shorter/smaller weddings

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
1

while i appreciate traditions, i don’t think having a four day wedding is practical, especially these days. having numerous pre-wedding parties, then a mehndi and baraat and dinners and everything else is dizzying! a waste of time and money.

weddings can become ostientious and impractical. we invite everyone we have ever met in our lives when weddings should be something shared with the most special people in our lives. guests have to take out time from work, buy numerous outfits for themselves and their families, and work out gift, etc. for each day. even the cost of numerous venues, decor, bridal outfits, along with jewelry, makeup, and accessories with all of them is ridiculous. couples should be saving this money for their future.

i plan on cutting my wedding to just a nikkah and a walima, and making the absolute most of both these days; maybe even cutting both these down to one day and having a very small henna party or pre-wedding dinner the night before. either way, it will be two days at the longest. this way i can focus on making everything special. islamically, this is all we need anyway.

i went to an afghan friend of mine’s wedding, and it was like this. it was beautiful! everyone wore traditional clothes on the nikkah, and then western clothes on the walima. the bride wore green on her nikkah and white at the reception (islamic colors). pakistani traditions have so many hindu traditions in them! (red dress, multiple days, yellow flowers, etc.)

i know people think that shorter weddings have to be simple or boring, but that’s not true. in fact, it’s all the more reason to make your walima/nikkah more fun or creative.

what are your thoughts on this? have you ever attended smaller weddings? what did you think of them?

2

i think its a great idea :) Its not just about cutting costs, but also to do whats recommended and the more people do this sort of thing, the quicker the excessive spending on weddings will decrease. Its good because having multiple day weddings as a norm just puts pressure on people who can't afford it to live up to the standard so that people won't talk.Its an amazing thing to decide to do and a wonderful way of thinking :)

There are a few things though. Having one or two events may make compromise between families difficult. if you are having a simple nikkah, lets say at the masjid or at your home, and then you have one large reception afterwards, both families often split the cost of the latter event, which serves as a valima. That means a considerable amount of compromise between the families...the venue, how many people each side can invite, who pays for what, all of this. It can be extremely frustrating.

There are also some Islamic considerations...ive heard that its the guy's responsibility to pay for the walima to prove that he can support the girl. I'm not 100% sure though....

Also, having a pre-wedding henna night is essentially a mehndi, am I right? So having a mehndi, nikkah and walima really isn't cutting down as much as you would think. The only thing missing is a mayoon.

One thing though, lets not say all these traditions are "hindu." Can I not wear yellow flowers if Hindus also happen to wear them? If someone saw you wearing a yellow flower in your hair, I seriously doubt the first thing that would come to mind is "OH a girl with a yellow flower, she must be Hindu!" This logic applies to symbols which are definitively characteristic of a religion, for example, wearing a red bindi on your forehead or a cross on your neck. Otherwise, I can't even imagine the things we would not be allowed to do since people of other faiths happen to do the same things.

There is no concept of "Islamic colors" : yes, the Prophet's (saw) favorite color was green, so in that way, you may prefer to wear green, but I havent heard of any hadiths on colors that we are supposed to wear at the wedding. (if someone has, please let me know :) ) If anything, I dont get wearing white since we are buried in that color, yet Arabs now mostly wear white, and I somehow doubt that its because of Islamic tradition....the styles (strapless, spaghetti straps, huge ball gowns) mostly suggest an influence taken from the West, so everyone takes from something. imho, Islam spread so far and easily alhumdulillah because of its flexibility...i cant imagine that wearing red on the day of my nikkah is a sin.

