe he has started working now.I have no idea of he has remarried or if he is seeing anyone. Now I believe everyone has the right to change, but I don’t know if he has changed enough, but am I the one to judge that? Am I the one to keep him from his daughter? Will my daughter be mad at me in the future? What if his father dies and they never got a chance to be close. On the other hand I feel as if it’s my job to protect my daughter from harm from anyone, even her own father.He is 55 yrs old and I feel like if he hasn’t changed by now, he probably never will. I myself personally do not ever want him to see his daughter again, I don’t feel like he deserves her.Should I allow my ex to see her?
I know it’s my fault because I picked to have a child with him, but I’d like to give her the best future possible. Any advice is appreciated.
For your husband I would say, you made your bed now lie in it. No you should absolutely not let him meet your daughter as by the incidence with aunt he has displayed tendencies of violence, he may be misogynistic as many others and you dont want your daughter to get exposed to that toxicity. By not showing caring previously he had shown where he stands. Relationships are two way streets, you invest in it so you don’t die a lonely life. If one hasn’t invested in it then it is a choice they made. Same thing happened in our family where the father abandoned the kids and mom still let him get in touch and now the father is getting overly demanding and trying to turn kids against the mother. Most of the gora kids who come to our house don’t have contacts with biological fathers and that is just ife. People dont change we paid a big price for believing they do.
If he was not abusive towards his daughter, then yes, you should allow him to see her. Never let emotions between you are ex, to affect what’s between the kid and parent.
There has been no custody agreement.My daughter was with me when I left his house He never contested this in court and neither did I ask for child support.
@Bobby1 Thank you for the advice. I agree with what you said about relationships being two way streets. I just don’t want to regret anything later so I want to be very sure about what I do.
@Iconoclast Sensible advice! as always. He lost it with her on a couple of occasions.Once he was going to hit her when she tried to defend me but stopped himself at the last minute.Another time he ripped a top she loved in front of her. Most other times he was patient and loving towards her. Not to forget,he was neglectful and very stingy when it came to taking care of material needs,clothes, food etc despite being rich enough to afford a very comfortable lifestyle.
Ultimately, I think only you know what is best for your daughter, of course, BUT I caution against a complete removal of the father for legal reasons. I’m not sure which country you are in but I STRONGLY advise you speak to a lawyer before you do any kind of formal denial of the father. Nothing wrong with getting advice online generally but it the case of legal matters, best to er on the side of caution! It will likely be that since he did not originally contest, the legal onus will be on him to go to court and change the terms of the agreement but make sure of this by speaking to a lawyer.
@FreshBakedPi I live in Pakistan.I consulted a good lawyer some time back. Not much concerned about the legal issues since he has never asked for visitation, paid any child support so there isn’t anything to worry about.
That’s a relief! I figured you had but wanted to make sure!
I had to make a similar decision (I have an eight year old son and I am also divorced) a number of years ago. I made up my mind by asking myself if I would feel comfortable justifying the decision to my son when he becomes an adult. As I said earlier, you know the situation better than any of us could (even those of us who have gone through it as well!) I hope whatever you decide brings you a measure of peace. Lord knows I have been there and it’s a horrible position to be in.
Off topic but I don’t recall even a single divorce case, where the female, among other things did not mention lack of or less than needed financial support.
Is it that common for men to not support their family? I haven’t seen it tbh, I see men providing financially even when things are not going well.
Some of us are just not that fortunate. I don’t know percentage breakdowns so I can only speak anecdotally but it isn’t uncommon here in the West. I’ve been divorced for almost six years and have never been paid child support. I have a number of friends in similar positions. I could take my former husband to court but I have chosen not to at this time for several reasons. I am very fortunate to have the type of family I do and I’m grateful that I can provide for my boy myself. It’s a rough road though.
Your daughter is 9 right? So she hasn’t seen her father since she was 6. What did you tell her when you left your ex? Does she ask about her dad or ever say anything that makes you think she misses her dad?
Yes, she is 9
I didn’t tell anything, she was there when he hit me and then kicked us both out of the house. She had to witness it all about which I feel sorry but I think of it as good too in a twisted selfish sort of a way because that saves me from explaining the reasons behind things to her.
She never talks about him these days and I don’t think she misses him either.
Why in Gods name would you ever consider having such a man in your daughters life. It is a mothers duty to protect a child from these kinds of animals. A good mother is all a child needs and in no way is he going to have a good effect on her life.
What is the visa status of your husband?
I am going through similar situation and married a seemingly ‘nice’ guy from Pakistan. Fast-forward to him arriving in the UK - he changed drastically and I fell pregnant and had a baby. He left me soon as she was born and didn’t make efforts to see her etc. Then I managed to get his visa cancelled and now he has sent a court order through which I am contesting. So I would not allow my daughter to see her father because his main interest in her is just for a visa. TBH he hasn’t made any effort before or now and is only interested in the paper from court.
I wouldn’t always stop my daughter from seeing/speaking to him but I would leave the decision to her when she is older and a little mature. Right now she is 9 months old.
The moment he kicked you both out of the house, he lost his rights on you AND your daughter. It would be goodwill from your end, if you’d let him speak to her. I obviously don’t know the whole situation, but if it is as it sounds, I would not let that guy anywhere near my daughter if I were you.
