Samundar-The Sinking? Ya Titanic No.1 ?
A tongue-in-cheek look at the prospect of remaking the super-hit Titanic in Hindi…
It’s been two and a half years since Titanic became the biggest hit movie of all times, and yet no Bollywood filmmaker has been ‘inspired’ by the film. Tsk, tsk…what is the world coming to now-a-days? When did Bollywood start setting such a premium upon originality?
For surfers disgusted with this shocking state of affairs, imagine what would happen if some braveheart finally decides to recreate the magic of James Cameron’s Oscar-winning extravaganza.
Raj Kanwar (he of Daag-The Fire fame) would jump at the idea of making Samundar-The Sinking! Yash Chopra would insist upon shooting in the lush greenery of Switzerland, never mind if that country is totally land-locked, and it would defy logic to have a ship sinking there.
Ram Gopal Varma would insist upon Urmila Matondkar as his heroine Gulabo (to offset Kate Winslet’s Rose!). And would make Urmi babie do sizzling dances in her bare minimums. Doesn’t matter if the film was set in the freezing polar Atlantic region!
David Dhawan would change the script a wee bit, adding a sub-plot about how his hero Jaikishen (Leo DiCaprio’s Jack in the original) is actually a millionaire’s only son, impersonating a starving artist in order to be near his beloved in the sinking ship. To further complicate matters, Jai would have a lookalike who suffers from multiple phobias. Confusions galore, and paisa-vasool!
Who would you like to see starring in our desi Titanic? If it is Govinda, he’ll want the film to be called Titanic No.1, for added box-office luck! While Akshay Kumar would like to call it Jahaaz Ka Khiladi!!
Salman would insist upon adding a scene in which he would take off his shirt before diving in to save Gulabo from sinking. His rippling muscles would look heroic in the freezing waters!
Shah Rukh would be perfectly happy shooting in the sub-zero temperatures: it would add realism to the chattering of his teeth when he stuttered “I love you..Gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gulabo”.
If Sunil Shetty was signed on as Jaikishen , the ship would never sink at all, because apna desi he-man would pull it to safety by his bare hands. After all, this was the guy who had given a whole new definition to “jail-breaking” in Anth (remember how he escaped from lock-up by literally breaking open the bars?!)
And as for the talented perfectionist Aamir, he would never be taken in the movie in the first place, because no director or co-star would tolerate his habit of asking for retake after retake in those sub-zero temperatures!
What about our glam-dolls? Juhi would manage to interpret Gulabo as a saccharinely-sweet girl next door, who would giggle even when poor ol’ Jaikishen was drowning!
Madhuri would wear her dying-saint smile throughout the movie, while Manisha would carry a dead-horse kind of puffy-eyed expression a la Dil Se!
And as for apni Raveena, she would turn down the role of Gulabo, and insist upon a special appearance dance number, befitting her status as the Chitrahaar Queen!!
Anari4ever