It is said that the first couple of years (2-3 years) of married life are the best in life, in sense of love and affection for eachother …that’s the most exciting and loving stage for the married couple. After that married life becomes a routine… that’s when they say that, conflits, misunderstandings and fights take over, and mostly most divorces occur in the seventh year of marriage. But when this stage is over, the couple compromises and married life is *normal * again.
I don’t know, if this is only a saying or is this true ? I don’t want anyone to go into detail about their own personal problems, but is this true or not ? Did anyone go through these phases ?
I am asking as someone I know is going through her/his seventh year and I want to help during this stage and give advise as to help someone.
I have heard about that too.. may be human nature wants something to change at taht stage.. am in my first year..long way.. but one thing is must routine kills.. we may have to make some changes or adjustments to do away with routines.. seen a great old indian movie "Pati Patni or woh" of seventies about this topic .. where Sanjeev Kumar portrays a husband having this delimma.. great acting and story.. a must see..
This is a myth. There are no absolutes attached to the SEVEN years figure.
God created the 'spark' among couples for them to come closer, get married and procreate. When it starts to get boring after a while HE throws in kids on the scene to keep them busy. I dont have exact figures on divorce trends but i read that it follows a bi modal curve. highest at the end of first year of married life and then a smaller peak 4-8 years later down the line. Please confirm this & could somebody please post accurate figures. Thanks (Western and Pak data will vary)
Degas, How can we make adjustments & changes ? Is there any rule for this ? Well I don't watch too many indian films, only once in a while. If I remember the name of that film, I'll try to watch it someday.
Muzna, Interesting points. I do agree, it does depends on many circumstances and situations, sometimes the first years of the marriage are not the best years. Some even say when the kids grow older, leave the house, are successful in their lifes, thats when the couple feels, they are having their best time. Here we cannot really generalize.
In this case the couple is not having real problems, but more the wife feels "over worked". She handles a the household, their child and a job. The husbands does not really help around in the household. The wife feels she is not getting enough attention from her husband as during their first years of marriage, the husband in return is not getting the same kind of attention from his wife like before as she feels tired.
StrayCatsStruts, thanks but never heard that the most sensitve part of marriage was the end of the first year ? Where did u get your information from? If this is only a myth, then why and how was is created. ? I think there must be some logical reason behind it. I have noticed that some couple do go through tough time during 4-8 years of their marriage phase - I explained the problem of my friend on the reply above.
SadiaB, your intentions are good. The reasons you have described, & as trivial as they might sound, are sadly quite common in marraiges and may potentially lead to divorce. I think this couple could benefit immensly from counseling if they want to save their marraige. They should both see (before they call upon their divorce lawyers) a Marital therapist who's an expert in dealing with these matters. They will learn skills on how to make a marraige work. You should def encourage your friend to seek professional help in this regard.
Regarding the figures..we did a presentation on Marital Therapy as part of my training in medical school a few years ago, for which we were required to go through divorce rates and trends. I am relying on my memory here. I'll have to go down to the library tomorrow and recheck.
One thing more, to some the number seven signifies goodluck and bliss. perceptions vary. I can't say if there is any logic involved.
Goodluck with your mission :)
SadiaB, advice for your friend..please tell her perseverance helps and firm commitment that i must make it work , cos the easy option is to split but i think the major force in her life at this stage are her children
secondly the most imp thing is 3rd party mediation or counseling. someone to put everything in perspective and to help set the priorities.
And also the couples desire to make things work. i think thats the key.
If someone is living out of Pakistan then its much easier to get dissatisfied as its obvious that after that long in any relationship boredom seeps in , but on tv & on chat shows the women eagerly talk about leaving your man and opting for someone more dynamic and hence paving the feeling of dissatisfation, on the other hand in pakistan women repress their feelings , over here it all comes out into open.
Tell the girl that she should not be swayed by these negative emotions and start doing things togethr that they used to do in the early days of marriage, eg movies , eating out etc
Shahreen, I am a medical doctor and a student of Psychiatry. The references I can give you are all techincal. Is that ok with you?
SaadiaB i think ur friend should have nothing to worry about if he/she has an understanding with their spouse. Marriage requires both partners to be sincere towards each other and to value their relationship. its just a myth that divorce occurs after or somehwere around the 7th yr of the marriage. it can happen anytime if the 2 dont learn to appreciate each other and to compromise, and by compromising i dont mean that the lady has to bow her head all the time to please her man No! i mean that both need to bend a bit in order to keep their marriage going.
As far as the first 2 years being the best is concerned then i think the first 2 years are what form the basic foundations of a marriage. I donno why people tend to go for these time myths. It doesn't work this way.
The basic idea is for the 2 to love each and other and to be able to appreciate and accept each others strengths and weaknesses, weaknesses for the most part.
For a marriage to be happy thruout, the most important thing is for the 2 to communicate. Make everything clear, mostly Pakistani women tend to spend their married lives trying to please their husbands and saying they r happy doing what their husbands want, which in teh long run leads to problems, coz it all stays in her mind causing tension for her personally.
i think its important both communicate and tell each other what they feel about their relationship and everything else, and also give each other the respect they deserve, and try inventing new ways to surprise each other to keep the magic alive.
