Thankfully, everything went off well at New Delhi, phew Or did it ? 
Indian fans overjoyed with team performance
By our celebrations correspondent.
New Delhi:This evening as the ground staff at Feroz Shah Kotla merrily cleared away the remains of Indian cricket and a few thousand water bottles containing messages of love for the Pakistani team, , millions of Indian cricket supporters took to the streets of New Delhi to celebrate India’s rise to power in ODI Cricket. These displays of unbridled happiness came in response to headline news that India, due to 5 years of hard work by John Wright and some other Indian nationals, had successfully made it to “almost” the top of the TATA ODI ratings. The ratings have placed India on number 2, well ahead of teams like Australia and Pakistan.
According to Nobel Prize winning scientist Prof. MiggyLal Nathan ( TheSourceNews’s resident expert on convoluted mathematical issues) TATA ratings are an intelligent rating system that provide cricket followers with the true worth of any team in the ODI arena. Whereas the exact workings of the mathematical model behind this rating system is not public due to copyright issues, the system assigns points to a team based on wins against high quality opponents such as Madagascar, China, Philippines and Afghanistan. India, due to its successful records against such teams is naturally placed higher in the rankings, second only to the highly talented team from Bangladesh. When asked why teams like Pakistan, who beat India in the recently concluded ODI series are not considered part of this system , Prof MiggyLal replied “this is simply due to the fact that such teams contain people who are nasty and they bowl extremely fast AND hit the ball too hard and we in India don’t like that kind of violence , so there !”
Back at the Kotla, as the heavily satisfied fans literally poured out of the crevices and various holes in the stadium tonight, the expressions of glee and happiness were clear for all those with eyes. In expressions of pure joy organized by MRF and paid by Pepsi ( Yah Dil Mangay Aur) , many fans from the VVIP section set fire to most road vehicles in New Dehli ( including any motorbikes made by TVS ) , chanted “Pakistan Hai Hai” and duly chased their favourite players around the city while showering them with expressions of love such as old sandals and knives. In other displays of affection for their team, Ex Captain and Ex player Saurav Ganguly (still recovering from his crash landing on the Pakistan team bus) was “lovingly” thrown into the hotel lobby where the Pakistan team was celebrating. On impact, he bounced off the hotel entrance, crashed into the 5th glass of Lassi by Inzamam, then landed at an odd angle in fast and furious Mohammad Samis lap - causing Sami to pass out. Sources close to the team say that Sami is now under sedation and describe Samis condition as delicate.
In another location in the city, Shampoo Panday, an erstwhile supporter was ecstatic at his teams performance in the TATA ratings and described the recently concluded one sided series against Pakistan as mere nuisance where show ponies such as the one hit wonder Afridi and Malik were allowed to score runs to further friendship etc - he hoped that India would find a better challenge in their next series against cricketing giants such as Chad. He said “Chads latest pace sensation, Janja Kbwanja, whose fastest delivery was clocked at 35Kph was a sight to see and put wannabes like “star kissing” Rana and “Henna” Sami in their rightful places”
Reaction from some of the officials at the Kotla were also quite revealing. Hariharan, the third umpire who gave Yousaf Youhana run out, was also happy at the TATA ratings, He said that “Whilst I am Hariharan, and a great umpire at that, and will soon be enjoying the use of the executive toilets at the ICC Elite Umpire panel, the fact is that umpiring is a stressful job. Look at today. I ate too much Daal last night at Agarkars house and today I had to answer a call of nature many times. The moment I went in, they appealed for a run out - I didn’t see the action so in coming out , I pressed the first button I saw - I think red means you are not out, no ? Anyway, the TATA ratings have placed India on the verge of a greatness and we the umpires will be playing our part.” While most Indian players were busy running around New Delhi chased by loving fans, Sachin Tendulkar was at hand in tax free Ferrari to answer some questions. When asked about his comments on today’s play, he replied that since he was busy planning celebrations for his 20989098th run in the next 10 years, he hadn’t given much thought to the game at hand but did wonder if there was a bonus point involved ?
Our PCB correspondent adds:
Back at the Gaddafi, Wasim Bari, who had been advised total bed and mind rest during this series was finally woken up by doctors - shortly after the proceedings came to an end in New Delhi. On waking up, he asked for a glass of water and some Rooh Afza, then shouted “Taufeeq” twice before passing out. A bewildered Taufeeq Umar, then read a pre-prepared press statement in which Mr. Bari expressed his desire for Pakistan to be included in the exclusive TATA ratings club and asked Taufeeq be sent to Australia shortly. Haroon Rashid who was busy cleaning his glasses was also at hand and dismissed the rumors that he had been dismissed as manager of the Pak team for India. When reminded of the little fact that the tour of India was over and that he had been sacked, he looked starteled and then proceeded to throttle Taufeeq Umar. He was later apprehended by the Punjab Police in Lahore - the whereabouts of Taufeeq Umar are unknown at the moment but sources close to Bari insist that he is on his way to Australia.
In other news…
Fed up with lacklustre performance during this season, the management of the famous Womens rounders team, the Windsor Barbies, have decided to sack their current team. Instead, in line with the global trend, they have chosen to outsource all their players to India. TheSourceNews correspondent, Noddy Green has learnt that after protracted negotiations with another giant in this arena, the BCCI, they have asked Team India to sign up for the next season !
