Okay so maybe its just me ( again) but when I dropped my child today at school I noticed that the white girls were grouped together and the Tamil together. These kids are only 4. My child is a anxious sensitive child and I was like that as a child I do not wish for her to be like this. I want her to be different .How?
Also she went and sat alone. I sort of cheekily asked one of the girls to sit with my daughter she just shook her head. Kind of broke my heart .
She does talk to a few people I think. But not in the comfortable Cosey way others girls are.
What can I do. Or not do evn.
She doesn’t seem too interested in having friends either but who knows.
First of all don't speak like this in front of your daughter or with anyone (white girls, tamil kids) I am actually mad that you referred to other kids by their ethnicity....DON'T do it please.
Second ...
Did you ask your girl to approach the other children....Seriously this attitude of people should come up to us, will NOT help her make friends
Next week when you go to drop her off, go up to other kids and politely say Hi and then introduce your daughter to them and say 'This is (insert real name) and she wants to say hi to you all'
Don't push her either, friendships get built slowly.
Yeah, u really shouldn't expect others to come over to ur kid and and be bffls.
Kids will be kids... my son went to the park a few days ago and there was a group of girls his age. He tried playing with them repeatedly cos he's extremely friendly... the entire clique walks over to me and one of them tells me to stop my son cos they've formed a group and he's ruining it cos they don't play with boys lol. My son listened, laughed, and continued to try and play with them. They eventually gave in and made him the 'prince' and now he constantly wants to be called Prince pulling my hair out..
Anyway.. my point is.. kids pick up things really quick.. i took the girls interaction lightly and playfully, i'm sure my son picked up on that. I know a lot of moms would have gotten defensive, one of my friends does that all the time. If u give ur daughter vibes that u feel bad for her, that others should make it up to her somehow.. i think she'll reflect that in how she interacts with others.
Or maybe not. That's just what i feel from observing. Parents who are overly protective or senstive of their kids from a young age tend to have kids that reflect that behavior. It's good to be sensitive about ur kid, but in situations where its required. Confidence is something we build over time as adults.. and as a child it comes from our parents.
you are overthinking this!
kids do group together nadz! girls do it sooner then boys… their grouping is usually based on their comfort level and sometimes that falls along ethnic lines …
its that age of discovery … 4 and 5 yo are beginning to learn about themselves and others … its normal for kids to group based on gender, ethnicity etc … they do it spontaneously and without malice (in most cases) at this age.
This is why its soooo sooo soooo important to teach kids at this age HOW to interpret the differences they are beginning to see/take note off.
you have a prime opportunity here to teach your daughter how to do this right.
Plus plz back off … she is 4yo. give her space to learn and figure things out on her own … step in when u see her going in the wrong direction or to help facilitate … without making it obvious.
there are many ways you can help her make friends if you think thats where she is struggling. asking a kid (who then reuses) in front of her isnt one of them. also plz try not to address others in terms of color/ethnicity … esp in front of her. (i.e. dont ask/tell her to go play/say hi/stand with the white girls or indian girls etc )
finally, many kids (including mine) behave quite differently once the parent leaves. ask her teacher about her social interaction, social development … share your concern and ask for the teachers input.
Ok maybe I didn't make it sound better.
I meant that it's strange how the group's we r that way obviously language plays a role.
Not necessarily.
I'm a fluent punjabi/urdu speaker since infancy; along with English and somewhat french/arabic. When I talk to any different 'groups' I am mingled with them like I am part of that herd. Social skills are not associated with different languages/groups.
Do some activities at home to overcome her shyness.. Encourage her to look at people when speaking......
For instance she is 4, so at that age some kids are shy or try to hide behind a parent, play a game with her such as, draw a picture together that looks like eyes and stamp it on your forehead - That way its a fun way learn to make eye contact in the most non-threateneing way, the point is, the sooner she makes eye contact which is good manners as it is, she will 'listen' and when she listens she will be able to communicate better with her peers and the friendships will form naturally
And have fun with this new going to school routine, if your kid senses your anxiety and 'heart breaking' she will have a very hard time adjusting to school. Remember school is fun and happy :)
Happens! We moved to a new state too a few months ago and my kids still don't have friends. Slowly, your daughter will make friends, In Shah Allah. You are lucky that she is just four still. The ethnicity thing is real, awful though it is. Once other children get used to the child though, they will integrate in all kind of ethnic groups. You are lucky that the UK has lots of desis so its not like they are not used to them. I can understand the breaking your heart part. My heart breaks into a million pieces still today everyday over the friends issue. I am trying to find them friends outside school.
Try to find a friendly mom at pick/ drop times, exchange numbers and arrange play dates. Its a start.
Nadz it's okay if your daughter is a little shy, some children have naturally shy and introvert personalities, and social skills are something they learn with age.
