Hot off the press - things are happening in the West Indian camp!!!
Windies consider appointing new coach
By our Ravi
Antigua: Already reeling from *yet another defeat in cricket, the affairs of the the West Indian Cricket board have been thrown into further turmoil by some startling revelations, brought to light by TheSourceNews ( a premier site for non reality based news service). *According to TheSourceNews’s local correspondent in West Indies, Mr. GanjaMaan Johanson, the board has decided to replace the beleaguered coach Bennet King with a surprise choice. The name of the new coach has been disclosed as the notoriously famous scientist, Prof MiggyLal Nathan from Pakistan
According to an official spokesman of the board, many candidates were considered for this job but no other came close to the stringent requirements set by the board. He said “We looked at many candidates like those Chappel brothers and Buchannan fella but none could compare with the boyish charm and Adonis like looks of Prof. MiggyLal Nathan of Pakistan”. He further added “Apart from his looks, he brings knowledge of both worldly and carnal affairs - knowledge that the West Indian players can benefit from as they know enough about cricket and can walk into cricket pitch in their *sleep *- which they do really well” . The spokesman also revealed that the Prof will be accompanied by his team of technical advisors and take charge before the 1st ODI is played. The members of his team included a star studded cast of stars from yesterday and today. Most prominent among them, the legendary ( first human to attain this honour while still living) fast bowler , Sarfraz Nawaz. This is followed by the well known Pakistani pace maker , the nimble (yet delicate) Sami and Fabio ( his hair stylist ). Other experts in Prof MiggyLals team include Babu ( ex toilet cleaner and chief tactician at PCB ) and Taufeeq Umar.
The Prof , who arrived in Antigua from Bombay where he finished filming commercials for Batas Trendsetter Chappals, when interviewed by Mr.GanjaMaan was characteristically humble and freely admitted that he was the very best in the job. He said “Given my facial features, it was a matter of time before I would have been called to help out any quality cricket team like West Indies.”. He further added that “As an added benefit, I bring to this job, my special coaching technique - the same technique which has made LalloKhet United an awesome force in International Kabbadi - the same dedication that has made Manghopir Lions the toast of the gully danda world”.
When pressed on the exact nature of this technique, the Prof replied “Well, Ravi , this consists of work based on ancient arts, handed down from generations to generations - something that each player in the West Indian team needs badly - *the Phainti *- yes the ancient art of Phainti, practiced by selected few at Police Stations and government schools - the same technique responsible for producing millions of well balanced, law abiding citizens in Pakistan. You see, the beauty of this technique lies in its simplicity”. The Prof then demonstrated the aforementioned technique by casually approaching Mohammad Sami , lest he become unduly alarmed and then beating him senseless in the true Phainti tradition. Sarfraz Nawaz then joined in and gave Sami some selective lashes. Sami for his part, was slightly startled by this treatment but fainted later. He was seen being helped by Babu and Taufeeq Umar ( recently back from Australia after boarding an incorrect flight arranged by Wasim Bari).
Later on, Prof MiggyLal also dismissed claims by Michael Holding that he ( Prof ) was a total charlatan and could not communicate with the players, and thus would not be able to change the fortunes of the team. In his typical nonchalant way, the Prof replied that he had made a conscious effort to blend in with the locals. He claimed that “No Womaan, Nooo Cry” and his Rasta hair style was coming up very well. On a more technical note, he promised to get Chanderpaul to remove the black markings under his eyes and to replace them with more pastel colours. He also expressed a desire to change the hairstyle ( with Fabio) of each West Indian player, specifically starting with Brian Lara, who he felt needed to part his hair ( after growing it) in the middle if there were to be any hopes of a West Indian revival! He also wondered why Lara needed to lift his bat so high as it definitely effected the crease on his shirt.
Reaction among West Indian fans was that of mild amusement. One fan, identified as Johnny, was overjoyed that the West Indian board was doing something to arrest the decline in their fortunes. He agreed with Prof MiggyLals Phainty theory and wondered if a death sentence could also be included for those players not playing well ? Other fans were far more circumspect about the whole issue and demanded that the government institute mandatory effigy burning ( if effigy available, if not then real player may be substituted) for those playing below their stated potential, especially if part of a persons Fantasy Cricket squad. All agreed on the need for new parting styles to lift the lifeless West Indian team - “Why not try perms ?” , commented another frustrated follower.
Our PCB Correspondent Adds:
As news filtered through of Prof MiggyLals appointment, an evil stench or even a cloud of nauseous gases seemed to hang on top of Gaddafi stadium. This was primarily due to blocked toilets and the absence of Babu the toilet cleaner ( now in Antigua) but also due to the fact that many Pakistanis were livid with the PCB as they would have loved to see Prof as their teams coach. Ex player and a self made expert on nefarious affairs, Aamir Sohail was at hand and expressed shock in the way the PCB had insisted on continuing with a non Pakistani coach, where such fantastic academician was present among us. He said “These west INDIANs have poached a perfectly respectable man and this epitomizes the state of PCB and I hate them - in fact I hate everybody”. He further added that " if only I had met Prof MiggyLal in my playing days I would have turned out to be a more mature and well balanced person - wonder what went wrong ?"
[TheSourceNews]
