I wrote this poem last year. I am still retouching it as it appears to be having some lapses. All types of C&C is welcome to improve.
Here it goes.
Teri yaad di chhaan wich beh kay ro lena
Teri peyar di bakal mar kay so lena
Kadi hass lena tay kadi ro lena
Kadi ronday ronday ee so lena
Na mang na kajal na resham
Bas mukh hanjowan naal dho lena
Ki khawab ki taray ki chanan
Patt khuleyan akhiyan naal so lena
Har ik noon takna mounh chak chak
Fer kujh wi na puchh kay ro lena
Bas kam iko, hor kam ki aeh
Bas uthdat behnday ro lena.
Shan.
Amal
2
Re: Rona
That’s too heavy for general consumption Shahana. And as you said, it does need some retouching. Don’t forget to share with us the final version.
Ye “C&C” kya hota hey 
OMG
3
Re: Rona
Another good one.:k:
C&C means Comments and Critique.
Re: Rona
Shahana ji...... **
**Punjabi ke misre bare bhari hain, Kaash apki FARMAISH Urdu ke Liye Hoti,
Humbhi kuch seekhte/sikhate.... ! (just kidding)
Ghazal aapki (iss halat main bhi) achhi hai, retouching se kiya ghazab hogi,
keep it up...cheers.
Re: Rona
Thanks all. Main zeyada tar shairi Punjabi mein karti hoon. Hoti tou yeh mann ki mauj hai. Is kay liye kisi zaban ki bandish naheen hai.