As a parent, the first thing you should do is to not make your child feel so concious of the fact that they don't have friends! Do not do this. Encourage social interaction, but at the same time, don't turn your child's individualism something so problematic and sad. As long there is some balance, it is nothing so serious to worry about. And like you said, she does to talk to people, so don't over think the whole 'cosy' interaction thing.
Plus you shouldn't have taken other child's response so personally. I'm assuming she too was only 4! You have to remember that you were a stranger (more or less) to that child after all, and it seemed like instead of encouraging some interaction between your child and her peer, you 'cheekily' just ordered her to go play with your girl. Well, kids are pretty smart and empowered these days, and they do like their right to say no!
Ok this sort of stems from me. When I was a child, I was very shy very anxious and very sensitive. I was bullied too. not majorly but enough. I was ' fat' though and that was the main reason for the teasing.
My child alhumdulilah isn't fat. Or even slightly over. She's 3 same size as everyone else. But she is an anxious sensitive child like I was. And I worry .I want her to be different to me. I gained confidence around 11. However I wish for her to be a confident happy child NOW.she is happy at school she does have some friends, but no group as such or a particular friend. She's slowly gaining some confidence, I just wish she were more carefree and happy than I ever was.
So yeah I know you are all right I should not have said anything to the other girl.
About this play date thing. How the he'll do you approach another parent and ask what? Most parents ice seen at her class, don't really seem at all concerned like I am.
^ The girls ur daughter hangs out with, ask their parents + one new friend. U just have to go up to ppl and ask... most young mothers are in the same boat and would LOVE a playdate for their kids.
Encourage and be happy with ur daughter.. everyone has a different sort of personality and nature. She'll grow into herself on her own, she's only 3 lol :) Also, didn't u just move from Pakistan? That's a huge change for a kid, she's used to a completrly different home/school/environment. Give her time and always encourage her to do whatever she wants. Praise her for the things she tries to do, talk to her about everything she does etc
Ok this sort of stems from me. When I was a child, I was very shy very anxious and very sensitive. I was bullied too. not majorly but enough. I was ' fat' though and that was the main reason for the teasing.
My child alhumdulilah isn't fat. Or even slightly over. She's 3 same size as everyone else. But she is an anxious sensitive child like I was. And I worry .I want her to be different to me. I gained confidence around 11. However I wish for her to be a confident happy child NOW.she is happy at school she does have some friends, but no group as such or a particular friend. She's slowly gaining some confidence, I just wish she were more carefree and happy than I ever was.
So yeah I know you are all right I should not have said anything to the other girl.
About this play date thing. How the he'll do you approach another parent and ask what? Most parents ice seen at her class, don't really seem at all concerned like I am.
some inherent personality traits you can not change nadz. Others traits come and go with time.
you can't force or MAKE your little one happy ... im not sure that she is unhappy? ... you havnt said she is unhappy. just anxious and sensitive.
It might help to very gently address the issues that you think are anxiety provoking ... repetition, moral support, patience and time.
why do you want her to be different from you? .... n some level you are fighting genetics, apple doesnt (can not) fall far from its tree and it definitely cant turn into an orange.
I was a very shy as a child myself and am relatively quiet as an adult. so what. im about as happy as one can get and went into a field that requires a lot of people interaction ans assertiveness. growing up, I resented anyone who made an "issue" of my being quiet/shy. my 2 cent worth input is ... leave the child be.
play dates ... start with someone whose name your daughter brings up in conversation. get contact info from teacher (or leave a not with the teacher to give to the other parent) or wait around one day till parent of that child shows up and introduce yourself. Thats exactly how a fellow mom at my girls school approached me ... and i was so pleasantly surprised and grateful for her effort!
you can also put a note on the announcement board in her classroom ... hi my name is nadz, im x's mom. we are new, looking to make friends ... anyone interested in a play date plz contact at ---- number.
The way I do it is that look around for the mom of the child my child mentions ( if not, pick someone whose child plus mom seems like a nice fit). Talk and ask where they live and ask if they would like a play date sometime. Really, I have had to make the first move the majority of the time because I am the one who is in the new environment, not them. Keep trying, there will be hits and misses. But don't give up. Look outside school too.
It's normal human behaviour that we are "attracted" towards those we relate to and that holds true for etnicity as well. There is nothing wrong in that.
Nadz, your feelings are valid. All parents want their kids to have friends. No one likes seeing their little one sitting all alone on a bench. Having said that, I think you're rubbing off some of your own childhood feelings/memories on to your daughter, which isn't necessary. I don't remember how much time your daughter spends at this KG daily or when she started but give it a little time and I'm sure your daughter will soon make some friends. Encourage her to sit with other kids when you drop her off but don't be too pushy. You don't want to make her uncomfortable or make her feel odd. Tbh just go with the flow and if you are too stressed about this issue or your daughter brings it up, then reach out to her teacher. They work with kids and know how to help them make some friends (usually). But honestly, nothing to worry about. I'm assuming this is your first child in KG, you will get used ;)
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