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First person with bat in hand is beaten to pulp by angry crowds
By our criminalized reporter
Multan: As the Pakistani cricket team escaped the confines of Multan stadium under a hail of strokes from across the border, it has come to light that angry mobs outside the stadium vented their frustration by beating senseless the first person seen with a bat in hand.
According to unconfirmed reports received by TSN, Mulla Do Piaza (an erstwhile supporter of the Multani Tiles Cricket Association), was on his way to get his personal bicycle fixed near Multan stadium when an angry mob suddenly attacked him without provocation. When contacted, Inspector Daoudynath confirmed that Mr. MD Piaza was indeed carrying a bat on the back of his vehicle, considered by many as an offensive weapon.
This coupled with the fact that the local government was unable to provide suitable inflammable effigies of Captain and Coach in time, made him a prime target for crowd anger. Mr. MD Piaza, for his sins, was very unhappy with the turn of events and complained of ill treatment from the crowd. He said “I am bald and I was wearing my favourite bright green Shalwar Kameez and proceeding towards the bicycle repair shop with a bat in hand, when news was received that Pakistan had lost the ODI series to India. As I went past the stadium gate, a large gathering of people spotted me and then gave chase to me. The supporters then attacked me without reason, saying that I roughly resembled somebody dressed in green, that they had seen in the ground!”
Mr. MD Piaza also stated that the crowd used very offensive phrases such as “swinging delivery khailnee aatee hai ? yah leh “ [translation: So you think you can face bowling under swinging condition ? ‘Ere you go mate umph] and “Oi Rana kee tarah short ball karma hai? Yah lah” [translation: So you feel that you must err in length to Indian batsman like Rana ? ‘Ere you go mate umph!]
Inspector Daoudynath also said that the police had arrested a few of the perpetrators of this heinous crime and would name and shame them at the earliest opportunity like – well - now. The leader of the gang, identified as Migbal Khan was produced before the cameras at the Multan Thana Police station. Migbal Khan, an old haggard of a retard admitted to the crime of beating up Mr. MD Piaza but insisted that this was merely a hunting accident and that he only wanted to check the label on Mr. Piazas underwear!
Our PCB correspondent adds:
As workers at the PCB headquarters chanted the time honoured sad melody “Aye Hai, Oye Hoi, Oi Babu tera kiya banayga ? ” (cover version of old Beatle song “She loves me yeah yeah”), it was evident that heads of all shapes and sizes would soon roll at this seat of power. Whilst Mr. Sharyar Khan was a little tight lipped and pussyfooted about the whole situation, he did promise to have a hard talk with his personal chauffeur for not taking the correct route to Food Street in Lahore.
According to TSN, the most immediate casualty of this catastrophe was non other than Babu the toilet cleaner and main strategy planner for the PCB. Speaking to TSN, Wasim Bari, the head of something very important at PCB announced that Babu the famed keeper of toilets at Gaddafi stadium will no longer be able to control the workings of this great cricket institution – he had now been removed from his responsibility of cleaning the Gents toilets at Gaddafi stadium with immediate effect – he would however continue the more insignificant job of planning for the PCB as usual!
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