Self-Esteem: Tied to Others' Opinions?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Low Self-Esteem Can Be Normal Reaction To Disapproval

By Jeanie Lerche Davis
WebMD Medical News Reviewed By Michael Smith, MD

May 30, 2003 – Is your self-esteem affected by others’ opinions? It sure is, according to a new study, which shows that virtually everyone – no matter what they say – cares what people think of them.

We all know people who steadfastly deny that their self-esteem isn’t based on the opinions of others, says Mark R. Leary, PhD, psychologist at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C. His study appears in the current Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Psychologists have noted that people in Western cultures “underestimate the degree to which their behavior is affected by their concerns with preserving face and avoiding embarrassment,” he writes.

Other researchers have speculated that a person’s low self-esteem or high self-esteem actually helps determine how another person feels about them – whether they dislike or like them.

Leary and his colleagues set out to determine what was true. In two experiments, they tested the effects of social approval and disapproval on 36 college students.

[edited]

The upshot of it all? Even those who strongly denied caring about others’ approval were indeed affected by it: Disapproval created twinges of low self-esteem.

“The results of this study show that social approval and disapproval affect virtually everyone’s feelings about themselves, even those individuals who steadfastly and adamantly claim that their feelings about themselves are not affected by other people’s evaluations,” says Leary in a news release.

“People underestimate the degree to which they are influenced by others,” he says. “It’s hard to know why, but part of it may be the American ideal of marching to your own drummer. We grow up thinking we shouldn’t be affected by what others think.”

The study helps remind us that perfectly healthy people – with perfectly healthy self-esteem – are still affected by what others think, he says. Occasional feelings of low self-esteem are only normal.

Note: This obviously isnt a cross section of society, but interesting nonetheless. smile

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munni ditch ur obese and skinny friends they are forwarding you silly articles...

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Munni, great article. Thanks for sharing.

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Its a view of the capitalist soceity, and so its very one-sided.

Why would any muslim who does everything for the sake of allah(swt) care abt what anyone else thinks about him ?

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by eemo: *

muslim who does everything for the sake of allah(swt)
[/QUOTE]

How many people do you know like this? That do everything for the sake of Allah? Generally speaking.

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i didnt post as a " i know lots of people like this " kinda thing,

i just wondered why you would read so much into that lady's article ?
not a stab at you or anyting in any kind of way.

And whats wrong with aspiring to think like this ?

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by eemo: *
i didnt post as a " i know lots of people like this " kinda thing,

i just wondered why you would read so much into that lady's article ?
not a stab at you or anyting in any kind of way.

And whats wrong with aspiring to think like this ?
[/QUOTE]

eemo, it was more a rhetorical question. Not at all a dig at you or what you said. Think of it like this...since you brought up the religious aspect. If Allah tells us in the Qur'an that, if Allah was not the Most Merciful and he gave man what he truly deserved, then there'd be no man left on earth, what does that say about how man does things only for Allah's sake? This wouldnt be the case if it is true that man only does things for the sake of Allah. That is more the goal. A very honorable goal at that. I think as muslims it is what we strive for, and whether we attain it or not, is something else.

I had this theory the article is talking about before I read any study or even read the article. So its my opinion I formulated from watching those around me, myself, etc. Everyone has a right to disagree, as its only a theory.

If anything it should be taken as a lesson, to better understanding the self, and improving upon it.

Sorry if it seemed like I was taking a dig at you. Not at all. smile

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i would continue, but why do i get the feeling you or whoever is watching this conversation , doesnt actually want to go down the road that the door has been opened to?

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by eemo: *
i would continue, but why do i get the feeling you or whoever is watching this conversation , doesnt actually want to go down the road that the door has been opened to?
[/QUOTE]

I dont mind at all, feel free to continue, either here or in PM. smile

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Thanks for posting the article.

As much as I know that I am a pretty confident person, I am now sure that there are certain people in this world that I allow myself to be influenced by. And sometimes that influence eats away at my self esteem.

No matter how strong a personality we may have, it can still be affected by those around us and those that we consider integral in our lives.

eemo is right.....true momins should worry about none other than Allah. Unfortunately, being a true momin is the hardest of all.

