Scared of marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I am already married in the sense that we are nikhaed and inshallah we are gonna have a rukhsati soon too but reading life forums, talks on the radio, tv shows, friends troubles I am SO FREAKEN SCARED of being married and actually living together. It seems like no matter what you do its difficult for people to get used to in laws. And it seems like after you are married little things become huge issues. And you know how you love your family where you love them but you hate them also…does a hubby/wife become the same way? Does a part of you hate your spouse? And then offcourse if you live together theres gonna be fights, major screw–ups, how do you forgive your spouse? Even if you forgive, is there resentment in your heart? How do two people go through so much **** together and still not hate each other? What about when they hurt you really bad? For example, about 30 years ago when my parents were friends my dad went out to movies with a girl and my mom was really hurt cuz she was calling him from another country and he wasn’t there bla bla but even now when she talks about this she sounds hurt. Even after 30 years. Alhumdulilah they are happily married but just sometimes they will talk about the past and i notice my mom still holds some stuff against him. Will I be like that too?

2

Re: Scared of marriage

I think being positive is the best we can do. Just keep you faith in Allah and instead of borrowing your thoughts from media and people, think for yourself. I hope that you will learn from other’s mistakes and will have a successful married life. InshaAllah.

:jhanda:

3

Re: Scared of marriage

Your mom and dad are the best person to talk about it all . There are many people who are happy with their married life , look at them and talk to them.

4

Re: Scared of marriage

no marriage is perfect u have to make it work yes all the fites screw ups wil happen bt u must establish limits that each of u shud stay in ... n also try n jus b happy and overlook little things dt r really nt worth fiting for. dont worry its nt that bad !!!

5

Re: Scared of marriage

no relationships are perfect. with friends, siblings, parents, there are always ups and downs. sometimes you will get on great, sometimes you may just want to be out of each other's faces. for the most part i think family and friends acknowledge when you need your alone time and give you your space. i think it has to be the same way in married life, you have to give each other space, no one can seriously expect two people to be joined at hip all their lives and not have some issues.

i don't think you can hate your family, yea you might be furious with stuff they do and say, have arguments but that doesn't mean you hate them and the feeling melts away - it should be the same with your hubby, but that's up to you and whether you want to feel that closeness to each other or whether you want to feel that he is some other that you can't stop holding the grudge.

i don't think that example of your parents is a good one - it involves another woman! lol.

but anyway, these are all natural aspects of life and relationships. i don't think there is anything to be scared of.

6

Re: Scared of marriage

Phat, each marriage is different. If you expect your marriage to be like others, you will be dissapointed. Mine is alot different than my parents or inlaws's marriage. You have the advantage of knowing your husband before living together with him. I thought this made a huge difference in our lives after the rukhsati since it wasnt a huge shock to both of us about each other's personalities. Pick the stuff you would like to avoid in your relationship and work with those. BUt htere is no set mold for a perfect life together so dont expect to follow it.

7

Re: Scared of marriage

Stop reading these forums ASAP:)

8

Re: Scared of marriage

phat, each couple is different...you cant generalize things like that. But marriage does come with a lot of responsibilities. It doesn't automatically mean anything bad. I have been married for more than 1.5 years now and can only tell you my experience has been 'so far so good!'. :)

First Crush
9

Re: Scared of marriage

marriage isnt perfect no matter what anyone tells you. its all about compromise, and undersatnding each other. dont freak out, just pray to allah for a healthy and loving relationship with your husband and your in laws. go with the flow...inshalla you will be fine.

10

I think because those tow ppl call it "going through LIFE together" rather than calling it ****
I think.

First Crush
11

Re: Scared of marriage

Anytging new is always a bit nerve racking and can cause anxiety and one being scared. Just take it as it comes. Each couple is different, exerience is different hence you may be a bit hasty isn making comparisons with your parents' relationship.

:)Take each day as it comes and hopefully you will settle in well to married life inshallah

12

You have very realistic fears. The first year of marriage is usually the hardest cause it doesn't matter how well you knew each other before marriage, you are now living together which is a whole different story. You are living with a new person who doesn't know your habits, you don't know what will offend/upset him/her, things that were perfectly "ok" when you were living alone or with your family prior to marriage is all of a sudden an issue .... it's a whole new ball game.

For this, you need patience and understanding which doesn't come easily to a lot of people. Some people expect changes in their partner overnight, but it can take years.

How do you work through it?

If the two people really love each other and want to make things work, then they will learn to forgive each other over these mistakes which blow up into huge fights. It is REALLY EASY to let the resentment build up inside you but you need to ask yourself if that is what you really want to do? Is that the kind of marriage you want to have? Everybody has a choice. Either you try and make things work by getting over these fights or you sit there and boil with resentment and anger, which is pretty much putting the nail in the coffin.

If you hurt your partner, you have to be willing to accept that you did cause pain and be genuinely sorry for it. I think that's the only way you can get past these things and try and move on. Like I said, when you love each other, you will forgive each other and focus on making happier memories together rather than pointing fingers at each other, causing more pain.

13

Re: Scared of marriage

You have to wake up every single day and work on the relationship you want to keep. Relationships are hard - very hard. But if you've got somebody on the other end making the same effort as you, it just becomes second nature. That's how successful marriages last.

cElEbrAtIons................
14

I've heard that alot, and I think in my situation it's true (or at least i hope it stays true inshallah).... i remember i went through a few difficult patches, it was nothing serious but just trying to get used to the way things ran there, knowing his habits and all..we get along better these days than way back then... i guess u cud say it gets better and better.. :D

anybody from saudia arabia here?
15

You can make it all exciting , and you can live away from in laws and nobody will mind either. Just get him to elope with you .

16

^ woaw.. kitni achi naik advice dete ho aap aaj kaal..suBhanaLLah!

17

aap kay pass ziada behter advice hay toh aap bata-e-a.
By the way it is a sarcastic comment not a serious advice , do not follow it.

18

Re: Scared of marriage

regardless of how bad of a day u've had, just let ur spouse know at the end of the day that you love them and give them a hug... its something ive made sure i do.

Marriage will always have its ups and downs.. but when u get time, sit down and laff about something silly that happened... and it will make u feel a lot better :)

19

Re: Scared of marriage

plzzzz shadi bhi koi darnay ki cheez hai...allah ka namm lo or kud jaow nadi main par lagayie to siyan milay doob gayie to bahador kehlaow gay....on serious note there are much worse thing to be afraid of int he world than marriage meri duwa apkay sath hai...good luck

20

Yes, take this advice and u will b fine, Inshallah.