Should a girl's parents, siblings intervene in her married life?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family.

The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor. My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister.

The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best. The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom.

Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard

We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now.

My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fianc? and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fianc? and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other.

However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be.

It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her.

My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being.

The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

"Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

"Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

"I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

"Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

"This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family"

"It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

"I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

"I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside. My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs

Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie. I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family?

Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy

I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer. I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own

But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here

2

Dont think the guy will change

guys who marry girls from pakistan usually expects someone who knows how to cook run a family and be mums social company as foreign raised desi girls dont have such skills

career doesnt matter

Usually its the doctors who marry doctors and expect the girl to become a typical ghaar wali

Talk to your own family and not to the guy

talking to the guy will make it worse

only your sis or your family can change the situation as guys parents are sick and the guy is the dominant one

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3

Your sister to should take time to establish herself and play it cool and then discuss with a lawyer and police and charge him with psychological and emotional abuse, divorce is very common place now and a religious misogynist will never change

4

If your sister needs help we will help her, Also your anger and aggressive approach will hurt your sister further, there are support groups for women. Families don’t need to take action as we as society have support systems and protections
my wife used to volunteer with women groups

5

I think this is something your sister needs to figure out

6

I blame myself also, i should have made an effort to talk to the guy a lot more during the courtship period and actually even had the balls to have frank discussions with him i.e. what role did he envision for my sister in his house after marriage? what were his expectations precisely? I should have been a lot more vocal about any red flags. I blindly fell for my beliefs that everything between my sister, her fiance should strictly be between them, let them deal with it as it is their lives. As i interact with more and more people, i realize that elder brothers literally hound the prospective groom and spare no effort to ensure he is going to treat her right and this is what me and my elder brother should have done.

I feel my parents just blindly trusted and accepted the expectations from her susral would be reasonable and blindly accepted all the sunny side stuff, vibes they got during the courtship period. Let this be a lesson to everyone, do not trust anyone blindly, you spare no effort, action to ensure that people are exactly who they appear to be

7

As soon as I read, mother has been battling terminal cancer for 15 years, I knew it’s not going to end well bcoz no one battles terminal cancer for 15 years. They obviously exaggerated their struggles and anyone who exaggerates their achievement is often a narcissist.

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8

To answer your question – yes they should intervene if there’s signs of abuse. Sounds like mental verbal and emotional abuse.

9

Yes intervene for God’s sake. If he is sincere with marriage he will fix his ways otherwise ur sister is better off alone

10

I wish you made your presence known during the courtship period. Her fianc?, now husband, would have known he’s got men in her family he’ll have to answer to in the case their sister/daughter is unhappy.
Did y’all not speak about living separate from in laws prior to engagement? If he boasted to supporting parents and siblings, naturally the lady he chose to bring into his life will partner in these duties and goals.

I’d tell your sister to speak up and stand her ground. You said she’s living in United States? To man born and raised in the US? Yet still practices a joint family marriage? We’re in America. Don’t fear divorce if that’s what it comes to. Your sister is unhappy now, will be even more unhappy when children come into the picture. And the rest of his siblings aren’t married? He’ll financially support those marriages I assume. There goes vacations and other luxuries of life. Your sister is sacrificing more than she has to. She’s losing her potential in her career and future if she isn’t supported in her academic and career goals. I genuinely hope she’s able to take a stand and he stops treating her like a servant and the live happily. But divorce isn’t the end of the world. She’ll bounce back sooner than later.

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11

No. She needs to now handle this on her own.

Many comments come to mind. We need to start teaching our daughters how to select a husband. If the guy is selected for her and the types of requirements sought after are : doctor, American, lives with family, then you’re looking for trouble. What Pakistani families don’t understand is that a Pakistani physician raised in the US still living with his parents is most likely a childish, dependent and immature kid with a fancy stethoscope and good luck dealing with that.

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12

Very true!

13

Sorry to hear your sis is going through that. When such intervention is done with the aim of helping a couple overcome differences and live together happily, it is such a noble thing to do. But when such intervention is done with the aim of settling scores, irreparable damage to the relationship is the consequence.

