This is my very first post of such a nature on the internet. I have read hundreds. None seem to share my particular situation; such is the beauty and pain of life.
I am a Gori, and have been with my Pakistani man for 4 years. We have a 2-year-old boy together. We were to be wed long ago, and the week of, he could not get his papers from Apu-ji. Everyone warned me against going through with the expensive wedding we had been planning. I did it anyway. I was depressed for months. I was in denial, still playing the role of wife; but without the status of a legal wife (this is a cultural aspect important to my family and many others).
It was not until this past February, on a cold, bitter morning that my heart was shattered. I called my partner’s phone, only to get a woman’s voice on the line. She claimed to be the ‘family wife’ and said that my partner had a week old baby with her…etc etc. It was too much…I had absolutely no idea. While my partner went on occassion to visit his brother at his parent’s, he had for months stayed solely with me; through pregnancy, holidays, everything.
After the shock, he left work to grovel, to beg me not to go. He explained that this woman was a paper marriage, his cousin, who essentially would allow the rest of the extended family come over. He said the baby was not his. Again, as the old story goes, everyone warned me. They eventually also believed him.
Why am I writing this? Perhaps because I am curious if this has happened to anyone out there; what the results were, etc. Do I trust on Allah only? Yes. However, I am only human, and I am curious.
Yes it has happened to many. Even to non gories , desi women . I posted story of one family friend a couple of months ago. She is still living with that drug addict and a liar. The world never seizes to amaze me.
Mariah im so sorry to hear your story. But it is a story that i have heard all too often.
Don't get pulled into him saying the baby isn't his. That seems like a lie. IF it is his cousin then the likelihood is that the baby is his. Seems to me he was with you and his parents pressured him into marriage with a cousin.
I'm just wondering have you met his parents/family? In the majority of cases desi families do not approve of a non-desi entering into the family. If it was just a paper marriage for immigration reasons then surely he would have told the woman he has a son with and was planning to marry?
The best thing for you to do is pray to Allah and also get to the bottom of what the marriage to the cousin is about. I think it will be a question of cutting your losses im afraid!
Im afraid you're not the first and you definitely wont be the last. I am sorry for all you're going through.
The only option is to cut him out of your life and move on. If you stay with him, he will consistently lie to you because thats what these men do...they lie once, twice, thrice, for the rest of their lives. Its a habit.
He married his cousin and the baby is his. You must accept and leave him. Why? Because you have a son who deserves much better than that.
Something like this happend to a friend of mine who converted to Islam. Her husband who was Indian, got married to one of his cousin to sponcer his family and never told her. He said he wanted his parents to be here when they have their marriage ceremony so they didn't have any legal documents, just nikkah to make them husband and wife. Four years this man led a double life going by just excuses as to why they can;t get married legally, why they can't have a child. He used her for her money, "borrowed" money to sponcer his second wife and parents. When he got caught with all the lies, his parents took his side and he left her and stayed with his cousin.
This happens way too much and it's horrible! I'd suggest you get out of this mess as soon as possible
Sad story, but are you married to this person or just living with him?
I will say that I am currently not legally married (was to be...) but am living with him. I will also say that several details are missing, although I understand and appreciate, however harsh, the comments on this thread.
1st- This woman was paper married to my current partner, it was not until 2009 that she came here. By then, my partner was living with me, with a baby etc.
2nd- My parents lived just minutes from his parents/family. I used to drive by and saw this woman, who I have by now identified as the paper marriage woman-she was always with an unidentifiable male of the same age (not any of the other extended family members I knew lived there)
3rd- It is easy to jump to conclusions. Perhaps even after all this disclosure, you will think I am rationalizing...defending my HUSBAND, despite the lack of legal status. He has taken care of me from day One.
I will say that I am currently not legally married (was to be...) but am living with him. I will also say that several details are missing, although I understand and appreciate, however harsh, the comments on this thread.
I was not trying to be critical. I was trying to understand the nature of commitment that both of you have had in this relationship.
Beacuse the live in arrangement is a taboo in our society, it automatically releases a desi from the burden of deep committment. In west, many people treat such arrangementa as seriously as any legal marriage, but not in our society. I know that its not your fault as you were not aware of the cultural intricacies of our society but I am sorry to say that he did. From his pov, he was in an uncommitted relationship from day one, and taking care of you from the day one or having a child with you do not prove that he was also committed.
And I was thinking that my friend's life was miserable only, she needs to read ur post.
Something like this happend to a friend of mine who converted to Islam. Her husband who was Indian, got married to one of his cousin to sponcer his family and never told her. He said he wanted his parents to be here when they have their marriage ceremony so they didn't have any legal documents, just nikkah to make them husband and wife. Four years this man led a double life going by just excuses as to why they can;t get married legally, why they can't have a child. He used her for her money, "borrowed" money to sponcer his second wife and parents. When he got caught with all the lies, his parents took his side and he left her and stayed with his cousin.
This happens way too much and it's horrible! I'd suggest you get out of this mess as soon as possible