Read on this topic on another forum and was surprised to see just how many people would stick up for their wives or the Bahu in a saas-bahu confrontation.
Comments like “man should cut the apron strings”, “stop being mommy’s boy”, “be a man and stand by your wife” flying around. Mebbe it’s just me, but I felt kinda hurt reading those types of sentiments.
Hey, I know what hell a saas-bahu-nanand confrontation is. But you know, underneath it all, I still think the man owes more allegiance to his own mother, over and above his wife. Forget the damn nand, she’s only there to make things worse most of the time, but between mother and wife, if a man had to choose, I would respect someone more who chose his old aging mother, no matter what a kutti kamini bitch she was, no matter if he knew his wife was perfectly right. Just that fact that that woman brought you up, and gave you life… that’s enough for me. Mummy made you what you are; the wife came along after you were lifesize. Fine, stick up for the wife definitely, esp. if she is saying the right things and doing the right things, but if your wife said this is it, breaking point of our marriage, it’s either your parents or me, I’d respect a man more if he chose his parents. I pity the helpless husband in these types of “stuck in the middle” situations. They’re just so… pitiful.
Besides, parents r just alive for a little while… might as well give them good memories. The beta and bahu have a lifetime left to accomodate each other. So many families ruin themselves over these saas-bahu arguments, bickering, petty quarrels. Sad.
i disagree...i don't really have clear cut, concise reasons for you and it may sound selfish but i just personally feel that my husband should stick up for me...yes, his mom gave life to him but did he really have a choice in the matter? He, hopefully, had a choice in marrying his wife and it is she that he chose to spend the better part of his lifetime with....if you cannot trust your own husband to stick by you then in my eyes, that's a pretty sad marriage....
you say that he should stick by his wife "if she is saying the right things and doing the right things" but then you say that he should stick by his poor old mother, "no matter if he knew his wife was perfectly right"....which one do you want? yeah his wife came by after his mom raised him but i reiterate, it is his wife that he is spending the rest of his life with, not his mother...i personally disagree with you when you say that his mom made him what he is...your parents can only show you the path they perceive to be right, regardless if it is right or not...it is you who make yourself....
at the end of the day, if it was your husband and you told him that he had to choose between his parents or you, would you really respect him more when he says "them"...
btw ana, this is just my opinion and i do not mean to imply that you would issue such an ultimatum...i'm just using your words to express my point of view...
Yeah CH, I knew someone would come back to me with that typo but I was just being lazy to go back and correct it. Yawn. How was yer holiday?
Yes Tassavur, I am married, that's why I feel that way. I wish my husband and I hadn't made the decisions we made, and the part I edited out I should have left that in, khair. Personally speaking, I've experienced first-hand what it means for a man to choose between his own family and his wife, and it's not really that good a thing if you think long-term effects. Sooner or later, regret creeps in, and it's truly sad what it does to a healthy marriage. I figure, inlaws are old anyway, what worse harm can they do besides taking your life. Might as well let them have their sunshine whatever way they want, even if it means bowing to their every demand, especially if you have a loving husband who's worth it. If your man is a jerk, that marriage was not worth it anyway, but if he's even close to perfect, it's incumbent on the wife not to go and trample all over paradise. Sooner or later, you learn that when you bend with the wind, its gentler on your back than standing straight up and breaking right thru the middle.
Its too broad a topic. Husband and wife should always stand for one another. Everything else is petty and pointless. Husband should do everything to be on his in-Law’s good side, and Wife to hers. The petty differences come back to haunt you when kids start bonding with their grandparents. Sex (or lack of it) plays a major role in these idiosyncrasies.
Brother Chaltahai, one can be a Bitch and Kutti Kamini at the same time.
Situations can be different and one must make the decisions which feel correct at that given time. Different people act differently and also people do not remain the same. In addtion sometimes, an otherwise rational person can make illogical demands.
We should try to always use the head and make fair decisions.
why even stand up for one consistently? The expectation is that people are mature and can avoid getting into petty clashes.
as chlathai said, its a case by case basis.
However, just because the person is married does not mean he has to support his wife in all disputes or his mother.
So much can be sorted out if ppl just acted more mature in general.
as far as "me or them" ultimatums, why even choose. why walk around with the weight of the decision on your shoulder, let the person why made this ultimatum make their decision.
One of my friend's wife gave him this ultimatum, and he did the same thing..told her he was not going to pick because he cant choose thus he is not taking the ultimatum and not making a choice. If she wants to make a choice she can make it.
Frankly, half the crap saas-bahoo-nand fight about is lame, and in general due to too much free time. I have seen less issues in educated families where the woman are professionals or active in community etc. Boring ladies are fertile grounds for growth of disputes.