I knew a newly wed couple, both were very talented professionals. The wife stopped working after marriage. Her husband said something to her along the lines of her being useless, as a result several arguments ensued so much so that both families had to intervene. The initial family intervention resolved the matter amicably. But the wife’s brother was not satisfied. This was sensed by the wife and she kept trying to cut her brother off from her personal affairs. Within months the wife got pregnant with her first child. The wife’s brother was quite rich and kept leaving voice messages to indirectly belittle the husband and his family. These were landline voice messages which everyone in the home hears. Despite several attempts by the wife to cut off her brother from her personal affairs, her brother convinced her father to join in humiliating the husband. As a result, arguments of the worst kind about money and status ensued between the husband, wife, and the wife’s brother and father. The marriage ended within months of the delivery of the baby.

If you have to intervene, do it with permission of your sis in reversible baby steps, and then too as soon as she hints you to back off, you should. Being a persistent bad cop is a high risk game. Sure it works in some cases but many husbands do not want to deal with such in-laws.

14

Never good idea for girl’s parents’ or her family to intervene, except in the cases of physical and emotional abuse. But again some girls’ and guys DO exaggerate their “issues” with their parents resulting in never ending interference and then ending is not usually good.
But the OP case, may she find peace in this relationship.

15

It’s great that you care but don’t do anything without the girls permission. It’s her marriage and her life afterall and she has to make the decision

16

Only when it is necessary.

physical abuse, girl needs support to work on her marriage.
That’s it.

17

Thought i would give an update. In the month of December, my parents spoke about the guys behavior with the people who actually recommended and referred him and his family to us. Unfortunately these two individuals who played this role have not done anything positive to rectify things and they are unlikely too do so so as they wish to save face that they recommended a screwed up guy to us.

The guys parents have not once lifted any finger or said anything to resolve things between the couple. My sister came home to us in January and stayed with us for 5-6 months as part of her USMLE prep. During this time period, the two stopped fighting and my parents pressed her to give it a shot and not give up on the marriage. During this 5-6 month time period, she probably forgot what it was like to live with him in person and she started talking and texting him on the phone daily and demanded that mom, dad, me stay away from her issues and let her deal with the marriage. I told her point blank that she is living in a fools world that if she expects the guy to change his behavior and that she is only feeling what she is feeling now because of not having lived with him for a while and it will all go back to the same when she rejoins him again.

She went back to him again after appearing for the USMLE exam. Unfortunately, she failed her USMLE exam and everything has come crashing down like fire. He has gone of the boil completely since then where he has left no moment to insult her “I thought you were a competent, intelligent doctor from Pakistan who was capable of clearing these USMLE exams, thats the reason why i married you, i feel so ashamed to take you out with me to visit my friends and family”.

His emotional, verbal, mental abuse has gotten worse day by day since then and she has shared audio recordings to confirm it. Its like walking on eggshells forever. He had the audacity to call my dad up last week and accused us of selling him a defective, faulty, damaged goods and that he only agreed to the marriage because he felt he was marrying a person who was intelligent, competent and fully capable of becoming a doctor in the US

My dad has now had it for good and even my mom (who was a huge proponent of once a Pakistani girl gets married, verbal and physical abuse or not, you cannot afford to get divorced period), is helpless to ask her to stay on in the marriage. He is considering not only getting her out of the marriage for good but also debating on whether he should file a civil lawsuit against the guy for mental, emotional abuse because he doesn’t want the guy to get away with how he has behaved during this marriage without any consequences.

18

take it from someone who dealt with this for 15 years, it’s not going to change. It may be ok now and then, but it doesn’t change.

if she has reached out to, you should help her become strong enough to take a decision. Don’t make a decision for her, she needs to own it.

don’t need to speak to the guy yourself (not at this stage). Help her with her self-esteem.

the problem with our families is that there is so much pressure in keeping a marriage… making a marriage work, we forget what is acceptable and what is not.

19

Don’t blame yourself. Sometimes (often) it is really really hard to judge these people. I know from first hand experience.

Your sister is young and has no kids, it’ll be ok.

Trust me if 40 yr old me with kids can get stalked for marriage proposals, she’ll have no issues (you need to laugh about this stuff).

Also, remind her and yourself, this is simply a test from Allah. I was never into such things but I have realised over the past 2 years or so, all this stuff is temporary. When/If she gets out of this chaotic relationship, she’ll be fine. Trust me. She will be more than fine.

20

Her confidence is shot to bits right now . She is now contemplating giving up on the USMLE route and thinking of looking at other options. Personally I would want her to clear this exam to give this bastard a huge shut up call .

Are there are excellent highly recommended tutors who have a high passing rate for USMLE students?