Self-Made

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I like to consider myself a self-made woman. I got through grade school on my home - parents never really helped. Got into college on my own, financially supported myself on my own. The rents give some help here and there, but usually I try not to take it.

Sounds silly, but I’m totalling what money they’ve given me, and I plan on giving it back to them ASAP. I tried to offer my current paychecks to them, but they wont take it. They just make bonds in my name if anything.

I’m a senior now in college, and as I look back, I wonder at many choices I made. Even though some of them may have been wrong in some sense, they were very right in another sense. I’m standing on a tightrope, bridging the gap between my schooling days and the start of my career.

I dont know where I’m going to be next year. I don’t know if my dreams will come true, or if they’ll go very wrong with one bad move. I dont know anything, really. Four years of college, only to realize - MAN, I dont know anything!

I dont know what it is to suffer, although I think I must have thought I did at one time. I’ve never had anything important ripped out of my hands, and hell if anyone tried to do that, I went after them tooth and nail. And I usually got my way. If not right away, then over time.

And I sit here now. Its 1 am on a Friday night. My stats book is open. The desk looks exactly as it does in images, except all the lights are dimmed. And I think - God, I dont know anything.

It scares me. I’m endeavoring to go into a field where people have been through a lot of misfortune. And I don’t know if I’ll be a good friend to them. I dont know if I’ll be able to help them.

Its exciting and yet terrifying to know that we all have some sort of impact on each other, and that impact we would never know unless the object of our actions told us. And even then. How do you know they’re not lying?

Its exciting and terrifying to wonder - who’s life am I impacting now? in the future? And how?

Did I make someone commit suicide?

Did I hurt someone to make them cry?

Or did I bring some noor into someone’s life - thus living up to my name?

So, I stand here. This year is a bridge I’ll cross sure enough. I dont know what lies ahead. I dont know what fortune and misfortune has been dealt out for me. And I dont know if I’ll be able to handle it. I dont know if I’ll turn turtle, or suicidal, or crazy.

I dont know much of anything. Four years of college, indeed.

So, have I really made myself? Have I really built myself up? Or has my fortune thus far helped me? What would life have been like if some tragedy had befallen me? Would I have the strength to pull myself together and plough through?

I need more strength. So, I can be a real self-made woman. Not the delusional self-made woman that I am.

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admirable. I'd suggest saving what you wrote to your e-diary, printing it or something. To look back upon and see how far you've come months and then years from now.

Those four years prepared ya for your next phase, building the person you are today, ready to face kal and parsoun. Isn't it great to have all those questions unanswered at this point in time, to have something to look forward to, something to push you, motivate you? Wouldn't be much of a ride if we knew all the answers before even going down that stretch of road.

You're only going to go from strength to strength from this point on. Welcome to the jungle, you'll be fine.

post ur cars =p
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PCG,
quite an emotional and philosophical post. but why? to me it seems things are going positive in your life, like you said, youre doing good at what youre doing, youre confident about your ability and are independent, thats a big thing. youre approaching the time where you’ll be out in the real practical world, on your own. you dont have to be on your own if you dont want to, like you said you have the blesing of caring parents, who are more than willing andf able to take care of youer life, youre brave enough to try and make things work on your own, thats pretty much whats reqd to make it all work the right way i guess. are you just in a phase of ‘i dont know’ due to being on cross rorads in life, not knowing whther the choices that uve made are what you actually want done with your life? is that whats giving you the confusions? and, what profession are you in?
im sure if one really has serious reasons to make some choice in life, they get throug…after all everything that happens happend cause it was meant to be…and, why thoughts like you may have hrt someone and so on…i’m missing some part out here or, well,i think one would know if they have hurt someone..so best thing to set it all straight would br to apologize to them, otherwise if something might have happened without one’s knowledge, the person cannot be held responsible…can they?
im sure and i hope you’ll be feelign positive and better and will have a great life ahead! :k:
:slight_smile:

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