should a woman change herself

Society Religion & Philosophy
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after marriage. My question is : Does Islam demand that a woman completely succumbs to her husband’s wishes 100%. That she is no longer allowed to live her life according to her own wishes but every hour and every minute of her married life should be spent just obeying her husband. Husband may even be the very modern and outgoing character. I mean drinking, staying out whole night with his friend and she should wait up for him to come home so that she should make fresh chappatis for him. etc.etc. If she does not do that she is not a good muslim wife. I want to know what does islam say about this. Help I am confused.

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Re: should a woman change herself

"That she is no longer allowed to live her life according to her own wishes but every hour and every minute of her married life should be spent just obeying her husband."

I thought every hour and every minute of our life is spent according to Allah's wishes?

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Re: should a woman change herself

Salam. A wife should obey her husband in the Islamic limits. If a husband asks her to do some thing outside the Islamic limits, she shouldn’t do it otherwise she will be a sinner. As far as making chapati, you know it’s not even one of the obliged duties of the wife. It’s just a favor. :slight_smile: But it’s a mutual relationship. A wife should care for her husband’s desires and feelings so should the husband. Here are some useful tips.
Tips for a Happy and Successful Marriage!!

Ways of increasing happiness in your marriage and making it a successful one, Insha Allah Talaa.

May Allah Talaa bless you all, Ameen!! The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
**Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often

**Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one’s intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.
**Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam

**Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one’s spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.
**Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations

**Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.

**Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse

**Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, “A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing.” (Muslim)

**Be Your Mate’s Best Friend

**Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse’s likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.
**Spend Quality Time Together

**It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
**Express Feelings Often

**This is probably a very “Western” concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one’s feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The “silent treatment” has never been the remedy for anything.

**Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness

**Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.

**Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past

**It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
**Surprise Each Other at Times

**This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.

**Have a Sense of Humour

**This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.

**Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements: **:wink:

Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution, dear brother/ sister, Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking. (hehe)

Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm, Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate!!

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.

If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.

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Re: should a woman change herself

Thanks for the replies. I am still confused but the above has really helped

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It is TOTALLY cool to be confused. Because marriage is one of the most unique phenomenon in human life. Here is why!

Marriage is a UNION.

That means, as result of the marriage, the man and the woman have to CHANGE. It is like mixing water and flour. The end result is???

both water and flour change their state. They CHANGE for better or worse.

The change means both good and bad but it is a CHANGE.

In this union or “Holy matrimony”, the man and woman bond with each other by shedding their clothes both physically and spiritually.

They then become each other’s “Libas” or a cover as stated in Holy Quran.

…They are a sort of garment for you [man] and you are a sort of garment for them [woman]… (2:188)

A garment that covers the weakness, and protects from others, and compliments the partner.

There are many verses in Glorious Quran, but this particular one is the LEADING ayah.

Before you try to follow Islamic approach to marriage (reference provided below), try to understand the contemporary concepts. Modern day marriages usually take two forms:

  1. Companionship only
  2. Companionship + pro-creation

#1 is applicable to a small but growing subset of couples who just want companionship and no children because:
— they may have had children from previous relationships,
— the are too old to bear children or raise them (children take a LOT of energy to raise)
— they are too urban, or too busy in professional lives to even want children

Most of the Islamic teaching may or may not address this particular marriage for many reasons. However if you want to follow this particular form of marriage, make sure your partner is FULLY AWARE of this. Make sure there are no plan to have kids, and keep your finances separate for the first two years.

#2 is applicable to most of the couples. And most likely a place where you will find your “Islamic” answers.

This type of marriage means that sooner or later husband and wife will decide to have kids. When they do, get ready for a TOTAL OVERHAUL of your life.

Having kids will impact both man and wife for sure, but changes in the life of the woman are GINORMOUS, HUMUNGOUS, i.e. VERY VERY LARGE.

There is NO WAY on earth that she can continue living life as she was used to during the bachelorette days. There are many physical and spiritual reasons for this change.

Physical reasons:

– Few months after conception, the mother-to-be needs special care for health reasons. It means reduced amount of work schedule, or no work at all.

– After birth of the child, the mother has natural tendencies to spend MAXIMUM amount of time with the new-born. Thus no outside life, no work life is possible without a HUGE stress on the MOTHER.

– new borns take a LOT out of the mothers physically, and thus she needs a lot of rest when possible. If she doesn’t, there are HUGE health consequences for HER.

Thus the mother aka woman becomes DEPENDENT on her husband and extended family for the physical support. And a good marriage guarantees that support.