Heck if 2 women have picked a fight, let them duke it out. why be a referee.
Most saas-bahu fights can be easily handled by a strong man. He needs to put his foot down and let both parties know that he won't make any emotional alliances with either of them. Whoever HE thinks is WRONG, will get to hear from him. That works if the ladies give a sheet about his opinion.
I don't second Fraudz's philosophy that let the wife (or mother) make the decision. Dud, it's you mother and your wife, you better make the decision. I don't liek men who sit on the sidelines.
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*Originally posted by funguy: *
I don't second Fraudz's philosophy that let the wife (or mother) make the decision. Dud, it's you mother and your wife, you better make the decision. I don't liek men who sit on the sidelines.
[/QUOTE]
why make the decision at all? is that a decision one wants to make, pick his parents or his wife.
You are contradicting you own sentence that one needs to put his foot down and inform ppl that he will not be taking sides.
Picking one or the other is the most extreme type of taking sides.
if someone comes to you and says, pick either me or them..the onus is not on you to make the decision.
perhaps you misunderstood me. if a guy's wife comes to him and says, its either me or yoru folks. when i say let her make the decision is not that she decides on your behalf who it will be. Rather if she is serious in her threat, and you do nothing, it is up to her to either back off that demand or walk away since obviously you are not ditching your folks, and vice versa if its the parents sayign this.
The approach would be, I am not picking you, I am not picking them. we all have to learn to deal with one another. what she wants to do with her ultimatum is upto her then. From what I have seen, the ultimatum gets withdrawn fast.
The dude works hard, and deals with politics at work. Let the guy have some peace. Ladies should grow up in general and stop making it tough for these guys.
Imagine being a guy in a joint family type system, working all day dealing with all kinds of crap, traffic and all on the way back and entering into another war zone where u have to play an "unbiased" middleman who will not be able to please both parties. I think guys in those situations have it pretty rough. Maybe a study needs to be done to see how it affects them.
Not taking sides and sitting on the sidelines are completely different things. I am sure you understand that.
As far as making a decision between picking the mother or the wife, I think whoever poses you this question, needs to be dropped like a hot potatoe. They are defying all logic just by being stupid enough to ask this.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by funguy: *
As far as making a decision between picking the mother or the wife, I think whoever poses you this question, needs to be dropped like a hot potatoe. They are defying all logic just by being stupid enough to ask this.
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exactly, and thus one does not need to make that decision at all. I dont know about dropping someone like a hot potato but they should be told that you will not kneel to their demands.
Challenge is that people are not well versed in intern personal relationships. Even in family disputes there is no concept og give and take, everyone wants the solution which is optimal for them and a win-lose situation partially for ego and partially because they see backing off even a bit as a loss. With a little bit of common sense, a little bit of maturity and some decent communication you can have win-win situations.
But try explaining that to matric pass bahoos and middle pass saas that exist quite extensively in our country:)
Challenge is that people are not well versed in intern personal relationships. Even in family disputes there is no concept og give and take, everyone wants the solution which is optimal for them and a win-lose situation partially for ego and partially because they see backing off even a bit as a loss. With a little bit of common sense, a little bit of maturity and some decent communication you can have win-win situations.
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Very well said. Marriage in such circumstances can be a very humbling experience for the Pakistani Macho Man who was brought up with the belief that men shouldn't question the parents, no matter what.
I seriously believe Pakistanis can use some of this Marriage Counselling concept of the West. Do you know of any that exist in Pakistan?.
I dont know much about Pakistan and whether such services are available easily, even in pakistanis out here marriage counseling or family counselling is considered a taboo. I assume that in Pakistan it would be much more of that.
Question is, people who get married, are they really ready for marriage? are the families ready to accept a new member? People get married without really knowing how to manage relationships and deal with people. Some may call this extreme, but maybe a seminar that people have to take before marrige and before they have kids should be mandatory.
I do want to clarify that i did nto mean that this is only present in families where the ppl are uneducated or the women are home makers. I have seen ego clashes of the worst kind in educated families as well. Its funny to see how the same woman considers her married daughter a victim and oh so oppressed while putting her bahoo through the same.
Ana I think you have it pretty much figured out :k: but I dont know if I believe in submitting to thier every demand. I would say about 75-80%. Not only is this good for your marriage but it also brings good from Allah. Overall, a happy healthy life.
My In-laws are completely old fashioned so when Salman and I decided to live with my mom, all hell broke loose… but as they got to see that I was actually adapting most of thier beliefs (i.e. wearing zevair and covering my head in front of my father in law) they kinda saw the give and take relationship. I dont regret avoiding a confrontation with them now. Had I argued with Salman or them then, they wouldnt have taken the time to appreciate the changes that I brought upon myself for them