3rd Year of Marriage - is the one we are going through. But I have realized that it also depends how & where u live - under what circumstances one is living in etc etc.
We live an isolated life - as I moved out of UK - so I am away from my friends - my family living in UK has silently opposed my marriage & unfortunately now constantly pushing my mother to start opposing it as well.
So one more thing I have realized that the relationship does get effected by the people around you. I came out of that group of people to avoid all problems that I can expect from my own community. Now its my wife & me only. Sometimes it gets boring but then we are always there for each other. Factor of love & being in the company of each other plays a major role.
I dont agree with 7th year theory - I have seen people getting divorced on the 32nd year of their marriage (I couldn't believe but it happend).
What I have realized that most of the couple dont tend to have children even until after 5 years of their marriage - so when the child comes the problem starts as they dont tend to live a busy life. We did have tough time when our daughter was young - getting up twice the night & going to work etc etc was not easy - my wife unable to give me any time because she was always busy with Alina. At that stage she needed me - I have seen some couple getting angry at that stage & some calming down. Each & every marriage comes with tough times - it is upto individuals how they tackle with it. Some get apart some stay together.
But it takes two to tango - so when it comes to divorce its never one person's fault.
StrayCatsStrut Thank God, the couple is not in any point near divorce. They truely love eachother and honestly I don't think they can ever live happily apart from eachother. In case of divorce, the husband will never be able to live any second without their daughter. She is every attachted to her father and he is a very good father indeed mashallah.
I don't think they are near the stage where they need counseling for their marriage. I think the main factor is that the wife needs a bit more support & help in the household. She manages it all alone and she is someone who does not let work lie there, she likes a clean house and cooks fresh everyday, I think, work, kid and all got too much for her to handle alone, without her husband supporting her in the household. Plus, I don't think she is naive that she listens to those talk shows and sees her role model from there. I don't think any decent female would let her marriage life and childern suffer for her own "pleasures". I think you are right, they need to do more things together, like going out for a romantic dinner once in a while without their child, just like they used to do before.
Engel 4 Ever To keep the magic alive, sometimes it is easlier said as done. Of course, its only a myth, but its interesting why it was created - isn't it ?
Najim Sorry to hear that your family has not totaly accepted your marriage. Unfortunately this is our desi mentality. I myself hate it, when my distance relative try to interfere with my personal life. I have made is clear a long time ago, that I won't /don't like to interfere and don't value it if someone tries to upset my values and plans. If you feel that you lead an isolated life and want to change it, why don't you make new (desi, nondesi) friends? Isn't Holland full of pakistanis?
All in all I agree, divorce can happen in any stage of life and it takes two. I don't think we should take this seventh year myth so seriously.
Anyway interesting discussion, keep it going - I am learning some new things. :)
This is the first time I had heard of this "7th year theory". It might be another way of looking at, what is commonly referred to as the "mid-life crisis". I personally think that a man's (or woman's) personal life is generally quite entwined in their professional lives. Some of us may go through a phase, where we may feel restrictive and unhappy in our professional lives and at that point, switch jobs, change locations and do all sorts of things. Such actions can easily cause rifts and misunderstandings in the personal lives of the couple.
Its probably a coincidence that many companies in US, offer their employees a sabbatical after 7 years of continued service. This sabbatical is a way for the employee to go out and explore other options and then, if he decides, to come back, without losing his or her seniority and benefits (this is generally without pay). Anyway, this is probably off-topic, though might be linked to the same theory.
Personally, we are, masha allah, in the eighth year of our marriage, and have never felt any of the conditions you prescribed.
Your friend is probably experiencing the classical issues faced with most two-earner families. Where the wife works a job and also is expected to take care of the household and the kids. The husband is probably not doing enough to support his wife. Ideally they should seek a marriage counsellor, and someone (including the wife) needs to talk to her husband and emphasize that if she is working a job and helping getting more money in the house, the husband should darn well support and help her in other responsibilities and chores too.
It is called the “7year itch”. It is very true; it is like a hurdle that most couples in the west cross. Tons of studies have been conducted on this, most find that Women get itchier than men, and fanaticize more on leaving their husbands than men do. The reasons for this itch are varied, but it affects most married couples.
In most behavioral psychology literature, it is stated that the 7 year itch can happen anytime during the 4th and 7th year of marriage.
Here’s a web resource that discusses the proverbial seven years’ itch. Also explains Marital Discord and Therapy. The focus is on Indian Society therefore its somewhat more relevant than western sources. It covers almost all the topics we have discussed above. Hope it helps
Well - Saadia - my marriage is obviously accepted by my family (I mean my parents & siblings) - its extended family making problems. You know chicken slipped from the hand & now annoying the hen - :)
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by NYAhmadi: *
It is called the “7year itch”. It is very true; it is like a hurdle that most couples in the west cross. Tons of studies have been conducted on this, most find that Women get itchier than men, and fanaticize more on leaving their husbands than men do. The reasons for this itch are varied, but it affects most married couples.
In most behavioral psychology literature, it is stated that the 7 year itch can happen anytime during the 4th and 7th year of marriage.
[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the information NYA jee! I knew there was something behind this. I wonder if this is the reason why so many ppl get divorced ?
Do you think that female get over this stage and the level of relationship becomes stable again ?