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interesting read Munni.

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very interesting..

eemo, i am reading..feel free to write what you need to say. I'll be happy to read that as well :-)

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Allah (swt) says he is the Most Merciful and and had he truly given man what he deserved there’d be no man left on earth.

Ok

Lets keep things In context.

Do you know the circumstances of revelation of the ayah? How do we know exactly whom allah(swt) is referring to here? As man , he could be talking about Man, before Islam was revealed to him, or he could be talking about Man, as in he who isn’t greatful of the mercy of allah and therefore has not embraced islam.

What im trying to say , is, we cannot extract a definite meaning from what your saying without knowing the cause for revelation of the ayah, or at least some conjunction or induction from Hukm Shari’ah to indicate exactly what that means.

Of course, this isn’t the case with all Ayah’s in the Quran, as some ayahs were revealed in the general manner and thus we can take their meanings, also, in the general manner.

When Allah (swt) says “eat and drink of your provision” we know that food is lawful to is, and When there are ayahs revealed that are specific, such as, “and do not eat the flesh of the swine”, we know that allah (swt) is specifically forbidding pork to us

(I don’t have the exact references from the quran on me this time, and I must stress that I wont be making a habit of this, cos it’d be sorta contradicting what I’d say, if I did. But please ask me if you DO want to see the references.).

The fact that man does or doesn’t do things for the Sake of Allah is not the issue here.
Should the whole world around you start committing Zina, drinking alcohol, indulging in gambling and so forth, as muslim we know that the whole world would be destined for Jahannam.

Allah (swt) as the legislator has addressed our actions , in what he has revealed. I.e the Quran and Sunnah, and what they indicate to.

“Know that they can not be true believers, until they make thee judge (i.e Rasool (saw) in all disputes from amongst them “ Al-Nisaa Ayah 65.

“ Those who do not judge by what Allah (swt) has revealed are from amongst the disbelievers” Surah Al-Maidah

“Those who do not judge by what allah (swt) has revealed are the oppressors”

“Those who do not judge by what Allah (swt) has revealed are the transgessors”

Allah (swt) makes it clear to us that, those who believe, i.e the muslims must judge by what allah (swt) has revealed.

Therefore, it is imperative, for us as muslims to refer to islam for the actions we undertake.

And yes this is the goal, but Allah ta’ala also reminds us,

“Allah will not burden a soul with greater than what it can bear”

This makes it very clear that the obligations upon us from Allah ta’ala are well within our reach

Man actions have not changed from the time of Rasool (saw) until this day.
Man used to travel, he used to do trade, he engaged in conjugal relationships, enjoyed leisure, he was born and he died and so on. If the muslims could live comprehensively by islam in those days , then they can do it today. Nothing has changed except for the means for these actions.

Yesterday Man travelled by Camel, today he travels by car
Yesterday Man communicated via mail, today he communicates via email.

And Yesterday the Kuffar, were the greatest enemy of Islam, and today, it still holds true, because allah (swt) has told us so.

But the whole issue about delving into self-esteem is very dangerous.
I am/was the greatest victim to the Self-esteem problem so anything I say applies to me foremost.

If im the kind of guy who likes to go out with Tracey on a Saturday night, then are you not going to be hurting my self esteem when you tell me that what im doing is punishable by Allah (swt) ?

And were I not to offer my prayers while at work because I was embarrassed to tell my peers that I do this funny act where I bow my head in sujood, would you not say to me that im not completing my fard?

Surely the pain of embarrassment is very small compared to the punishment I would face in jahannam ?

The issue of Self Esteem because very small when you start to link your actions to the afterlife. When you start to realise that you are accountable in the hereafter for everything you do.

And if my mate John thinks im a little queer because he’s never seen a girl on my shoulder, then the best of luck to him in the afterlife, because inshallah, allah Ta’ala will reward me with Gardens of Paradise and rivers that flow beneath.
And it is this mentality that is going to drive me forward and fulfil my task, NOT my high self-esteem.