But why?
I mean…it brings shame to the parents but how? Say if a boy was involved ..then is it shameful for the parents because the community thinks that they should have listened to the girl? Also what exactly happens when a girl runs away? Is it as bad as the parents make it out to be?
And surely if the parents didn’t want to be shamed in front of everyone, then why the need to spread the fact like a fire? I mean surely they can just say we have sent the girl somewhere or other ( make any sort of excuse ) and the sort the matter out before publishing it?
I mean, I understand that it raises question on the upbringing given by parents and all that but seriously…it just doesn’t connect in my brian
Any stories of people running away and the aftermath?
(I’m new to GS so just would like to say…I am interested in this asian culture but don’t usually know where to ask so that is why I start threads like this, this has nothing to do with my first thread and is just general question )
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
Running away is different than moving out - with or without their consent. Few girls that have moved out without parents' consent have faced tough times in the first couple years. Only their mom visited with the siblings and that too without the father knowing. It's kind of like being disowned. Later though when their life proved to be super successful and all was going better, the dads have more or less come around. Most important component is that there is no boy involved. Once there's a guy in the pic, it's a different story entirely.
It will never be an easy journey. Especially when you have younger sisters, the parents place you with the responsibility of ruining their lives, etc. But deep down when you prove them wrong, they do have an odd sense of admiration and respect. This is based on the scenarios I'm aware of personally.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
I don't think you can hide something like this from the community and I doubt the family announces it themselves. People are bound to find out the truth from one source or another, sooner or later.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
I don't understand why it is confusing to you that running away from your parents or family is considered a "bad' thing. This has nothing to do with being "American" as this is considered bad in America too. So I don't get where you are coming from. There is no culture in the world where running from the parents who raised you and fed is not considered a bad thing. As for the shame bit. Well if a girl runs away with a boy, it is shameful since you are saying that your parents did not raise you well enough to keep you self chase until marriage. Now I know some liberal hogwart will say "just cause you ran away with someone doesn't mean you slept with them" yeah, the guy ran away with you because he wants to learn knitting from you.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
I know that a group of people urged a girl to run away from her home 20 years back because the girl did not want to marry the suitor her parents chose for her. She travelled with her guy and a group of people from Karachi to Lahore. When they had a court marriag. So the guy abused her with the same group of friends she travelled with. They raped her and stuff. Why could she not fight back? Because she ran away from home without giving it a second thought and she lost all respect in her new home with her mother in law becoming heartless. Her husband said to her you must have illicit relationships before me so that's why you had no blood. That's what really happened. Now, that guy is married and that woman is a maid in her own house.
Running away from home is like you don't respect anything.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
Only 2-3 percent of desis pay taxes. Assuming 70% below poverty level, and another 20% earning too little to pay taxes, 2 out of remaining 10 pay taxes.
Or 4 out of 5 don't pay taxes. Against this backdrop, running away from home is not as big a deal. Young and stupid maybe. But not as evil. Not even close.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
Thanks for all the above guys, its not that I don't understand that running away is a bad thing and why...I guess its just that I want to explore the subject more because I don't really know much about it as its never really mentioned of anyone in my family.
Also, what about positive stories?
and isn't it true that when your in your teens, running away is the phrase used and when you are older...in your 20s etc...its seen more as moving away and does this make a difference in desi culture?
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
Thanks for all the above guys, its not that I don't understand that running away is a bad thing and why...I guess its just that I want to explore the subject more because I don't really know much about it as its never really mentioned of anyone in my family.
Also, what about positive stories?
and isn't it true that when your in your teens, running away is the phrase used and when you are older...in your 20s etc...its seen more as moving away and does this make a difference in desi culture?
By moving away do you mean for school/work? Because I hardly think that's running away. Mentally/emotionally.....perhaps...but that's another discussion....whereas the phrase running away, implies that you leave suddenly, leaving behind most of your possessions. No warning, no planning, nothing.
I had rough time with my parents as a teenager. My mother especially. The farthest I went was just walking around my block until I got tired/my walkman (yes it was a long tiem ago) died. and dreamed about sometimes...but ultimately, even in my angriest moments I Knew that would be going too far. Unfortunately, and yes it is unfair, the perception of a girl who runs away is....not the best. And if it's done in a moment of rash anger, the likelihood of bad things happening to you increases.
On the other hand.......if your parents are abusive, and really don't have your best interests at heart, as it appears your parents do from your previous posts....it's worth it to make it a cold calculated move, try to save up as much as possible and leave. but then that's not exactly running away.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
I knew a girl whose parents were WAY too overbearing and strict and she moved out right after high school. I can't remember if she told her parents or not but she moved basically somewhere by herself in the same area. Her parents were not too happy about it but eventually came around. That's not running away to me, that's called taking control of your life.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
You want to run away or respectfully move out?
