It is TOTALLY cool to be confused. Because marriage is one of the most unique phenomenon in human life. Here is why!
Marriage is a UNION.
That means, as result of the marriage, the man and the woman have to CHANGE. It is like mixing water and flour. The end result is???
both water and flour change their state. They CHANGE for better or worse.
The change means both good and bad but it is a CHANGE.
In this union or “Holy matrimony”, the man and woman bond with each other by shedding their clothes both physically and spiritually.
They then become each other’s “Libas” or a cover as stated in Holy Quran.
…They are a sort of garment for you [man] and you are a sort of garment for them [woman]… (2:188)
A garment that covers the weakness, and protects from others, and compliments the partner.
There are many verses in Glorious Quran, but this particular one is the LEADING ayah.
Before you try to follow Islamic approach to marriage (reference provided below), try to understand the contemporary concepts. Modern day marriages usually take two forms:
- Companionship only
- Companionship + pro-creation
#1 is applicable to a small but growing subset of couples who just want companionship and no children because:
— they may have had children from previous relationships,
— the are too old to bear children or raise them (children take a LOT of energy to raise)
— they are too urban, or too busy in professional lives to even want children
Most of the Islamic teaching may or may not address this particular marriage for many reasons. However if you want to follow this particular form of marriage, make sure your partner is FULLY AWARE of this. Make sure there are no plan to have kids, and keep your finances separate for the first two years.
#2 is applicable to most of the couples. And most likely a place where you will find your “Islamic” answers.
This type of marriage means that sooner or later husband and wife will decide to have kids. When they do, get ready for a TOTAL OVERHAUL of your life.
Having kids will impact both man and wife for sure, but changes in the life of the woman are GINORMOUS, HUMUNGOUS, i.e. VERY VERY LARGE.
There is NO WAY on earth that she can continue living life as she was used to during the bachelorette days. There are many physical and spiritual reasons for this change.
Physical reasons:
– Few months after conception, the mother-to-be needs special care for health reasons. It means reduced amount of work schedule, or no work at all.
– After birth of the child, the mother has natural tendencies to spend MAXIMUM amount of time with the new-born. Thus no outside life, no work life is possible without a HUGE stress on the MOTHER.
– new borns take a LOT out of the mothers physically, and thus she needs a lot of rest when possible. If she doesn’t, there are HUGE health consequences for HER.
Thus the mother aka woman becomes DEPENDENT on her husband and extended family for the physical support. And a good marriage guarantees that support.
Now you see the wisdom in the Quran’s verse 2:188.
emotional reasons:
– Allah has made us in such a way to increase and strengthen the BOND between the Man and the Woman.
– Woman knows that the child she bears is HER.
but
– the man cannot tell if the Child is HIS (only modern methods of genetic analysis can prove or disprove the fact).
Thus it becomes compulsory for the wife to assure at every stage at every moment that the kids she is “bearing” truly belong to her husband.
only then she will be able to get the 100% emotional support from her husband.
That means, she has to Lower her gaze (Quranic wisdom), Not make a lot of noise while walking, must quit meeting na-mehram when no-one else is around (Quranic wisdom). Cover her bosoms (Quranic wisdom) and the list goes on an on.
Thus she changes in a BIG way after the marriage, in order to secure the 100% emotional support from her husband and society in general.
The husband contributes to this UNION by:
– Lowering his gaze (Quranic wisdom),
– supporting his wife (Quranic wisdom) and helping her raise the children,
– Quit meeting na-mehram when no-one else is around (Quranic wisdom),
– Be modest in his clothing (Quranic wisdom),
and the list goes on an on.
And once the man and the woman attain this “Holy matrimony”, then guess what:
Their lives become “heaven on earth”, where they love each other, provide each other with tenderness and care, and raise their kids in a healthy environment.
However if after wedding, either the husband or the wife or both do not show the level of commitment to change themselves, then the marriage should end as soon as possible. And make sure 100% that no child is conceived in this unhealthy environment. As this will lead to a TOTAL RUIN in the lives of woman and man financially, physically, and emotionally.
Best wishes.
p.s. There is a good discussion here on this site:
Paradise on Earth