3

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

hmmm....... i both agree and disagree with u......

i am anti all those zillion dholkis and pre-wedding parties before shaadi... like having a dholki at each relativve and family friend...... its just insane......... instead one major one is ok.

aas for mehndi its more cultural thing and not hindu tradition. shaadi keh ghar main aur afsoos wale ghar main farak hona chaiye. plus shaadi is a faraz... so i dont think celebrating it has any harm.......... but ya israf nahian hona chiaye. like u said about decor and dresses wagira.

i have attended short wedding....... they did their nikkah in afternoon at dulha's home (as the bride was a new convert and her family wasn't taking part in shaadi) and in evening they had their valima....... bride was so tired...... and so were the rest of the family..... i think it was a pretty bad idea. they didn't have mehndi or anything....... so it was pretty basic..... but too short

i am not sure if its true or not.....but isn't there a henna night in arabic countries too??? and in Islamic history.... there is incident where women used to go and sing songs with dafli/daaf in the home jidhar shaadi hoti thi.............. i will confirm this.... but i remember such incident where women got together before or on the day of wedding to sing.

but ya... there is no harm in having shorter shaadies.... but i think moderate amount is good enough.....

and ya calling guests depend on each person....... coz kisi ki khushi main shamil hona boht suwab ka kaam hai.... warna it is just so simple and easy to go to court and get a certificate....... if i have a big social circle then i will obviously call more ppl.......
Nikkah ka Ilan isshiliye hota hai so more and more ppl get to know about this union.

Timepass- December 2012
4

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

It all depends on a person's feelings and thoughts. I am all for smaller one-dish weddings with personal touches. Mu sister's MIL refused to have a big Mayoon/Mehndi event and insisted on a Nikkah in Masjid, Wedding reception (Rukhsati) and Valima. My mother wanted a milad and as we are already a boring family acc. to current times i.e no over the top singing/dancing/short clothes so we could breathe easy and have fun. So, we had a milad (with the closest family), nikkah and Valima. You can call that shortish if you want. Again yellow and green were given up in favour of pink, so my sister wore that.

Again, if you feel as if you can set a trend and try to curb wayward traditions, then by all means do so. No one can stop you! After all it is your wedding! Congratulations, BTW!

Timepass- December 2012
5

interesting points all around… but i think this must vary from couple to couple. for instance, i had a small wedding (about 100 people), and it was preceded by a smaller mehendi (about 50 people) and then an even smaller mayoun (at my aunt’s house, close family and bridal party only, so about 25 people). all three events were a lot of fun, i had a great time, etc. etc. definitely having a smaller guest count allowed me to do more for my guests at my wedding since i could allot more money per head than if i’d had 200 guests. i could also afford the venue of my choice, instead of having to marry in a banquet hall, which neither of us found appealing personally. but then my husband is european and he has only immediate family here so all of this was possible. a lot of it is location-influenced too- in pakistan, we have hundreds of extended family and you can bet they’d all be invited, and its the same for him in his home country. so being in canada worked in our favour in having a small wedding.

on the other hand, at my brother’s wedding to a lovely desi girl, i can already tell that won’t be a possibility. there will be at least a couple of dholki’s/dance practices, probably also a Quran khwani, and a jora takai, and then the mayoun (at home, most likely), a larger mehendi, the shaadi, and of course we’ll iA host a valima too. her family is quite social and quite big, and we have tons of family in the US (who weren’t invited to my wedding because i think its idiotic to invite people you don’t even really speak to, just for the sake of them being family, but for the sake of propriety will have to be invited to my brother’s wedding to “make up” for not being invited to mine :rolleyes:). and maybe its not such a bad thing… i mean, i think living in a place that isn’t predominantly pakistani, its really nice to have these cultural events and create the typical “shaadi ka ghar” atmostphere and really just go all out and celebrate with everyone. and in this case, i don’t think anyone in either of the families will view it as a waste of time and/or money.
but then again, we haven’t really started any planning yet, so who knows what’ll really happen.

so, in conclusion, unless i go through one of these larger, hectic-but-fun-sounding affairs with my bro, i’m not really going to be able to formulate a rock solid opinion on which one i prefer.

also, as an aside, i think following the islamic wedding “rules” only applies if you’re actually a practicing muslim before, and after, the wedding. sometimes people pull out these reasons, but then they don’t really practice islamic rules elsewhere in their lives and i just dont see the point of that. i think its best to do your best to be a good muslim in all areas of your life including your wedding day, and not just do your best on your wedding day alone :slight_smile:

