So periodically, over the course of my time here…when someone gets upset they use divorce or second marriage as a means to I guess insult. As if its going to hurt.
This isn’t a rant - trust me. More of a question.
Why is a second marriage such a bad thing?
I am surprised - never hurt - when someone brings it up. Because I don’t view it as a negative thing. It was destined to happen and I am happy to say it made me a much better person. I have appreciation for people - not things. I’ve also learned so much along the way. Its made me strong so how can I regret it?
So again, why is a second marriage viewed as terrible? How do people think it can be an insult?
Is there a medal or sawab a woman gets for being in a bad marriage? Or a man for that matter? Are there Ahadees that show a spouse’s reward in the hereafter for staying in a marriage where he/she is unhappy and the mistreating spouse was not required to mend their ways? I’d like to see them. I’d also like to see Ahadees where our beloved Prophet (saw) mistreated his wives (nauzubillah) and his wives were required to bear ill treatment.
Divorce may be the least of likable things to Allah swt BUT…its not haram…its halal. Allah swt has made Khullah and Talaaq available for man and woman. He gives us the freedom to live our lives the way we wish and one example is how marriage is Sunnah and not Fardh on us.
Man is allowed to have four wives simultaneously and a woman is also allowed remarriage after her separation is complete.
So yeah…why are second marriages such a bad thing now?
second marriage has become socially unacceptable/bad due to man's bad treatment of the first wife. Islam has already warned not to marry another woman if he can NOT be fair in dealing equally with both wives. it's humanly extremely difficult, if not impossible, to treat all the wives equally [including time spent together with each wife] and Islam has recommended to marry ONE only at a time.
There isn't anything wrong with second marriage but I think people use divorce as a way to scare or hurt a spouse into obedience at times.
A divorced person still has that stigma in our culture at time, sometimes people seem to question the individual who is divorced, even though it may not even be their fault that the marriage ended. I think if there are certain issues in a marriage that cannot be solved with open communication - like physical abuse, cheating, etc. then it's best to move on and end the marriage.
Low people will use any insult to wind people up, usually an indication of their aukat. Second marriage shouldn't be used as insult. Sometimes things do not happen the way a person expects and people use such information to make meaningless digs.
I know you have mentioned islam, divorce and 4 marriages for men in your post but this collective attitude of ours towards divorce and 2nd marriage has nothing to do with islam. This is more of a custom in our region and bad influence that we have got from hindu culture/religion. Islam in fact encourages people to find a good match, get on with their life and get married after divorce.
Also most of the time people who are looking down at 2marriage are insensitive and have no clue abt what they are talking about and why? And unfortunately most of them are females
Reha, some ppl just need any excuse to be idiots, others are ignorant by choice, tell them to piss off. I no longer have the need to be accommodating ignorant attitudes or statements and tell ppl in a civil, yet firm manner of what I think.
"Were you joking? Because if not, That is a ridiculous/ignorant statement coming from an educated person ' usually shuts them up.
I really don't care if they get offended or go bad mouth me or cry because their wittle feewings got hurt.
Reha, some ppl just need any excuse to be idiots, others are ignorant by choice, tell them to piss off. I no longer have the need to be accommodating ignorant attitudes or statements and tell ppl in a civil, yet firm manner of what I think.
"Were you joking? Because if not, That is a ridiculous/ignorant statement coming from an educated person ' usually shuts them up.
I really don't care if they get offended or go bad mouth me or cry because their wittle feewings got hurt.
I agree with the above.
I also often wonder if women are insulting another woman for choosing divorce/having a second marriage b/c they're jealous. Maybe their own marriage is miserable but they don't have the guts or means to leave that start fresh…..so they put down another woman who did take control other own life in order to make themselves feel better.
^ Re last sentence, a lady who remarried after her husband's passing away due to illness was considered as not a desirable person for a prospective alliance concerning her daughter. This is in the South. People can be ash whodes and cruel.
I've never seen or heard anyone say second marriage is bad. Why would it be a bad thing? In fact, it is better to get remarried than stay single after a divorce. I don't see the issue with it.
marriage after divorce is harder though so remarriage where the person that a divorced person is marrying is decent and kind, if it actually happens, is a blessing. I've never heard anybody say that remarriage is bad but divorce has a huge social stigma even in the western world so forget about how bad the stigma is in desi society. The divorced desi women I know are not remarried not because they don't want to but there is a scarcity of desi men that would actually be open minded enough. There aren't any divorced desi men around that I've seen but quite a few married men that flirt or have bad intentions.
that's why I say what's worse a married person that has affairs and the spouse looks the other way or a divorced person that tried their best at making a hell marriage work.
My best friend of 17 years got divorced a few years back. Really shareef girl, got played by the guy's side (no one to this day, INCLUDING the girl + her family, can figure out why the guy divorced her. The same aunties that threw her dholkis and were her mother's bffls completely ostracized her from the community and started talking bad. It's been a few years since then but you can see what the situation has done to her. She told me a few weeks ago she was going to Pak to get married to a relative ; I was shocked because she had adamantly been against it her entire life. But she told me that she had realized that no one here was willing to have their son marry her and she would at least have a shot given her citizenship status in the US. It made me so sad. :S
marriage after divorce is harder though so remarriage where the person that a divorced person is marrying is decent and kind, if it actually happens, is a blessing. I've never heard anybody say that remarriage is bad but divorce has a huge social stigma even in the western world so forget about how bad the stigma is in desi society. The divorced desi women I know are not remarried not because they don't want to but there is a scarcity of desi men that would actually be open minded enough. There aren't any divorced desi men around that I've seen but quite a few married men that flirt or have bad intentions.
that's why I say what's worse a married person that has affairs and the spouse looks the other way or a divorced person that tried their best at making a hell marriage work.
You're truly blessed Reha!
I really don't think it holds that much stigma in the west now..
Many english guys are fine going out with someone who's divorced or has kids.. It's pretty common here..
I really don't think it holds that much stigma in the west now..
Many english guys are fine going out with someone who's divorced or has kids.. It's pretty common here..
I disagree. Maybe it's in my community but there's still a stigma. The girls I know that are divorced have had to go back to Pakistan to find someone or settle with someone significantly older/with kids if they marry here. Most guys that have never been married won't give those girls a chance here.
^I meant white people.. I probably should have worded it more clearly.. There is still a stigma in the desi community.. My brother just got divorced and being a guy he's not had to deal with too much nastiness.. I think my ex-sil is having a harder time.. I know she decided not to go back and live with her family in that same community :(
Most likely in western European countries it’s a lot more open minded but most of the conservative, religious south or certain red states in the United States are still a tiny bit more conservative than say the bluer states. But I remember reading a couple articles in the Huffington Post The Stigma of Divorce*|*Jennifer Cullen
There was another one that I recently read but can’t find(I’ll look it up again) that brought up some experiences of divorcees that are quite recent. So the stigma isn’t completely gone here.