**Why would one even want to refer to THEMSELVES as "controlling"??? Why would you even want ANYONE....let alone your spouse to view you as "controlling?"
Even celebrities (Tom Cruise, lol) can't make "controlling" look good. It's such a negative word....which sends out a negative vibe/image/connotation. And it's a turn-off in general.**
GSUK,
Listen to your conscience, which is telling you that it's not right to treat your wife in a way as to "make her earn your love." If your family is advising this.........they are advising from their BRUISED EGOS. It is mainly their wounded pride and grudge that is giving you this advice that can actually have the potential to ruin your marriage (if there will even be a marriage).
Your family's advice is not reasonable. And I'll tell you why. It is mostly only our parents who love us unconditionally (or try to). For every other relationship in the world.......of course we have to earn the person's trust and positive regard. Think about it. You have to earn your friend's friendship. You have to earn your boss's approval. You have to earn your coworkers' respect. Only parents can tolerate a lot of crap and you normally don't have to "earn" their affection. So, tell me something. Did your parents also advise you to give your friends/boss/coworkers/cousins a cold shoulder...............so that they can "earn" your respect? And did your family give YOU any suggestions about how YOU should earn THEIR respect?????
Respect should be MUTUAL. So, to be FAIR, did your family give you some advice on how YOU should win your fiance's love and respect? I bet they didn't. That's because they're only thinking about what they can get from HER.
How do you "earn" respect? You earn respect by showing respect, consideration, honesty, patience, firmness, etc. Not by being manipulate.
I understand that there are differences between the two families. If it's hard for you, then understand that it is also tough for her. She has to face the a reserved attitude from your family.......does she ALSO need to get that from you too? Are you trying to show her from the very beginning...............that you will not be there to support her........that you don't consider you and her to be a TEAM? Is that the message you're trying to give her?
And how can you be so sure of your family's advice. What if their purpose to give you such advice is that they're secretly hoping that you will stop calling her too much.............and then she'll get mad..............arguments will take place between you two..............in the hopes that you'll call off the whole thing. I'm not saying that your family has such intentions. But how can such behavior truly help the rishta? If you avoid her......she can assume negative things about YOU as well.
Regarding the first bit I think it's like when u get some desi parents saying 'oh, my kids are so scared of me' as if it's something positive..