Salaam Chaps:
Havent written here for a while and with so much tragedy around, maybe its time to raise our spirits just a wee bit !
Here goes…
I will be back with a bang, Khalil assures PCB
By our explosives correspondent, Monsee Jan
Rawalpindi: Hot on the heels of Shoaib ‘Pindi Express’ Akhtars claim, Pakistans ex No 1 bowler and a man seen as many to inherit Wasim Akrams crown as worlds premier bowler, Mohammad Khalil, has issued a stern warning to his critics that he could well explode next time he plays for Pakistan.
In what is termed as a sure sign of assurance to the PCB and a warning to his insurers, Mohammad Khalil has disclosed to unspecified sources at the TSN, the fact that he is training hard with PCBs resident expert ( and toilet cleaner ) , Babu.
Whereas most people are tight-lipped about this gruesome prospect, sources close to the first cousin ( Phoopi’s side ) of Gaddafi Stadiums Chowkidar ( security guard ) have confirmed to TSN that Babu has put Mohammad Khalil on a strict diet of Daal (lentils) and raw goat meat. According to Babu, this will allow Mohammad Khalil to “gain the mental and rear side strength of Indian bowlers and the unhindered explosive power of Pakistani batsman”. Later on Babu explained the theory behind this training method. He said “Using the explosive mixture of Daal and Raw goat meat, it is hoped that Khalil will ignite enough gases in his local environment to propel him at a fast speed to the bowling crease. The ball thus delivered will be with great speed, even though the effects on the Umpire and fielders may be less than ideal ( i.e. fatal ) - it is also hoped that apart from knocking out most people in his proximity, the batsman in question will also be laid flat BEFORE the ball makes contact with the pitch. Obviously, the prevalent weather and wind conditions will also be of interest”. He also added that for this to work in total and for safety reasons, Khalil may have to give up his daytime job in the local Oil Refinery!"
Reaction to this news has been met with some degree of scepticism in most circles. When asked about this grizzly prospect, Aamir Sohail - PCBs expert on all unsavoury matters was categorical in his disagreement. He said “This Khalil is a $$%^&$$$ and his only use to Pakistan is as a $$$*$$£” which loosely translated implies a certain degree of disbelief in this whole idea. However, the scientific community, headed by the good Prof Miggy Lal, seem more predisposed to the success of this idea. In an exclusive interview to the TSN, the Prof. said “It is very clear that conventional methods of training such as riding bikes and appearing in Adverts with a fake smile have failed Pakistani bowlers in their quest for excellence. However, if our dear Babu can turn Khalil into a one man fighting machine, on the lines of an efficient sewage extractor, I see no reason to doubt him.” He has however warned authorities that use of any flame source in the stadium should be discouraged and that a fire engine be on stand by as Mohammad Khalil starts his explosive run up…"
Our Cricket Correspondent adds:
Wasim Bari, fresh from a bout of treatment at the Mayo Hospital has expressed keen interest in Mohammad Khalils preparations. While talking to nauseous pressman at Khalils training site, a clearly overcome Bari said that he was happy that Pakistan had created a match winning training program to match England’s preparations for this winters tour. “Inshallah - we will win”, said Bari before he and a few of the reporters were evacuated for gas inhalation.
Special Update:
TSN regrets to announce that above was the last assignment for TSNs special representative, Monsee Jan. In what is described as a tragic turn of events, Monsee is supposed to have offered Khalil a light for his cigarette, just as he completed his training. According to eye witnesses, as Babu yelled “Naheeeeen” ( translation - oh no - we’ve had it ), there was a tremendous explosion and both Monsee and Khalil were engulfed by a largish mushroom cloud - Police are still searching for remaining parts of the cigarette, Khalil ( and Monsee Jan )
Editors Note
During the writing of above article, Monsee Jan and Khalil wern’t actually harmed in any way and we do wish them both a long life!
welcome back greenaadmi