At what age should desi parents talk about sex with their kids?
Is the age different for girls and boys?
I don’t remember my parents ever talk about it with me but then again that was ages ago. In those days, it was normally school friends or cousins who would tell you the weirdest stuff about sex, mostly wrong. Different times. Now the kids are so exposed and it is best if they learn about it from parents and not from TV or friends.
It must be a difficult and awkward task…do you plan on doing it? Would you mind sharing if you have already gone through that phase?
I was listening on NPR the other day that kids whose parents are open about talking and educating their kids on sex have much higher chances of longer abstinence and healthy & fulfilled sexual lives.
PS. I did not open this in Life 5 (Parenting) because I am also seeking opinion of parents-to-be and also young teenagers.
umm depends on where you currently reside. desis living abroad probably have a hard time protecting their kids from bad influences around and all the wrong info bombarded into their immature young minds by the peers and media.
In pak it isnt THAT much of a problem but parents do need to address the growing exposure of the children towards this. The media makes sure they get to know. Even CARTOON NETWORK has some sexual discreet humor and little kids come up and ask what is this.
So for me the best age for both boys and girls should be at least around 10. Before that it would not be suitable for their emotional and physical development. Tell them straight facts about how babies are made. Make it sound quite gross. At least the real thing would seem pretty yuck to them . You dont have to tell them everything in one sitting but gradually tell everything in a friendly and matter-of-fact way.
Moral implications (islamic teachings esp) and social consequences should be fully explained. esp unwanted pregnancies, stigmas in society and abortions and all. The children should be made clear esp that pre marital sex IS haram in Islam.
Yes, I agree. Just telling the kids "Don't do it" is not good enough. Absitenance has been taught for centuries but apparently is is not working as teenage preganacies are sky rocketing.
I guess it has to be done in steps. The first would be the basics about reproduction and where and how we came to this world. Also tell them what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior if a stranger or any relative touches or talks to them in a certain way. That should be taught as soon as the child starts asking questions, usually around 5 years of age.
The issue is that most new parents are clueless because they were either never taught by their parents or even if they were it was "Don't do it"
yea i agree...for little kids esp young girls..inappropriate behavior by older ppl.. strangers, servants, teachers any1 should be clearly clarified. Child sexual abuse IS a serious problem. But only that should be taught around the age of 4-5. The rest should come in steps and gradually.
Parents still avoid this thinking it is very awkward. it IS really hard but better being a little awkward and telling everything than finding out your little teenage daughter ending up getting pregnant (well that is the extreme but does happen quite often now).
In pak it isnt THAT much of a problem but parents do need to address the growing exposure of the children towards this. The media makes sure they get to know. Even CARTOON NETWORK has some sexual discreet humor and little kids come up and ask what is this.
Just wanted to say that this is not true at all. Even without today’s media influence, the problems with kids (teens) often manifest themselves in ways that are much worse than what happens in the west. In Pakistan, it is a common misconception that children aren't exposed as much, while it truly is a problem – in fact, because things are so hush hush, everything happens in the hidden and often at very perverse levels than one can imagine. This is due to the lack of participation of elders in educating and controlling what goes on. I’ve only spent three years in Pakistan when I was a teenager, but the stuff I’ve seen there would even be rather appalling for someone who’s grown up in the west.
LC, good points, however, before this discussion goes off tangent on whether or not sex education is needed in Pakistan or only in the West, I would ask that discussion stays on teaching/talking it to the kids regardless of their geographic location. Thanks!
^hmm i agree it has been alarmingly increasing but still, it is easier to control the kids here in pak. As one has a total check on their little daughters and sons as to where they go. who do they talk to and mostly know the friends they have and their families. Am talking about till the age of 11-12 or till their teens. And public displays of affection and all the raunchy behavior is still not open to them till that age. But after that sex education is a must be it in pak or abroad.
while for desis settled abroad, it is more alarming as the child has a hard time placing what is wrong and right..and most importantly defining the limit. The more one gets to see open mingling, couples getting cosy the more intriguing it becomes to them, the more immune they become to it. the distinction b/w right and wrong fades quickly. after all 'every1 is doing it.' that's what they see . so parents need to be best friends with their kids and to tell them all the harsh realities beneath the so called innocent love or makeouts
Sex ed begins as soon as the child learns that "hey, it feels good when I do THAT" which means around age 2. You can choose to assist in the education process or you can completely ignore it and hope for the best.