Timepass- December 2012
6

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

i wasn't saying a bride should only wear green and white, but just pointing out that red is a religious bridal color for hindus. anyway, i think that the fun about being a pakistani bride is that she can wear whatever color she wants! we have a lot more room to be creative.

somegroovychick, i see what you mean about "muslim rules". however, i don't think there is anything wrong with a less religous person having a more islamically inspired wedding because it's just more practical, and one doesn't have to be very religious to use the benefits of practicality. the way i see it, i would much prefer to things smaller anyway and if that is islamic, then it's just a plus. why not do something that helps me be a better muslim?

ideally, i would have:

-friday night gathering of some close friends and cousins to put henna on our hands and just hang out. sort of like a bachlorette party, i guess. something very small, casual, and intimate. i wouldn't have to spend much at all.

-nikkah + dinner party on saturday at my home for very close family. we could set up tables in the back yard and use our own music and have fun with decorations.

  • a sunday walima at a reception venue where we would invite more people, no more than 200 hopefully. ideally, the cost could be split, such as the groom's side paying for the food and venue, and my side paying for my dress, jewelry, decorations, and entertainment.this may or not be easy, we'll see. =]

i know this is not something that everyone can do, or even wants to do. it definitely depends on the couple/family. i think it will be easier for me since i'm not that close to extended family anyway, so i won't feel bad about not inviting them. however, i can see how this may be difficult for others.

7

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

some times its not only abt what u want...i my case i have to consider my in-laws and their huge family (abt 150 ppl ) secondly both him and I are only son n daughter of the family (not the only kid though) so anyways both of our parents want a big thing. i would love to have what sgc had (100 ppl) but its just not possible with his family (we only have 50 frm our side).

8

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

Let people do what they want. Tumhara kya jayega? If I, as a guest, feel it is too much presure to go to every single event, and give a gift at every single event, i simply won't. If I were getting married, I'd do what I want... not look at topping everyone else.

9

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

^ but i dont think this discussion is about topping everyone else. i think its about finding whatever balance works for you and your groom. there are no set rights and wrongs when it comes to this issue, imho, there are far too many variables.

agreed!!

10

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

^ That's one of the reasons ppl are anti-big weddings isnt it? Im all for ppl doing what they want to do happily.

Yeah so, I think the opposite would be alot worse, wanting to have a nice big wedding but no one would cooperate. At least if u wanna smaller/simple wedding u can play the religious card... cant do that the other way around.

11

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

For my mayoun we had around 50 people, all immediate family members. For my mehendi we had 150 people. Most of them were from my husbands side who I had never met before and my MIL is very traditional so she had to invite every1 despite knowing them/not knowing them. The wedding had 400 people and the valima 200. Me and hubby are the eldest of both families so they wanted something grand.

Honestly I had the time of my life at these events but if I could go back in time and change the number of people invited I WOULD!! Smaller is always better financially and mentally for the bride in my opinion. The wedding was extremely hectic and I have never shook so many hands or hugged so many strangers in my life. Me and hubby hardly ate anything and there was alot of unnecessary drama with all the people and what not, especially the little ones oh god make sure you know what to do with them!

I would opt for a smaller and more organized wedding. Unfortunately it didn't happen but when it comes time for my sister we know what to do now hahaha

Timepass- December 2012
12

Re: shorter/smaller weddings

I totally agree with you. I myself want to have a smaller wedding because it's a lot easier financially and less stress of planing/participating in a gazillion events.

My fiance is the total opposite, he wants to invite everyone and their brother! (That's part of the reason I had to wait so long to marry him...cuz he had to save up money to afford such a big valima)

So we've reached a compromise...my event (shaddi) will have 150, his (valima) will have 500. And we will split the mehndi 50/50.

I'm only having a mehndi, nikkah+shaddi (in one event) and then the valima.