Now you see the wisdom in the Quran’s verse 2:188.

emotional reasons:

– Allah has made us in such a way to increase and strengthen the BOND between the Man and the Woman.

– Woman knows that the child she bears is HER.
but
– the man cannot tell if the Child is HIS (only modern methods of genetic analysis can prove or disprove the fact).

Thus it becomes compulsory for the wife to assure at every stage at every moment that the kids she is “bearing” truly belong to her husband.

only then she will be able to get the 100% emotional support from her husband.

That means, she has to Lower her gaze (Quranic wisdom), Not make a lot of noise while walking, must quit meeting na-mehram when no-one else is around (Quranic wisdom). Cover her bosoms (Quranic wisdom) and the list goes on an on.

Thus she changes in a BIG way after the marriage, in order to secure the 100% emotional support from her husband and society in general.

The husband contributes to this UNION by:

– Lowering his gaze (Quranic wisdom),
– supporting his wife (Quranic wisdom) and helping her raise the children,
– Quit meeting na-mehram when no-one else is around (Quranic wisdom),
– Be modest in his clothing (Quranic wisdom),

and the list goes on an on.

And once the man and the woman attain this “Holy matrimony”, then guess what:

Their lives become “heaven on earth”, where they love each other, provide each other with tenderness and care, and raise their kids in a healthy environment.

However if after wedding, either the husband or the wife or both do not show the level of commitment to change themselves, then the marriage should end as soon as possible. And make sure 100% that no child is conceived in this unhealthy environment. As this will lead to a TOTAL RUIN in the lives of woman and man financially, physically, and emotionally.

Best wishes.

p.s. There is a good discussion here on this site:
Paradise on Earth

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Re: should a woman change herself

Paradise on Earth

Dangerous Qadyani website: Keep yourself away.

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Islam says use common sense.

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Pathetic. LOL

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Sorry did not know if that website is "tainted".

However the page referenced has correct Quranic references. I checked them.

Do you have opinion on the subject though.

~Love is SweeT~
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as soon as i read dangerous, i clicked on it the next second… lol.. didnt really find anythin “dangerous” in the website..

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Re: should a woman change herself

All that is asked of women is also asked of men. If you are having issues with your spouse expecting you to make so many changes, and he's not willing to make one friggin' change himself, then best thing is to sit down and talk to him and open up lines of communication - in a RESPECTFUL manner. And see where it goes. Most people, if you can reason with them right, will come around. But regardless, no, Islam doesn't expect you to change everything about you to fit your husband. If you're having to do that, then you found the wrong person to be fitting around...

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Don't you think exotic has already used common sense?

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Nope, not from the looks of it. Not yet (going by her posts).

The most overhyped food
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Isn't it a bit harsh on her. She wants her marriage to work, why else she would even take time to ask for help?

She obviously has tried to use her own approach and it didn't work. Now she needs an honest set of directions.

On another note, "common sense" may not work in complicated issues like marriage. A clear indication of this phenomenon is the high divorce rate so "common" these days. no pun intended.

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Since when using common sense and a willingness to make one's marriage to work, are mutually exclusive? Maybe divorces happen when people stop using common sense. And maybe, if people used common sense in choosing a partner, there wouldn't be such a high divorce rate in the first place?How about that for a wild idea?

In any case, it's not harsh at all. In fact I am encouraging her to rely on her common sense more. If she did that from the start, she would see that her husband is being nothing but a bully and conveniently using islam very unislamically when it suits him. The fact that she is confused and needs validation (she did not ask for a set of directions or tips on how to make her marriage work by the way) from random strangers for something so straight forward, says to me that she's not using her common sense very well.

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I think you make sense here.

Before marriage some people do not make sure if other person has potential or real bad habits.

Also if bad habit develop after marriage or revealed after marriage then a good simple approach is what is required.

If the idea is to keep the marriage for any reason then in this case or similar case, woman can help husband get off the bad habits. It will require hard work with some tricks. Make chapati anyway, what's so wrong in it?
I assume he is still paying the bills and chapati flour.

Same goes for husbands who may find wives having any bad habit.

For both, love, affection with firm position against bad habit should help.

A stranger cannot help completely, some good family members or friends may need to be consulted. Ultimately it is her responsibility to learn the ways how to make the marriage work.

All men and women must be somewhat capable in handling this before getting married.

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Re: should a woman change herself

Why only wife, why not also the husband. both of them should adopt a way that they should have a happy life. If it was only the women who should have obeyed then we would not see the Prophets and their companions working at home.

The Jail game