Good afternoon folks! Hope all of you are having wonderful afternoon.
The question here is for everybody. So lets say, the guy (25) is older in the family. And parents have too much expectations from him. Let me elaborate more on that. Expectations in terms of living with them and just do exactly what his parents tells him to do. For example, parents telling him that he should only do business (although he can make good money while working in his career). He should live with them no matter what happens, although parents are financially independent and living happily.
About him, he is very independent and lived by himself when he was in university. He doesn’t see going anywhere because he is asked to do business which he isn’t sure whether he will make enough money to support himself. He doesn’t want to rely on his parents to support financially and do temp jobs here and there par-time. He wants to do himself everything by working in his career. And of course, eventually get married with a girl he likes and live with her in separate house. He has his priority straight, he loves his parents to death at the same time…thinks that a person should be independent and live the way he wants to live. Being financially stable, and then think of some business when he has saved up some money and eventually slowly can start.
Guy’s parents are being very emotional and even told him that he will have no contact with them and his younger siblings. He is buying out in this emotional blackmail but sad that his parents are using this tactic.
Should he move out? Or just keep living with his parents?.
Do the siblings support him? I'd be very surprised if the parents actually followed thru and stopped speaking to him (as well as the kids) just because he moved out.. they prob just said that to try and shock him into staying.. He should reassure his parents that he still loves them to death but this is something he feels he needs to do tho he will always be there to support them if they need help in any way..
Most of the time parents think ke larka haat se nikal jayega aur humari nahin sunega. Which is true until the age of 25 or so I believe. Its not fair to the guy to be treated like a baby now. It hinders his growth as well as his future family.
Maybe he needs to stand up to them while he is living with them in order to get them used to his independance. Once they get used to him doing things his way...moving out might not be such a shock.
I will say this though:
Its not just about parents. Its also about the kids and how they treat their parents. If parents are being made to feel like they have no rights towards their children...it causes rifts. It also creates a huge issue for future DILs because they are seen as the causes.
So, moving out is a great thing...yes. However, it doesnt mean he can just do anything and everything he wants. Sometimes moving out means listening even more so because people are much more sensitive.
It will depend greatly on how maturely he handles the situation.
Do the siblings support him? I'd be very surprised if the parents actually followed thru and stopped speaking to him (as well as the kids) just because he moved out.. they prob just said that to try and shock him into staying.. He should reassure his parents that he still loves them to death but this is something he feels he needs to do tho he will always be there to support them if they need help in any way..
You know Deeba, he has re-assured his parents. And even proved it. He proved it by rejecting the good job offer he had when he was living in the city he went to university and came to live with the parents. He has lived there for a year now and see going no-where. But i am glad you posted.
Are they emotional about him moving out or him not doing everything as they say.
Is it their family business they want him to take over versus starting down his career path?
1) They are emotional about him moving away and making his own decisions in life.
2) No it's not family business but rather starting his own career path which he thinks he is not ready because he is not experienced in that particular business.
I would suggest that he says on the career issue he will meet them halfway and start working in his field to get experience, make contacts, understand industry needs and save up for a future business.
He should assert himself slowly more and more.
Their fears may be along the lines that the guy will be on his own making money, fall in bad company and bad habits etc. On the other hand they may just be controlling, some parents can not let go. In which case he would have to take more of a stand.
Most of the time parents think ke larka haat se nikal jayega aur humari nahin sunega. Which is true until the age of 25 or so I believe. Its not fair to the guy to be treated like a baby now. It hinders his growth as well as his future family.
Maybe he needs to stand up to them while he is living with them in order to get them used to his independance. Once they get used to him doing things his way...moving out might not be such a shock.
I will say this though:
Its not just about parents. Its also about the kids and how they treat their parents. If parents are being made to feel like they have no rights towards their children...it causes rifts. It also creates a huge issue for future DILs because they are seen as the causes.
So, moving out is a great thing...yes. However, it doesn't mean he can just do anything and everything he wants. Sometimes moving out means listening even more so because people are much more sensitive.
It will depend greatly on how maturely he handles the situation.
I think you pointed out correctly when you said that his parents are in fear of losing him. But my question is losing for what?. He has done so much for the family in his past life. He started his school very late and the only reason was that he was supporting his family and bring money home. Now that he has accomplished and now wants to move ahead and do whatever he wants to do in life. And talking about daughter in law...his parents started to think that the girl he likes influenced his decision and making him "rebellious". Which is un-true because poor girl supported him in good and bad..both. But now, he wants to take a stand and live a life he wants to live.
I think you pointed out correctly when you said that his parents are in fear of losing him. But my question is losing for what?. He has done so much for the family in his past life. He started his school very late and the only reason was that he was supporting his family and bring money home. Now that he has accomplished and now wants to move ahead and do whatever he wants to do in life. And talking about daughter in law...his parents started to think that the girl he likes influenced his decision and making him "rebellious". Which is un-true because poor girl supported him in good and bad..both. But now, he wants to take a stand and live a life he wants to live.
He is their elder son...his parents are depending on him to be their sahara as our culture says. They are in fear of losing his mind and heart to her...not his money. Money comes and goes...its their son they're worried over.
Moving out is a big deal...for both parents and sons. What he needs to do is involve his parents in his decisions. Live close to them and show them he wont be leaving them. Once they see his practical application, they will feel better.
If he really wants to move out, he shouldnt wait until after marriage...this should be done before so inlaws dont develop animosity towards their DIL for no reason. He should get a place close by, come over often, help out around the house, do things for them, etc and show them he isnt going anywhere.
It all makes sense. He wants to get married. Parents fear losing him. Makes perfect sense. They also fear she is the reason ouch. Maybe he should think about staying in that city, but move out?
i say tell him to slow down.......... take things one at a time. first figure out the living situation. then the business situation if all this settled then think about getting married.
advice him not to abandon his parents. no one lives forever. the life is so short that in no time he will see his own kid reaches his height and since history repeats itself so may be in future when he will need his kids to be with him, they will also leave him like the way he left his parents.
the best he can do is buy the house near his parents and try to explain them that his heart belongs to the career he is currently pursing. no parent is evil. I am sure every parent wants the best for their children and sooner or later they will be happy with his career.