Setting Limits

[amana]

So how do those of you whose parents or in-laws live with you set limits? It seems that a lot of the complaints that people have occur because no one sets limits or personal boundaries. Do you have house rules that everyone is required to follow? Do you have a TV schedule or kitchen schedule so that everyone is accomodated? How do you handle discipline - do the parents or grandparents have the last word? Do you ever have family meetings?

The in-laws are thinking about moving in with us again, and the system that we had last time is simply not going to work this time, so we are looking for a way to set some clear guidelines and expectations up front, without being rude.

[TLK]

Re: Setting Limits

Our rule is only one. The one who can take the responsibilty of the consequences is the one who is incharge

That leaves my wife incharge of running the house. She lovingly takes care of my mother, me and kids. We support her every which way.

For all other domestic affairs, my word gets the repect.

Where does that leave my mother. We always ask for her advice, and in turn most of the time, she just gives us her blessings and ask us to carry on with what we think is good

Every now and then, her age old experience comes in handy and she does give us some advice, and we follow that most of the time

Point is this that evry adult in the family should feel that they are required part and add value in the family, whether or not they run the show

Its not about setting the limits or rules, its about following the prinicples and values.

We find that it worked out great.

For TV/Kitchen/computer time, we are very flexible. Mother has a TV in her room as she watches GEO/ARY. Living room TV has basic cable so me/wife and daughter watches HGTV, food tv, history or disney channel, every now and then

[Submission_To_Peace]

Re: Setting Limits

^ Well said brother, after reading your post I don't have much to add.

One rule if followed by ANY one member of the family can solve alot of problems.

Think of what we can "give" to other members of our family and how can we make their life comfortable by not "expecting anything" in return and leaving the "reward" of our sacrifices and compromises to Allah. (who gives better reward than everyone, in this world and hereafter).

[STONECOLD]

Re: Setting Limits

Truely you are blessed brother!

[fghd]

Re: Setting Limits

@amana

So how do those of you whose parents or in-laws live with you set limits? It seems that a lot of the complaints that people have occur because no one sets limits or personal boundaries. **Do you have house rules that everyone is required to follow? Do you have a TV schedule or kitchen schedule so that everyone is accomodated? How do you handle discipline - do the parents or grandparents have the last word? Do you ever have family meetings? **

I believe these kind of rules are best to be applied when kids are still kids n immature. Once a person bcome mature he/she sets boundries him/herself instead of parents or anyone u r living with.

My parents disciplined me when it was needed and now since I live alone, I surely know what are my boundries n limits n I set em up n follow them. My parents trust me with their eyes closed and Alhamdullilah not once I have broken their trust. If i do something out of their expectation I make sure that I tell them my reasoning behind and ask their guidance as well :k:

About living with in-laws, I can’t really comment

[Princess_Fiona]

Re: Setting Limits

^ agree with MM (maybe for the first time i think :D)
As far as it goes with me.. Yaar iam 20 years old, have seen enough world by this age to decide my good and bad, and i think my parents also understand this very well, so there are no rules or regulations for me in my parents house.... (This doesn't mean they don't stop me from doing something they don't think is right for me or i don't ask their permission about something... I am accountable for everything i do or decide, and if my parents ask me for the reason of doing a certain thing i have to make sure i have a proper reason for it)... and about in-laws , even though iam not married or engaged but i expect it to be the same once i get married, cause my M and F in law will be like my parents...

[fghd]

Re: Setting Limits

@Princess_Fiona

^ agree with** MM** (maybe for the first time i think :D)
As far as it goes with me.. Yaar iam 20 years old, have seen enough world by this age to decide my good and bad, and i think my parents also understand this very well, so there are no rules or regulations for me in my parents house… (This doesn’t mean they don’t stop me from doing something they don’t think is right for me or i don’t ask their permission about something… I am accountable for everything i do or decide, and if my parents ask me for the reason of doing a certain thing i have to make sure i have a proper reason for it)… and about in-laws , even though iam not married or engaged but i expect it to be the same once i get married, cause my M and F in law will be like my parents…

Its EMM

n u agree for the first time only b/c I give words of wisdom very seldom :roman: so cherish it for now:snooty:

[Princess_Fiona]

Re: Setting Limits

^ yeah words of wisdom and hearing it from u .. i think it is a good reason to be shocked
btw iam proud of u.. let these words of wisdom come out of u more often

[amana]

Re: Setting Limits

Thanks for all of the advice. Br. Tariq, it sounds like you really have an ideal living situation. You and your family are very fortunate.

EMM, great advice - and this is what we try to impart to our kids - but unfortunately we have a situation where the adults hae trouble with the limitations.

I should have gone into detail a little more. We have been in this situation before, and basically I was expected to cook, serve, and clean, and my FIL expected to have the final word on everything, including what we are having for dinner. He also wanted to run the finances and have the final say on who went where and when. He retired early and has nothing to do with his time now. We encourage him to volunteer, but he isn't interested.

When I was younger and newly married, I was much more accomodating than I am willing to be at this point. I work between part and full-time hours, and have four kids, I also volunteer a lot. This doesn't leave me with the time to cook big meals twice a day, and my girls are also too busy to take that over on a daily basis.

We tried to explain exactly what the living situation would be, and that we would need them to be accomodating to a certain extent, and that if they plan to move here then my MIL will have to help with the cooking and so on (she does so regularly at home, but is 'retired' at my house). We run our house on a very tight schedule with strict rules, and everyone in the house has responsibilties. Unfortunately, the in-laws have said that we need to adjust to their routines when they arrive.

[XGamer]

Re: Setting Limits

Thanks for all of the advice. Br. Tariq, it sounds like you really have an ideal living situation. You and your family are very fortunate.

EMM, great advice - and this is what we try to impart to our kids - but unfortunately we have a situation where the adults hae trouble with the limitations.

I should have gone into detail a little more. We have been in this situation before, and basically I was expected to cook, serve, and clean, and my FIL expected to have the final word on everything, including what we are having for dinner. He also wanted to run the finances and have the final say on who went where and when. He retired early and has nothing to do with his time now. We encourage him to volunteer, but he isn't interested.

When I was younger and newly married, I was much more accomodating than I am willing to be at this point. I work between part and full-time hours, and have four kids, I also volunteer a lot. This doesn't leave me with the time to cook big meals twice a day, and my girls are also too busy to take that over on a daily basis.

We tried to explain exactly what the living situation would be, and that we would need them to be accomodating to a certain extent, and that if they plan to move here then my MIL will have to help with the cooking and so on (she does so regularly at home, but is 'retired' at my house). We run our house on a very tight schedule with strict rules, and everyone in the house has responsibilties. Unfortunately, the in-laws have said that we need to adjust to their routines when they arrive.

I don't know how far you are in the "negotiations" of the situation, but I would definitely suggest having your limits defined and being very clear about them from day one. Make sure that they understand your limits very clearly and that they know what to expect before the move. If your in-laws were guests, then it's one thing to give in to their demands for the period of their stay, but if they are staying in your house permanently, then they should be ready to adapt to your routines.

As I said, I don't know at what stage you guys are in this, but the thing that I would suggest is to consult with your family and setup the limits as soon as they mention they are thinking of moving in with you. When the subject comes up again, get them ready for what they should expect by moving in with you. Before it is finalized, make sure they have a proper understanding of your limits.