We teach our boys about things that are and should always remain private. About how their private parts are never to be touched by others. And what to do in the case that someone tries.
Sure, you can leave this education out until the child is 5 or so, UNLESS you send the child off to day care or in the care of someone other than mom or dad. In any other case, its important education.
My boys arent old enough for education beyond this - meaning education about abstinence, birth control etc. But we are raising our boys to be open, honest and at ease in talking to us about this, most especially because sex, as fun as it is, can actually end your life if you dont "play it safe". I mean, aside from the ethics of it all (that its something to be done with your wife and not something to be undertaken lightly), its actually a life-risking activity when undertaken lightly.
LC, good points, however, before this discussion goes off tangent on whether or not sex education is needed in Pakistan or only in the West, I would ask that discussion stays on teaching/talking it to the kids regardless of their geographic location. Thanks!
Sorry fg, I was trying to get to that, but since others are also probably going to invariably comment on the relevance of this issue in the west and not so much in a country like Pakistan, I do think it's important to emphasize that these problems exist there too. I distinctly remember my O-levels biology teacher not even wanting to cover the book chapter on reproduction and we were asked to go over it ourselves. Such is the state of affairs there... so the lack of a pertinent education in schools is all the more reason to take it up at home.
In any case, just from personal experience, I'd say parents need to proactively address issues about sex before the child reaches puberty. That being said, the actual education leading to that point needs to start much before. We need to overcome our hesitation in explaining the differences between the male and female bodies to our kids... and be more open about bodily functions early on. Don't tell your kids that children are born in flowers or drop from the heavens etc. - but make them appreciate the miracles of nature and the human body early on... I'm not saying at 3 or 4 years of age, but by the time they're 6 or 7 or so, they should be able to understand these things.
^LC.. i totally know what you are talking about. our olevels biology teacher did the same to us even though we were an all girls skool :) even in Alevels that happened. the teacher never taught us anything from the reproduction chapter. and we had a full fledged Option paper of 'Growth development and Reproduction'. Only till my med school did i see people referring to this entire thing as totally natural and nothing to be awkward about. This is a big stigma in our society. Parents need to open up with their children and tell them everything but everything in steps and at an appropriate age ..
n @funguy ..yes the topic should remain generalised but this had to be highlighted too :)
LC, I know exactly what you mean about Pakistan. My cousin tells me that he once asked his Biology teacher, a female, a question while the topic of urinary bladder was being discussed. The question was regarding the retention of urine in the bladder and he asked if any of the urine remains in the phallus (or penis). The teacher got very upset at him and asked him to leave the class.
This mind you was in 10th class where students are almost 16 years or older.
Well Sex education was taught to me at the age of 11(in school) my parents didn't ever speak to us about it, and me and my siblings turned out pretty alright
kids r kids they should be playing an being kids! after all they have the rest of their life to be learning about sex.......
As soon as the kid gets an understanding of what's going on around him/her. Probably 13-16. Are we talking about purely just one thing or anything sexually related. If every other thing then start hinting at 11-12.
I remember my father having the first talk about opposite gender with me when I was 11. He clearly & very nicely told me about certain things that I might be experiencing when going to school or how every other guy seems cute. He did let me know that it would be wrong & its gunnah as well. At the same time he also told me that if I ever liked anyone I can come & tell him & we can see how we can take it further (the most smartest thing to say on his part). It was when I was 15 when he indirectly referred to sex as well. That got me offended actually as me & my mom had indirectly talked about all this stuff after I turned 13 & I thought he didn't need to tell me anything anymore.
I don't think parents have to go all out & try to gross kids out of it because that is NOT possible. Even after such frank discussions for so many years with my parents I technically still didn't know how things were actually done till I turned 18 & that too because my younger siblings took sex ed in school.
What my parents did was let us know what was right or wrong & most of the time I remember them saying. You are samajhdaar. We have taught you about what's wrong or right. Now its up to you to make your own decisions. THAT is what makes a child/teen responsible for their actions.