Running away is seen as a bad thing many cultures and normal households. Heck even your hostel staff and foster parents would spread the word like a fire if they find out that had ran away.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture…
Coffeegirl: What is your definition of “running away”? Are you talking about a person (teenager or adult) who leaves without telling anyone in order to escape an abusive situation? A girl who leaves home and runs away with a guy without telling her family? Or people who move out of their home in order to attend school or work …and their parents knows exactly where they’re going?
The specific situation makes a BIG difference in how the people are viewed. As for what phrases are used…“running away” means that the person is leaving without warning and not telling their family members where they’re going, how to contact them etc. For adults who leave their home in order to live separately (to attend school and/or work)…this is usually planned over weeks/months and their families know exactly what’s going on. I have no idea why anyone would refer to a situation like this as “running away”.
Positive stories: I moved to a different city by myself at 22 right after grauduating college. Absolutely no regrets about my decision. I have 2 siblings moved to a differnet city at 18 in order to attend college…with full support from my parents. And my husband and his brother also moved out at 18 in order to attend college in a different state with full support from their parents.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture…
I guess just for the sake of what I am trying to find out…lets say its a typical desi girl and she has run away ( no mention to anyone) …
I was also wondering…when a girl runs away in the above situation then the parents are shamed right? what do people think of the girl? do their views of her change?
Like others have said, there is a difference between running away and moving out.
Only people that I know who have run away are the people in the papers who ran away and lured by gangs, trafficked, forced to have sex with nasty old men because they need a roof over their heads and some food in their bellies.
I worked on a project about girls that were trafficked. Their lives are unimaginably horrible in deplorable conditions. Just awful... If any one is thinking of running away, they need to seriously think about how they will continue living if they are subjegated by gang rape and/or forced to drug addictions and other types of violence used to break their spirit.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
I guess just for the sake of what I am trying to find out...lets say its a typical desi girl and she has run away ( no mention to anyone) ...
I was also wondering...when a girl runs away in the above situation then the parents are shamed right? what do people think of the girl? do their views of her change?
Anyone who knows your dad (according to how you've described him) will understand and secretly admire you for your courage to get rid of his absolute and suffocating dictatorship over your life. But, it'd be a lot more easier for them to be respectable of your decision if they knew you were brave and looked at your dad in the eye to tell him of your decision. Scary I know but doable. Even your dad will shake inside by your strength and determination.
Running away is percieved as bad in all cultures, not just to desis.
Paheli00 got it spot on. Running away from your problems/work/life etc is immature and childish - which is why mostly teens do this. As an adult, you come to a logical solution, involving your peers/parents/friends/loved ones before you make the deicion to "run away"...it isn't a rash decision. Also, idk why you're even referring to it as "running away" for an adult.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
In normal situations there is no need to run away. Moving away for work or school, or deciding that you just need to be on your own and in your own place. The last one is tougher based on location, age and on gender. A 27 year old guy telling his folks in Long Island that he needs to get his own place in the city is different than a 21 year old girl telling it to her parents in Multan.
Now for the secretive move outs...aka running away
There are situations where someone has to leave home in a fairly unplanned state or without telling anyone their intentions or destination, due to events/risks and while that may be considered running away, i see nothing wrong with it. The lofty ideas of having an adult to adult conversation about moving away and starting an independent life is just not in the realm of possibilities in some households.
especially as it relate to girls being forced to marry someone against their wishes, whether its local or they are being dragged to some other place. Or someone already married needing to get out for personal safety or that of children.
In situations like those, an unplanned, or sudden action may not just be warranted but be the smartest move. For someone to leave home, go to some place where no one knows of her whereabouts may be the safest thing to do.
Re: Running away is seen as such a bad thing in desi culture...
I guess just for the sake of what I am trying to find out...lets say its a typical desi girl and she has run away ( no mention to anyone) ...
I was also wondering...when a girl runs away in the above situation then the parents are shamed right? what do people think of the girl? do their views of her change?
For discussion's sake, let's say we're talking about a girl who has a family where she's being unfairly controlled by parents, being denied basic rights such as education, and is in a situation where she's being forced to marry a man against her will. Her mother/siblings can not protect her against a father who has no interest in his daughter's physical/emotional well being. In a situation like this, a sudden action by the daughter is the best move.
A woman should not worry about what the community thinks of her or her parents when she's in a situation that puts her physical/emotional well-being in danger. We all need to ensure that we're in a safe enviornment where we are not being forced to do things against our will (ie. forced marriage for example). There is no reward for sacrificing your life just so the desi community won't talk bad about you.
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